- Dick Grayson: Oh, heck! What's the use of learning French anyway?
- Bruce Wayne: Dick, I am surprised at you. Language is the key to world peace. If we all spoke each other's tongues, perhaps the scourge of war would be ended forever.
- Dick Grayson: Gosh, Bruce, yes. I'll get these darn verbs if they kill me.
- Narrator: Meanwhile, atop the umbrella factory, we find the sinister secret headquarters of the rascally Penguin and his fine feathered finks.
- Chief O'Hara: A trick umbrella. As sure as a fingerprint, the mark of the Penguin.
- Commissioner Gordon: Correct, Chief O'Hara, the Penguin. That pompous, waddling master of foul play. That criminal maestro of a thousand ubiquitous umbrellas.
- Chief O'Hara: But I thought he was still up the river, Commissioner.
- Commissioner Gordon: So did I, 'til I checked with the penitentiary. The Penguin was released three days ago. Any volunteers, men? Any of you think you're smart enough to net the Penguin?
- Chief O'Hara: Aw, the devil with pride, Commissioner. I speak for us all. There's but one man livin' who can throw the net over that cagey bird.
- Commissioner Gordon: [glancing at the hotline phone] Thank you, Chief O'Hara. I admire your honesty. And I make it unanimous. Whoever he may be behind that mask of his, our only hope is the Caped Crusader.
- The Penguin: Oh, great heavenly sunshades. I have it! It's a fantastical scheme. It's hatched, full blown. U-Day. U for Umbrella day. What a dazzling plot!
- Commissioner Gordon: [watching a surveillance tape of the Penguin on the eve of his release from prison] Any thoughts, Batman?
- Batman: On the whole, I think we'd better discard my theory about the Penguin's going straight.
- Sparrow: Maybe I'm dumb, Penguin, but I don't dig this caper.
- The Penguin: Oh, it's very simple, my little gosling. I'm going to unleash the most bizarre, senseless barrage of umbrellas onto Gotham City. It'll be senseless to everybody but the Batman, whose keen mind will unquestionably piece together the clues to my crime.
- Sparrow: But what crime? What the heck are you plannin'?
- The Penguin: Nothing.
- Sparrow: Nothing?
- Hawkeye: Nothing? What do you mean "nothing"?
- The Penguin: I am planning nothing. The Batman's going to do that for me. The Batman's not only going to pick my crime, he is going to provide me with a blueprint as to how I should pull it off.
- Hawkeye: Penguin, are you sure you haven't gone stir-crazy?
- The Penguin: Why, you birdbrain.
- [conking him on the head with an umbrella rod]
- The Penguin: How dare you mock me on the eve of my greatest triumph?
- Sparrow: Do you really mean that Batman is gonna plan our caper?
- The Penguin: Yes, my fine feathered finks. Mm, it's just a little plot that I hatched in prison. You wait and see. The Batman and the Penguin are going to be partners in plunder.
- Batman: I've long been a deep admirer of your fine work in reforming criminals.
- Warden Crichton: Well, we've had our little victories... our little failures, too, alas.
- Batman: How would you rate the Penguin?
- Warden Crichton: I'll let you judge that for yourself, Batman, indeed.
- Batman: Judge for myself?
- Warden Crichton: By means of videotape. It's one of my new progressive policies, you see. Before, uh, releasing a felon, I assign them to a special cell into which is built a secret television camera. It enables us to study the extent to which he's reformed, if any.
- Commissioner Gordon: Warden, you didn't forget the tape?
- Warden Crichton: I took the liberty of leaving it at your communications center when I arrived. They're waiting for your signal, Commissioner Gordon.
- Asst. Shop Owner: [a large number of customers enter the store] They say there are prizes for lucky umbrellas.
- Shop Owner: I smell a hoax, Jenkins; devilish, sinister.
- The Penguin: How irritating! Here I am, due to be released tomorrow, and I still haven't worked out one single crime worthy of my talents! My whole stay in this disgusting prison is wasted.
- Cellmate: Yeah, well, that's the way it bounces, Penguin. Some years are just a blank spot out of a guy's life. Hey, wait a minute. My mother-in-law, she owns a candy store. You could always knock that over if you wanna.
- The Penguin: [incredulous] What? A candy store? I am an aristocrat of crookery, my dear man! No, I must devise something royal, unsuspected, sensational! A caper that will make that Batman blow his brains out!
- Cellmate: Yeah, that Batman. He sure is some kind of pest, ain't he? Say, do you ever stop to think, Penguin, if only the Batman was a crook instead of a law guy. Boy, oh, boy, we'd turn this world inside out!
- The Penguin: What did you say?
- Cellmate: Oh, I was just thinkin' out loud, Penguin. I said, "If only the Batman was like us, a crook."
- Commissioner Gordon: There are three new umbrella factories. None of them, unfortunately, in the name of Penguin. It's a dead end.
- Robin: Could he be using an alias?
- Batman: Good thinking, Robin. Chief, read me the names on those umbrella-factory licenses.
