- Morticia Addams: Permit me to introduce the bar's brightest light - Gomez "Loophole" Addams!
- [the Addams family applauds as Gomez takes a bow]
- Judge Harvey Saunders: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What goes on here?
- Uncle Fester: Just sit tight, Judge, and we'll show you how to run a trial.
- Judge Harvey Saunders: I warn you I'll stand for no nonsense.
- Gomez Addams: I object.
- Judge Harvey Saunders: You object?
- Gomez Addams: Just testing.
- Grandmama: Where's Gomez?
- Morticia Addams: He's working on your release. Never lost a case, you know.
- Grandmama: And never won one either. Perfect record!
- Gomez Addams: Aha! Peerless Lead just went up to two hundred and nine!
- Morticia Addams: And you sold it at four?
- Gomez Addams: Three!
- Morticia Addams: Ah, how thoughtful. Whatever whould we have done with a house full of lead?
- Judge Harvey Saunders: [shouting] This is insanity!
- Gomez Addams: [stands up in triumph] Exactly what we claim!
- Morticia Addams: Just bare with it. My husband will take your case as soon as he frees Mama.
- Mrs. Harvey Saunders: Oh, is your husband a lawyer?
- Morticia Addams: He's 'The Great Loophole!'
- Morticia Addams: Dear Mama. I'm so glad we're home, really. If we leave her alone too long, she tends to brood.
- Gomez Addams: I don't know why. She has her lizards and her comfy nail-bed, and if things get dull she can always throw darts at Uncle Fester.
- Bailiff: Look, mister, I don't make the laws. Just pay the ten dollar fine and you can have her out in five minutes.
- Gomez Addams: Oh, I'm afraid I couldn't do that. It wouldn't give Mama time enough to do her famous mess hall scene. She just loves prison pictures.
- Judge Harvey Saunders: [looking at the Addamses seated in court] Baliff, which one is the defendant?
- Bailiff: The odd-looking one.
- Judge Harvey Saunders: I repeat, which one is the defendant?
- Morticia Addams: Darling, I don't think he likes us. Maybe you'd better pay him the ten dollars.
- Gomez Addams: For a trumped up charge?
- Morticia Addams: Offer him five.
- Gomez Addams: Nonsense. We've got him on the run.
- [Gomez has Mama called to the stand]
- Judge Harvey Saunders: Swear her in.
- Gomez Addams: I object.
- Judge Harvey Saunders: You object to your own witness taking the oath?
- Gomez Addams: I certainly do. Cramps her style.
- Morticia Addams: You avoided that trap very neatly, darling.
- Gomez Addams: [to the judge] I shall ignore the prejudice, intimidation and irregularities of this entire farce and caution you that, no matter what the verdict is, I shall appeal!
- Judge Harvey Saunders: Order in this court! Order!
- Uncle Fester: I object!
- Judge Harvey Saunders: You object?
- Uncle Fester: Well, you don't expect me to sit here like a dummy, do ya?
- Judge Harvey Saunders: I hold you in contempt.
- Uncle Fester: Well, that makes us even.
- Judge Harvey Saunders: I'm beginning to doubt your credentials as a lawyer.
- Gomez Addams: I resent that!
- Judge Harvey Saunders: I think you're a fraud!
- Gomez Addams: [placated] That's different.
- [Morticia has the Judge's leave to run the court]
- Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] Perhaps you can penetrate the wall of bias and ignorance surrounding this travesty of justice.
- Morticia Addams: I can only try.
- Morticia Addams: You Honor, one look at the accused should convince you that she is as innocent as a newborn babe.
- Judge Harvey Saunders: Madam, I've seen more innocent looks on Murder Incorporated.
- Morticia Addams: [appraises the ceiling] Must be this light.
- Judge Harvey Saunders: In all my thirty years on the bench I have never seen a more preposterous, idiotic, reprehensible display of court conduct!
- Morticia Addams: Well, it did start that way, but you redeemed yourself.
- Gomez Addams: [to Judge Saunders] Well, sorry we can't stay around for the sentencing. We're double parked.
- [Morticia gazes into the crystal ball to see what's become of Judge Saunders since the trial]
- Morticia Addams: Oh, there he is. I can see him now, and he's still a judge.
- Gomez Addams: Supreme court?
- Morticia Addams: County fair.
- Gomez Addams: He deserved the promotion.