- [Alfred and the Joker are engaged in a swordfight]
- Aunt Harriet Cooper: Alfred, be careful! The Joker's an arch-criminal!
- Alfred Pennyworth: I know, madam, but a very poor fencer.
- The Joker: You anglo-fink! I'll smash you to smidgens!
- Alfred Pennyworth: May I point out that smidgens is a childish effusion which should have no place even in so poor a vocabulary as yours, sir.
- [over the telephone]
- Batman: This caper was even more obvious than most.
- The Joker: Ohhh! You can say that over the phone, Batman. But if I had you here, I'd pound you to a pulp!
- [Joker does not realize Batman is there in the room and hangs up. So does Batman]
- Batman: Start pounding, Joker!
- [Joker turns and throws up his arms in fright]
- The Joker: Aaaah!
- The Joker: [entering Wayne Manor with Baby Jane tied up] Where's Bruce Wayne?
- Alfred Pennyworth: Mr. Wayne is not at home, sir.
- The Joker: Too bad! I'll get my revenge later. Right now I'll settle for cash. Where's the safe?
- Alfred Pennyworth: My duties do not include aiding and abetting thievery.
- The Joker: [holds up a gun to Baby Jane's head] Oh, no?
- Alfred Pennyworth: I see.
- [closes the door]
- Alfred Pennyworth: This way, sir.
- The Joker: [Terrified from the up-and-down ride the Joker is getting on the batpole] Help! Alfred, old pal! Have pity!
- Alfred Pennyworth: We Anglo-finks have a long memory.
- [Alfred then sends the terrified Joker down the pole again]
- Alfred Pennyworth: One really shouldn't take pleasure in another creatures misfortunes, but, uh, occasionally, one may be forgiven for a slight twinge of satisfaction.
- Baby Jane Towser: Joker, you could at least untie us. My hands are getting stiff.
- The Joker: Oh, but of course, my dear. The Joker is nothing if not magnanimous.
- [laughs]
- Mrs. Putney: How about me?
- The Joker: Well, my generosity does not extend to overweight matrons, madam.
- Commissioner Gordon: [on Batphone] The Joker's been too quiet, Batman, I'm worried. A whole day and nothing's happened.
- Chief O'Hara: That larcenous phony has somethin' under his hat besides his head, Batman!
- The Joker: [after being shot back up the Bat Pole] Someone get me off this crazy dumbwaiter! I can't breathe!
- Batman: Joker says he can't breathe, Alfred, why don't you give him some breathing space?
- Alfred Pennyworth: My pleasure, sir.
- [hits the down button on the Bat Pole elevator]
- The Joker: Oh no! AHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEELLLLLLP!
- Robin: [after the Joker goes down the Bat pole against his will] It's a good thing you forgot to wash our other costumes, Alfred, or the Joker may have found himself wearing a Batsuit.
- Aunt Harriet Cooper: Oh, Batman and Robin, thank heaven you're here. Is Alfred all right?
- Batman: Yes, he's just fine, Mrs. Cooper.
- Baby Jane Towser: Batman, I'm so sorry for all the the trouble I've caused you.
- Batman: It was an honest mistake, Baby Jane. No one blames you for it.
- Baby Jane Towser: *I* blame myself. It'll be a long time before anyone catches me in another art gallery.
- Robin: It'll be an even longer time for Joker.
- Aunt Harriet Cooper: By the way, where is Joker?
- Robin: Right now, Joker's having his ups and downs.
- Batman: You might say that.
- [last lines]
- Commissioner Gordon: Well, Alfred, it's not everyone who can have his very first efforts displayed at Park's.
- Alfred: Thank you, sir. The Joker and his paintings are in prison, and Alfred and his paintings are at Park's. A rather nice turn of events.
- Chief O'Hara: And very fine paintin's they are, too, Alfred.
- Alfred: You really think so, sir?
- Chief O'Hara: Oh, indeed, I do. Why, uh, they're masterpieces.
- Alfred: Then, perhaps you'd like to own one.
- Chief O'Hara: Yes, yes, I would, but, uh, I can't afford the price.
- Alfred: Oh, that's no obstacle, sir.
- [takes painting of mother and baby elephant off the wall and presents it to Chief O'Hara]
- Alfred: Here, allow me to present you with this one as, er, as a token of my esteem.
- Chief O'Hara: Mother McCree.
- The Joker: Stand back! Stand back I say, or I'll --
- [finds the batpole switch]
- The Joker: ahh! What's this?
- Alfred Pennyworth: Don't touch that!
- The Joker: [turns the switch] Aha! A secret passage!
- [slides down the bat pole]
- Batman: Alfred, what's happened?
- Alfred Pennyworth: I'm afraid the Joker accidentally tripped the batpole switch and mistook this for a secret passage, sir.
- Robin: Then he's down in the batcave.
- Alfred Pennyworth: Ah, he didn't quite make the batcave, Master Robin.
- Robin: Then where is he?
- Alfred Pennyworth: I believe he should be arriving presently.
- Batman: The emergency Bat Pole elevator. Fast thinking, Alfred.
- Alfred Pennyworth: Thank you, sir.
- [Joker is shot back up the Bat Pole]