- Capt. Barney Miller: What's the matter ?
- Det. Phil Fish: They're crazy !
- Capt. Barney Miller: Police Pension Fund Financial Report, not good ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Barney, look at the junk they're investing in: 1,232 shares of The First Woman's Bank and Trust Company .
- Capt. Barney Miller: I've heard of it.
- Det. Phil Fish: Well, what kind of ridiculous institution is that ?
- Det. Ron Harris: They cater to single woman who are financially independent. Come to think of it, so do I?
- Det. Phil Fish: I'm gonna call the administrator of the pension fund ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: What for ?
- Det. Phil Fish: He's using my money, he can use my advice too.
- Al Mitchell: I don't understand. I didn't do anything . Nothing. I am absolutely innocent.
- Det. Ron Harris: Who among us, can say that ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Hello, is this the Police Pension Fund, I would like to speak to the Director please. It's about my future
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Tell him it's urgent
- Mrs. Hanson: What do we got here ?
- Mrs. Hanson: This is Mrs. Hanson, Barn. I stepped off the subway, onto the platform, and I see this guy rip off her purse and take off
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah, it was leather and it had a hand tool shoulder strap and little bronze buckles
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very tastetful
- Det. Maria Battista: Andale, sinvergüenza
- [Spanish : Come along scoundrel]
- Det. Maria Battista: . Okay lunático
- [Spanish: Lunatic]
- Det. Maria Battista: . I'm taking off the cuffs now so just be careful of those hand honey. We have a real sickie here Captain, indecent exposure
- Capt. Barney Miller: No.Haven't you been read your rights ?
- Det. Maria Battista: Yes sir
- Charles Yusick: Oh, yeah
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, book him, make arrangements with and Bellevue, give him his one phone call
- Det. Maria Battista: Come on.
- Lyle W. Farber: What about me ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You keep your pants on
- Lyle W. Farber: He didn't and he gets a call
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We'll get to you when we're ready to get you
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Barney, want to see you in his office
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I wasn't late
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, we'll find something else to talk about.
- Charles Yusick: You know, we talk a lot about out childhood in therapy. Behavior of this sort, is rooted in our early years
- Det. Maria Battista: What's the matter, you never heard of baseball
- Charles Yusick: I was never good at sports.
- Det. Maria Battista: It's okay honey , your getting better
- Det. Maria Battista: Sir, I was on my way to the bakery when Mr. Yusick over here comes over to me and asks me if I got change for a quarter. So, I whip open my purse and eso tipo se abrió el abrigo y ,ay, dios mio , alli esta. Hombre y chico
- [Spanish: this guy opened his coat. and, oh my god, there it is. Man and boy]
- Det. Maria Battista: .
- Det. Maria Battista: So , I slammed the cuffs on him.
- Charles Yusick: If I known if she were a cop, I never would have done it.
- Det. Maria Battista: Ignorance of the law is not excuse, Mister.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, It was a good bust. Ah... The guy just stood there. He refused to help.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sure, despicable, I agree. But illegal ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's in the penal code, I read it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, the Assistance law Section 195 point something, states " a person must help a police officer if a police officer identifies himself as such and requests assistance". Did you identify yourself and request assistance ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, not in so many words ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: How many words ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Two
- Capt. Barney Miller: What did you say ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Grab him ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: "Grab him". How is the man suppose to know your a cop ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, I said it with authority !
- Arnold Ripner: Yusick ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yusick ?
- Arnold Ripner: Mr Yusick... here.
- Charles Yusick: Oh... no, no, no. My lawyer is already on his way down.
- Arnold Ripner: Don't be cocky, I had an uncle who went like that .
- Arnold Ripner: Hello Harris, I got here as fast as I could
- Det. Ron Harris: Anybody call Arnold Ripner Counselor-at-Law. Nice try, Arnold, sorry.
- Arnold Ripner: Don't give me that. We can't all be in Rockefeller Center. Some of us prefer to practice our profession at the grass-roots level, within reach of the little man
- Det. Ron Harris: Your a regular Williams Jennings Bryant, aren't you !
- Arnold Ripner: Your damn right. Arnold Ripner, Ripner and Associates. And you ?
- Lyle W. Farber: I don't need a lawyer .
- Arnold Ripner: What do you know ?
- Lyle W. Farber: I didn't do nothing.
- Arnold Ripner: Don't give me principles. You want to get off.
- Det. Ron Harris: Come on Arnold, stop soliciting, huh ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Live and let live, will you Harris?
- Arnold Ripner: Nick ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah ?
- Arnold Ripner: What did he do ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Don't ask me, he's Wojo collar
- Arnold Ripner: How do you do, Ripner and Associates ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ah... .Ah... Ah... Ah... Victim
- Arnold Ripner: Take a card, in case your thinking of revenge
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: How is it Mrs. Hanson ?
- Mrs. Hanson: It tastes like pencils
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's not the coffee, it's the cup
- Det. Phil Fish: You know Harris, I just figured out that if the stock market keeps going down and the cost of living keeps going up the pension fund can keep me going for life if I cut my style of living 40 % and if I don't live too long
- Det. Ron Harris: By the time I retire, there may not be a world left to retire in
- Det. Phil Fish: Well, don't count on it
- Det. Maria Battista: Okay, Mr Yusick, the procedure now is downstairs for fingerprints and photographs. Is that the procedure ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Fingerprints and photographs
- Det. Maria Battista: What did I tell you, downstairs for fingerprints and photographs
- Det. Maria Battista: What's your profession, Mr. Yusick ?
- Charles Yusick: I'm a stock market analyst .Hello, Lyle, this is Charlie Yusick. Yeah... I'm afraid I've had a slight regression model. Yeah, would you come down to the 12th precinct, right away ? Thanks. bye-bye, Lyle