Barney Miller (TV Series)

Horse Thief (1975)

Liam Dunn: Fuzzo

Photos 

Quotes 

• Det. Phil Fish : Mr Fuzzo, how much can a man make driving people around the park?

  Fuzzo : You mean reported income?

  Det. Phil Fish : That much, huh?

  Fuzzo : Oh you'd like it. I know a lot of guys drive cabs when they get old enough to retire.

  Det. Phil Fish : How do you know how old I am?

  Fuzzo : Well, you take a guy's height and then you multiply it by the number of times he goes to the bathroom every day.

  [Fish thinks about this, and then walks to the men's room] 

• Fuzzo : I've driven a hansom cab for 35 years, never had anything like this happen.

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : [types up report]  Mr. Fuzzo, when did you first realize somebody had stolen your horse?

  Fuzzo : This morning when I checked his stall, his hay hadn't been slept in.

• Officer Shriker : It ain't my horse.

  Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Are you sure?

  Officer Shriker : Hey, I know my horse.I mean, don't you think a fella knows his own horse?

  Capt. Barney Miller : W-wait a minute. Wait a minute. Mr. Fuzzo, did you or did you not take that horse from the police barn?

  Fuzzo : I did. I swear it. Would I lie about something I stole?

  Officer Shriker : Well, he took it. It's Cooley's gelding. I don't ride geldings.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Look, you wanna take the horse or don't you?

  Officer Shriker : Uh, yeah, I guess maybe I better. Hey, I got to admit something. He really knows his horses. I mean, that horse looks happier with you than he ever did with Cooley.

  Fuzzo : Thanks.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Look, uh, Shriker, think anybody would mind if it took a couple of extra days before the horse got back?

  Officer Shriker : O-oh. I don't know. I... I could ask Cooley. He's down in Washington Square riding crowd control.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Good, you do that. Mr. Fuzzo, why don't you go with Officer Shriker?No, that's... That's okay.That's okay. That's okay.

  Officer Shriker : Hey, wait a minute.If you got Cooley's horse, Cooley's got mine. Cooley uses spurs.

  Fuzzo : O-oh. Oh, I hate that.Any guy that uses spurs should be horsewhipped.

• Fuzzo : Oh, captain, my wife called, said you gentlemen wanted to see me. Did you find my horse?

  Capt. Barney Miller : Uh, not yet, Mr. Fuzzo, uh, but I understand that you're back in business.

  Fuzzo : Oh, well, I got another horse. Oh? Yeah, just temporarily.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Where'd you get it?

  Fuzzo : I borrowed it.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Ah. From whom?

  Fuzzo : I... Y-you wouldn't know them.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Try me. We know a lot of people.

  Fuzzo : Oh, well... Well, uh, th-they're on the other side of town. And... Oh, and they got a lot of horses. I mean, one horse, more or less. Heh-heh. They can get along without it.

  Capt. Barney Miller : So they gave you one.

  Fuzzo : Well, like I said, I borrowed it.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Do they know it yet?

  Fuzzo : I think they do now.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Fuzzo, borrowing without permission is called stealing. And we... We of the police department frown on activities like that, particularly when the borrowing is being done from the police department.

  Fuzzo : I wasn't gonna keep it. I was going to sneak it back in a couple of days, in better shape than I got it. Go downstairs and take a look at him. I shampooed him. I curried his coat. I-I waxed his hooves. Oh, he was a mess when I picked him up.

  Capt. Barney Miller : From the police barn? Yeah.

  Fuzzo : When you're gonna borrow, borrow the best.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Fuzzo... Mr. Fuzzo, I'm afraid we're gonna have to hold you.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Nick.

  Fuzzo : You're gonna...? You're gonna turn me in?

  Capt. Barney Miller : I'm a cop. Times like this, we gotta look out for each other. You can understand that.

  Fuzzo : Nick, do me a favor. Call the police barn. Tell 'em we got the horse. And ask 'em to send somebody over to pick it up, and, uh, we have to hold Mr. Fuzzo.

• Mr. Franklin : Hey. Hey, I never saw this woman before in my whole life.

  Tracy Gifford : Fuzzo, how's the horsy trade?

  Fuzzo : Oh, listen, not bad. How's tricks?

  Tracy Gifford : Pretty good.Till lately.

  Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Barney, this is Miss Tracy Gifford, who made a call to room service last night about 12:30 from Mr. Franklin's room.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Is that true, Miss Gifford?

  Tracy Gifford : Yeah, and so far a root beer, and a grilled cheese sandwich is all I got outta this.

  Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : The waiter recognized the woman as Miss Gifford, as she is a frequent overnight guest at the hotel. I, uh, apprehended Miss Gifford in the hotel bar.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Franklin, is this the woman who assaulted you?

  Tracy Gifford : You bet I am.

  Capt. Barney Miller : You admit it?

  Tracy Gifford : You wanna know what happened?

  Capt. Barney Miller : Please.

  Tracy Gifford : Okay. Last night, I'm down walking in the park, like I'm apt to do. I sell these buttons. For the bicentennial, for charity. See: "1776 to 1976. We've only just begun." Cute, huh? Anyway, the creep comes up to me and asks me how much for one of my buttons. I tell him the usual price: $60. He asks me if I will deliver it up to his room. So I go up there with the button. Jumping ahead a little, I'm getting ready to leave and I ask him for my money.For the button, for charity.He says, "Try and get it." So I took appropriate measures, which he had it coming.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Franklin, is this substantially what happened?

  Mr. Franklin : I was alone.

  Tracy Gifford : You deserve to be.

  Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Mr. Franklin, if you file a complaint, we can charge Miss Gifford with aggravated assault.

  Tracy Gifford : Listen, I could file a few charges of my own, like restraint of trade.

  Capt. Barney Miller : I'm afraid that's a little out of our area.

  Tracy Gifford : I don't need you. We got a union now.