- Stanley Smith: [to Steve] So, what do you need to know?
- Steve Smith: Um, everything, I guess. I talk a big game, but I actually know very little about sex.
- Stanley Smith: Well, you don't have to worry about it, because you're not having it.
- Steve Smith: Oh. But I guess I just thought I should know...
- Stanley Smith: You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
- Steve Smith: Well, I guess not, but...
- Stanley Smith: See, if l tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact: an ugly, moist fact squatting on your brain like an octopus, and you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son?
- Steve Smith: No.
- Stanley Smith: And that's where babies come from.
- Steve Smith: Anyway, I was talking to the Amish kid and I still have some questions about sex.
- Stanley Smith: Absolutely, son. Let's talk in private.
- Francine Smith: Stan, do you want me to come with you?
- Stanley Smith: No. This is a father's job. Besides, sons have complex relationships with their mothers, especially if they're as beautiful and sexy as my mother.
- Steve Smith: Dad! There you are.
- Stanley Smith: [nervously] Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
- Steve Smith: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
- Stanley Smith: [laughs] Well said, soldier.
- Steve Smith: I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
- Francine Smith: Oh, now, why would you say that?
- Steve Smith: Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
- Francine Smith: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work or mow the lawn or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
- Steve Smith: Hey, maybe until Dad gets better, I can clean the gutters.
- Francine Smith: That's creepy, honey.
- Newspaper Headline: Israel pulls out of Gaza; Gaza not pregnant.
- Steve Smith: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
- Stanley Smith: That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.
- Roger the Alien: As a shut-in, I only have two pleasures: trash TV and booze. Oh, and Shrinky Dinks. You put 'em in the oven, it's like baking art.
- Stanley Smith: [about Steve] He's only 14. I don't want some unionized pervert teaching my son about nature's filthy secret.
- Francine Smith: Thank you for seeing us, Principal Lewis. My husband is just a teeny bit concerned that Steve may not be ready for sex education.
- Stanley Smith: That's right. My wife didn't spend 36 hours squeezing Steve from her birth canal so you could shove his face right back in there!
- Roger the Alien, Klaus: Francine!
- Roger the Alien: Good to see you, Mrs. S. You just missed happy hour, but we may still have some crab cakes. Miguel, tenemos crab cakes?
- [snaps his fingers]
- Francine Smith: I don't want any crab cakes.
- Roger the Alien: Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes.
- Francine Smith: [to Stan] Look, I'm sorry that 30 years ago, you got some lousy advice about sex that screwed you up, but I cannot let you do the same thing to our son.
- Stanley Smith: I'm not screwing him up.
- Steve Smith: Yeah, Mom. I know my body is filthy.
- Francine Smith: No, it's not. Steve, urges are natural and it's healthy to explore them.
- Stanley Smith: Francine, no!
- Francine Smith: Because if you don't explore them, you'll repress them. Then one day, when you do discover them, you'll reject your wife, hurt your son and try to take down TV!