- Commissioner Gordon: [attempting to locate the three heirs of Gotham's founding fathers] That leaves only Bruce Wayne.
- Robin: I, eh, wonder where he is?
- Batman: Unquestionably out doing something inconsequential with his youthful ward Dick Grayson. You know how those millionaire playboys are.
- Narrator: [narrating] A sunny Wednesday morning in Gotham City. The sort of Wednesday that makes you wish it were Sunday.
- Egghead: [chuckles wickedly] Eggscelent. I might even go as far as to say: eggsquisite.
- [more chuckles]
- Egghead: I for one am eggshausted. It's been a trying day and I must rest my fantastic brain for tonight.
- Batman: [as he lays down, Batman & Robin enter] There'll be no rest for the wicked today, Egghead.
- Robin: Boy, do you guys have egg on your faces!
- Batman: All the king's horses and all the king's men won't be able to put you together again.
- Miss Bacon: Oh, Batman, you're so lyrical.
- Egghead: Long ago my superior intellect deduced that Batman must be a person who was a millionaire and didn't have to work, because crimefighting is such an eggspensive hobby.
- Miss Bacon: Which one is it, Eggy-baby?
- Egghead: Please, please, Miss Bacon. All of you are approximately the right age, in your early thirties, but I have eliminated you, Mr. Tyler, because you are lefthanded. No, the Caped Crusader is not portsider, and you, Mr. Savage, are out because of your accent. So aside from a couple of aging rock-and-roll singers, you, Mr. Wayne, are the only Gotham city millionaire who is athletically inclined with eggsessive agility. Therefore, you must be Batman!
- Mrs. Cooper: Those two are so busy, I'll wager Batman and Robin don't get around as much as Bruce and Dick!
- Alfred: I, eh, I rather doubt that, madam.
- Chief O'Hara: [about Egghead] He's a tough egg, Batman, the smartest man in the world.
- Robin: The second smartest man in the world.
- Chief O'Hara: Present company excepted, of course.
- Batman: [Answers batphone] Yes, Commissioner.
- Commissioner Gordon: Bad news. Batman Egghead is back with a carton full of crime.
- Egghead: Well, I have great eggspectations for our relationship, Chief. I'll tell you what I'll give you as an added bonus: you may have the import eggsport concession for all genuine American Indian blankets made in Japan.
- Chief Screaming Chicken: Oh, you are one heck of fine pale face.
- Tim Tyler: What do you want from me, Egghead? I am just a poor major league baseball-team-owner.
- Miss Bacon: How 'bout season tickets? I love halfbacks.
- Egghead: How eggsasperating.
- Chief Screaming Chicken: Me think price too low for Gotham City - 9 raccoon pelts. Cost of living go up and up. Me want 12 raccoon pelts.