- Commissioner Gordon: Alfred, at the risk of sounding pompous: experience with women and experience with wives are two vastly different things.
- Chief O'Hara: Amen!
- Marsha: [after Batman has apprehended her at the end of the episode] Well, I suppose this is the end of my little romp, eh, darlings?
- Commissioner Gordon: A one- to ten-year end, at least.
- Batman: I just hope it's taught you that diamonds aren't necessarily a girl's best friend, Marsha.
- Marsha: Oh, Batman, darling, you are so divinely square!
- Batman: [Batman stands at the wedding altar with Marsha as the bridal March plays] I... I...
- Clergyman: Say "I do."
- Batman: I...
- Alfred: [Suddenly Alfred the butler walks into the chapel with Aunt Harriet dressed in black wearing a veil] Stop the wedding!
- Clergyman: [All the guests begin murmuring] This is no time for pranks, my good man. We are in the midst of a sacred ceremony.
- Alfred: I assure you, sir, this is no prank.
- Marsha: Who are you?
- Alfred: Ethelbert Soames, solicitor at law with the firm of Soames, Stillwell and Thistlewaite, Liverpool, England.
- [Alfred then hands out his "business cards" to first the clergyman, then to Marcia the bride, then to Batman]
- Alfred: My card. My Card. My Card.
- [Batman's card reads as written "THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY, SIR"]
- Clergyman: What has this to do with the wedding?
- Alfred: Allow me to present my client. Formerly Miss Henrietta Tillitson of Morton in the Marsh, Gloucestershire.
- Marsha: What do you mean "formerly"?
- Alfred: I mean that for the last seven years, she has been Mrs. Batman.
- Marsha: [the wedding guests gasps] Mrs Batman?
- Alfred: Yes. If you care to examine the wedding certificate...
- [Alfred hands over the wedding certificate to the clergyman]
- Alfred: Duly attested by the registrar at Morton in the Marsh and dated seven years ago.
- Clergyman: Why didn't you tell me about this, Batman?
- Batman: It, uh, uh, it slipped my mind.
- Clergyman: Slipped your mind, indeed. I am not in the practice of marrying bigamists.
- [the angry clergyman walks out]
- Marsha: Why, you two-timing Bat-Fink! How dare you leave a poor, defensless girl waiting at the altar.
- Alfred: Not poor, I hope, madam. We are instituting a lawsuit for $1,000,000 for the alienation of the husband's affections.
- Marsha: [Marcia gasps] Let's get out of here.
- Batman: [after Marcia and the grand mogul exit the chapel, Batman steps closer to his supposed "wife of 7 years" who is really Aunt Harriet as she unveils herself to Batman's surprise] Mrs. Cooper!
- Aunt Harriet Cooper: Why, I wasn't sure that you'd remember me, Batman.
- Batman: Of course I remember you. I've always treasured our brief meetings. And I certainly want to thank you for the help you gave me here today.
- Aunt Harriet Cooper: Oh, I'm glad. I was afraid you'd be angry with us for stretching the truth the way we did.
- Batman: Not under the circumstances, believe me.
- Alfred: If we can be of any further service, sir...
- Batman: As a matter of fact, Mr...
- Alfred: Alfred will do, sir.
- Batman: As a matter of fact, Alfred, yes. Since Robin is currently out of commission, I'd appreciate it if you would accompany me in the batmobile.
- Alfred: Certainly, sir. I've always wanted to ride in that ingenious vehicle.
- Batman: Good.
- [Batman turns back to Aunt Harriet]
- Batman: Again my thanks, Mrs. Cooper. You were truly... superb!
- Aunt Harriet Cooper: [And as Batman and Alfred leave the chapel, Aunt Harriet chuckles] Oh! Bruce will never believe it when I tell him.
- Robin: [ventriloquizes in Robin's voice who apparently has turned into a toad] Holy Hors d'oeuvre, Chief O'Hara! Keep that cat away from us.
- Marsha: I have to get inside that Batcave!
- Aunt Hilda: I've been in dozens of bat caves, deary. They're very dull.
- Marsha: This is a very special Batcave...
- Aunt Hilda: Take it from me: when you've seen one bat cave, you've seen them all.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: When last we saw the cape crusader, he was at the altar about to be married to the diabolical Marsha, Queen of Diamonds. Only the words "I do" stand between him and the bonds of wedlock.