Batman (TV Series)
Marsha's Scheme of Diamonds (1966)
Adam West: Batman, Bruce Wayne
Photos
Quotes
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Marsha : [after Batman has apprehended her at the end of the episode] Well, I suppose this is the end of my little romp, eh, darlings?
Commissioner Gordon : A one- to ten-year end, at least.
Batman : I just hope it's taught you that diamonds aren't necessarily a girl's best friend, Marsha.
Marsha : Oh, Batman, darling, you are so divinely square!
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Batman : [Batman stands at the wedding altar with Marsha as the bridal March plays] I... I...
Clergyman : Say "I do."
Batman : I...
Alfred : [Suddenly Alfred the butler walks into the chapel with Aunt Harriet dressed in black wearing a veil] Stop the wedding!
Clergyman : [All the guests begin murmuring] This is no time for pranks, my good man. We are in the midst of a sacred ceremony.
Alfred : I assure you, sir, this is no prank.
Marsha : Who are you?
Alfred : Ethelbert Soames, solicitor at law with the firm of Soames, Stillwell and Thistlewaite, Liverpool, England.
[Alfred then hands out his "business cards" to first the clergyman, then to Marcia the bride, then to Batman]
Alfred : My card. My Card. My Card.
[Batman's card reads as written "THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY, SIR"]
Clergyman : What has this to do with the wedding?
Alfred : Allow me to present my client. Formerly Miss Henrietta Tillitson of Morton in the Marsh, Gloucestershire.
Marsha : What do you mean "formerly"?
Alfred : I mean that for the last seven years, she has been Mrs. Batman.
Marsha : [the wedding guests gasps] Mrs Batman?
Alfred : Yes. If you care to examine the wedding certificate...
[Alfred hands over the wedding certificate to the clergyman]
Alfred : Duly attested by the registrar at Morton in the Marsh and dated seven years ago.
Clergyman : Why didn't you tell me about this, Batman?
Batman : It, uh, uh, it slipped my mind.
Clergyman : Slipped your mind, indeed. I am not in the practice of marrying bigamists.
[the angry clergyman walks out]
Marsha : Why, you two-timing Bat-Fink! How dare you leave a poor, defensless girl waiting at the altar.
Alfred : Not poor, I hope, madam. We are instituting a lawsuit for $1,000,000 for the alienation of the husband's affections.
Marsha : [Marcia gasps] Let's get out of here.
Batman : [after Marcia and the grand mogul exit the chapel, Batman steps closer to his supposed "wife of 7 years" who is really Aunt Harriet as she unveils herself to Batman's surprise] Mrs. Cooper!
Aunt Harriet Cooper : Why, I wasn't sure that you'd remember me, Batman.
Batman : Of course I remember you. I've always treasured our brief meetings. And I certainly want to thank you for the help you gave me here today.
Aunt Harriet Cooper : Oh, I'm glad. I was afraid you'd be angry with us for stretching the truth the way we did.
Batman : Not under the circumstances, believe me.
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Alfred : If we can be of any further service, sir...
Batman : As a matter of fact, Mr...
Alfred : Alfred will do, sir.
Batman : As a matter of fact, Alfred, yes. Since Robin is currently out of commission, I'd appreciate it if you would accompany me in the batmobile.
Alfred : Certainly, sir. I've always wanted to ride in that ingenious vehicle.
Batman : Good.
[Batman turns back to Aunt Harriet]
Batman : Again my thanks, Mrs. Cooper. You were truly... superb!
Aunt Harriet Cooper : [And as Batman and Alfred leave the chapel, Aunt Harriet chuckles] Oh! Bruce will never believe it when I tell him.
