- [Fester is cooking; Morticia reads his recipe book]
- Morticia Addams: Fillet of fenny snake in a caldron boil and bake. Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and pollywog...
- Gomez Addams: Ooo, stop, stop, you're making me hungry.
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester, this isn't a cookbook. That's the witches' scene from MacBeth.
- Uncle Fester: Hey, that Shakespeare was a real gourmet, wasn't he?
- Gomez Addams: Lurch! He's been stabbed!
- Morticia Addams: Nonsense, darling. That's the way he sings.
- Gomez Addams: He'd be better stabbed.
- [Morticia and Gomez play indoor golf, with Gomez's forehead used as the tee]
- Gomez Addams: [from the floor] All right, now. Eye on the ball.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, suppose I miss the ball and hit you.
- Gomez Addams: Counts as a stroke. Helps develops accuracy.
- Gomez Addams: Very well, put the blame on me. My shoulders are broad. At least they are in this suit.
- Uncle Fester: Don't worry Doctor Addams only lost one patient.
- Morticia Addams: His first, and his last.
- Uncle Fester: [a crowd of groupies is screaming outside] Hey, sounds like an accident!
- Gomez Addams: Great shades of satan! A lynch mob!
- Morticia Addams: Nonsense. Lurch wasn't that bad...
- Gomez Addams: [Lurch has left] Well, he belongs to the ages now.
- Morticia Addams: I'll miss his happy smiling face.
- Gomez Addams: I need a drink. I'll ring for Fester.
- [pulls the noose to chime the gong]
- Lurch: You rang?
- Gomez Addams: Lurch!
- Morticia Addams: You're back!
- Lurch: [exhausted after facing his adoring fans] To stay...
- Mizzy Bickle: [about Lurch] He'll sweep the country!
- Gomez Addams: Not so fast, Bickle, he hasn't swept the kitchen yet.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, country first, kitchen later.
- Mizzy Bickle: I'm gonna make this guy the biggest thing in the music business.
- Gomez Addams: He's already the biggest thing in the butler business. Show him, Lurch. Stand up.
- Mizzy Bickle: This guy's dynamite. He'll be bigger than the Beagles.
- Morticia Addams: The Beagles?
- Uncle Fester: They're very tasty.
- Gomez Addams: Those are bagels.
- Mizzy Bickle: The Begals? That's a great group, too.
- [the foghorn blows]
- Gomez Addams: Lurch! The door!
- Morticia Addams: Lurch is busy resting.
- Gomez Addams: That's ridiculous! How can he expect to rest with me yelling for him every five minutes?
- Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] Well, since I'm the one who got us into this mess, I'm gonna let you get us out. You tell Lurch he has to choose between crooning and butling.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, darling, I couldn't do that to dear Lurch.
- Uncle Fester: You're the head of the family, Gomez. You tell him.
- Gomez Addams: Am I supposed to do everything?
- Morticia Addams: We'll do this the democratic way. We'll vote on it.
- Gomez Addams: Capital idea!
- Morticia Addams: All those in favor of allowing Gomez to tell Lurch will say aye.
- Grandmama Addams: Aye.
- Uncle Fester: Aye.
- Morticia Addams: Aye - it's unanimous.
- Gomez Addams: But, I... I... I...
- Morticia Addams: Ah, three more ayes! It's becoming a landslide.
- [the excitement of a proposed concert tour causes Lurch laryngitis; Fester and Gomez try curing him with a tank of spray]
- Gomez Addams: Ah, it's no good, Fester. Didn't help a bit.
- Uncle Fester: Hmm. That's funny. It cured the rose bushes just like that.
- [Fester clicks his fingers]
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester, I don't believe Lurch has aphids.
- Morticia Addams: Lurch, try some of my old-fashioned remedy.
- Grandmama Addams: Don't spill it on the table. Takes the paint right off.
- [Lurch hands out autographed pictures of himself]
- Gomez Addams: Best picture you ever took, Lurch - doesn't look a thing like you.