- Archie: [Fearing death prior to surgery] Now about the funeral...
- Edith Bunker: There ain't gonna be a funeral!
- Archie: Of course there's gonna be a funeral. What are gonna do? Put me out with the garbage?
- Archie: You're a- a regular doctor?
- Dr. Wynell Thatcher: Only at night. By day I strangle chickens for the Colonel.
- Archie: What do you want to use the razor for?
- Dr. Wynell Thatcher: For shaving.
- Archie: I shaved this morning.
- Dr. Wynell Thatcher: I'll bet you didn't shave where I'm going to shave you.
- Archie: This is going to make me so ashamed.
- Dr. Wynell Thatcher: My dear, I will do it in a manner that will cause you no shame.
- Archie: How you gonna do that?
- Dr. Wynell Thatcher: When I shave you, I'm gonna close me eyes.
- Dr. Wynell Thatcher: Now you listen, boy- if you behave yourself I'll be good to you, but if you don't behave yourself I'm gonna take a bedpan and beat you with it.
- Archie: [muttered] The nurses in this joint are killers...
- Dr. Wynell Thatcher: What was that?
- Archie: I said I'm trying to fix my pillows here...
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Hey Arch, don't worry about money. Whatever Gloria and I have is yours.
- Archie: Well sure it is. That's where it come from in the first place.
- Teresa Betancourt: Did you have an account in a bonk?
- Archie: Yeah, First National Bonk.
- Teresa Betancourt: References?
- Archie: It's a pretty good bonk.
- Archie: You mix my white, what-do-you-call hemoglobins with her colored shemoglobins, anything could happen.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Yeah, there might be a race riot.
- Archie: [to Dr. Thatcher, who speaks with a West Indies accent] You talk kinda funny, there. What part o' Harlem are you from?
- Teresa Betancourt: Did you want a ward, a semi-private r-r-room, or a private r-r-room?
- Archie: Any room at all as long as there ain't a guy in it with hoses up his nose.