- [Lurch lays out hot coals]
- Gomez Addams: [to Fester] You said you'd go through fire for me, old man.
- Uncle Fester: Yeah, but not in my bare feet.
- Morticia Addams: Imagine, poisoning a child's mind with all this terrible literature.
- Gomez Addams: Children, have you protested?
- Pugsley Addams: Sure. We told Miss Doubleday that us Addamses like giants, goblins and witches.
- Wednesday Addams: But she just muttered something about nuts.
- Uncle Fester: I can see it all now: Morticia Addams, the new literary sensation, traveling all over the world, drinking it up at those literary teas...
- Gomez Addams: ...Making speeches, signing autographs, ha-ha, telling off the critics...
- Uncle Fester: We might not even see her for six months at a time.
- Gomez Addams: [stunned at the thought] Six months?
- Uncle Fester: Somebody's got to stay at home and take care of the kids.
- Gomez Addams: What about you?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, I can take care of myself.
- Morticia Addams: My first story: Cinderella, the Teenage Delinquent.
- Gomez Addams: Cinderella - ho ho! - my blood boils at the thought of that little minx.
- Morticia Addams: [reading from her first finished work] "As the clock struck twelve, the police, summoned by the kindly step-mother, found Cinderella cowering in the ashes with the stolen glass slipper and yanked her off to the pokey."
- Uncle Fester: Why don't you just change it a little bit so the publisher won't like it?
- Gomez Addams: Tamper with this masterpiece? Fester! That's like asking me to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa, or... or put plastic arms on Venus, or finger-paint on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
- Uncle Fester: Well, gee, it was just a suggestion.
- Gomez Addams: And a great one! I'll do it!
- Uncle Fester: [reading Morticia's manuscript] "Out of the sweet-scented swamp, Lucifer, the kindly wolf, minced daintily."
- Gomez Addams: All right, change that to: "Across a daisy-covered meadow the snarling, sniveling, slathering wolf slunk."
- [Mr. Boswell wants to publish Morticia's book but needs some start-up money]
- Gomez Addams: Just as I thought - a bunko artist out for the money.
- Uncle Fester: I'll shoot 'im in the back.
- Gomez Addams: I've got a better idea.
- Uncle Fester: In the front?
- Morticia Addams: Darling, will you please proofread that and send it off to a publisher?
- Gomez Addams: Which one?
- Morticia Addams: Uh, try Demon Press. They sound just perfect for children's books.
- Gomez Addams: Genius often goes unrecogniezed. After all, Dostoyevsky wasn't discovered until he was 56.
- Morticia Addams: Well, no wonder. With a name like that, the reviewers probably couldn't even spell it.
- Morticia Addams: What was the name of that mean little girl who was so beastly to those three lovely bears?
- Lurch: Goldilocks.
- Morticia Addams: Ah, yes, Goldilocks. Trust a blonde to bring on trouble. Well, when I get through with Miss Goldilocks, her books will be banned from coast to coast.
- Lurch: Ugggh.
- Uncle Fester: What's a matter, Gomez?
- Gomez Addams: Fester, you've caught me on the horns of a dilemma.
- Uncle Fester: Well, why don't you hop off of it and just tell me all about it?
- Gomez Addams: I'm supposed to mail this manuscript to Morticia's publisher but I don't dare!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, it's that bad, huh?
- Gomez Addams: It's that good! Once he sees this I've lost her forever. There'll be noting but abject misery for both of us. And the children.
- Uncle Fester: Eh, so, just don't mail it.
- Gomez Addams: I can't do that! She trusts me!
- Uncle Fester: That makes it easier.
- Pugsley Addams: Look at these books they gave us to read in school: "A Treasury of Mean Witches, Evil Giants, Wicked Goblins & Other Bedtime Stories by Moricia Addams."
- Wednesday Addams: Mother, how could you? Yuch!
- Gomez Addams: Children, please, watch your language. Besides, your mother didn't write those. I did.
- Morticia Addams: Gomez, you?
- Gomez Addams: Children, please go play with your spiders. Cara, much as it hurt to rewrite those glorious phrases of yours, I... I had to do it.
- Morticia Addams: And I know why.
- Gomez Addams: You do?
- Morticia Addams: You wanted to prove that the only thing that publishers will print today is junk.