- Chief O'Hara: Here's R.L. Howard. K.G. Bird. Sherlock...
- Batman: Bird?
- Robin: K.G. Bird... cagey bird! The Penguin, get it?
- Commissioner Gordon: Get it? Why, it's practically transparent.
- Narrator: Just before 9:00 on a bright, sunny morning in Gotham City. The city seems to be carefree and serene, doesn't it? But let's keep our eyes on these little rascals.
- Hawkeye: All right, folks! Listen and hurry, hurry! Here are you, free umbrellas! Win yourself a prize! Win yourself a prize on the inside! These umbrellas are free! You can't win a prize without an umbrella!
- Asst. Shop Owner: Strange, everyone carrying umbrellas. The weather report didn't mention rain.
- Shop Owner: Who cares, Jenkins? It looks like a smash. Open the doors.
- Batman: Strange. The umbrellas all went mad, creating the perfect cover for a holdup, and yet there was no holdup, right?
- Commissioner Gordon: Right as rain, Batman. The Penguin had everything set up and then didn't strike.
- Robin: The old one-two.
- Commissioner Gordon: Beg pardon, Boy Wonder?
- Robin: [pantomiming throwing punches] Bam! A feint at the jewelry store to set us up for the real knockout later on... Zowie!
- Batman: Robin could be right... then again, I wonder if this whole affair might just have been a harmless practical joke.
- Commissioner Gordon: A joke, Batman?
- Batman: I have great faith in our prison system, Commissioner. Perhaps the Penguin's spell up the river has made him reform.
- Chief O'Hara: [scoffing snicker] You're dreamin', Batman. It'll be a sad day for corkscrews when that crooked bird goes straight.
- Batman: Still, I'd like to know what his state of mind was when he left prison.
- Commissioner Gordon: [picking up a phone receiver] Bonnie, send in Warden Crichton, will you?
- Batman: Warden Crichton? Of the state prison? Here?
- Commissioner Gordon: I anticipated your question, Batman. I had had rushed down here by helicopter.
- Batman: The important thing is to get on the Penguin's trail fast.
- Chief O'Hara: I'll put out a 4-points bulletin.
- Batman: Wait, I've got a better idea.
- Commissioner Gordon: Yes?
- Batman: The Penguin told us on that secret tape whatever his dazzling plot is, it involves umbrellas.
- Robin: So he'll need a front.
- Batman: Right. Quickly, Commissioner. Send for the city records. Let's find out if anyone's opened an umbrella factory in the last three days.
- Bruce Wayne: Yes, Commissioner?
- Commissioner Gordon: Brace yourself for a shock. It's the Penguin.
- Bruce Wayne: We'll be right there.
- The Penguin: Good day, sir. Can I help you, sir?
- Bruce Wayne: I hope so, Mr. Bird.
- The Penguin: Mm-hmm.
- Bruce Wayne: I'm looking for an artisan to repair this fine old umbrella. It belonged to my late father.
- The Penguin: [inspecting it] Ah, it's quality goods. I can tell at a glance. Just let me study it for a moment, please.
- Bruce Wayne: Oh, please, by all means.
- The Penguin: Yes.
- [as Bruce tries to plant an electronic bug, an alarm goes off]
- The Penguin: [trapping him in a net] Well, it's fortunate that I equipped my shop with an automatic anti-bugging machine!
- [he sprays knockout gas in Bruce's face]
- Sparrow: Who is he, boss?
- The Penguin: I have no idea. Some rival umbrella king, perhaps, trying to steal my precious secrets. It's a clear case of industrial espionage. Why, the wretched, blundering fool! This. Enh!
- [smashing the bug]
- The Penguin: But whoever he is, one thing is certain: I can't afford to have him snooping around here today, today of all days, when I'm about to deal Batman his greatest blow.
- Hawkeye: The river, boss?
- The Penguin: No, no. The furnace. The tempering furnace, where we forge the umbrella ribs. Take him away, my fine feathered finks, and arrange a fatal accident... without witnesses.
- Batman: What's the plot, Penguin?
- The Penguin: Ah! The Dynamic Duo! Such distinguished customers! May I show you my humble wares?
- Batman: We're not here to buy umbrellas and you know it.
- Robin: Spread your wings, Mr. K.G. Bird. We're flying you down to headquarters.
- The Penguin: On what charge, Boy Wonder?
- Robin: Illegal umbrellas!
- Batman: Assault and battery, disturbing the peace. We've got enough to put you back on ice, Penguin.
- The Penguin: Oh, tut, tut, Batman. I only *make* the umbrellas. What they do after they leave here is hardly my affair, now, is it?
- Batman: [turning to speak with Robin privately] A tricky little creature. He's right.
- Robin: Darn it, not a thing to hold him on.
- Batman: Yet.
- The Penguin: Beg your pardon? Were you saying something?
- Batman: You've outsmarted us this time, Penguin, but don't get too confident. We know you're up to some super crime and we're going to watch you.