- Gomez Addams: [building a robot] Wrench!
- Uncle Fester: [assisting him] Wrench!
- Gomez Addams: Pliers!
- Uncle Fester: Pliers!
- Gomez Addams: Screwdriver!
- Uncle Fester: Screwdriver!
- [he gives him a Screwdriver cocktail]
- Gomez Addams: [drinks] Delicious!
- Gomez Addams: [grabbing and kissing Morticia's arm] Tish, that French! Speak some more. Au revoir. Avant-garde. Ooh la la.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, Lurch now; ooh la la later.
- Gomez Addams: I've been yanking on this bell for twenty minutes. Why doesn't Lurch answer?
- Uncle Fester: Want me to go up to his room and see if he's dead or somethin'?
- Morticia Addams: If he's resting we shouldn't want to disturb him, and if he's dead there's no point to it.
- Lurch: Smiley wants my job. They like him best. Pile of tin junk! It's unfair.
- [Thing offers Lurch a tissue which, as Lurch takes it, turns out to be a sheet]
- Lurch: Thank you, Thing. I'm through, finished.
- [Thing wags a "no you're not" finger at him]
- Lurch: What can I do?
- [Thing makes a fist, punches the air twice, slaps the air three times, punches the air twice more then collapses]
- Lurch: [inspired] Eh. You're a real friend, Thing.
- Morticia Addams: I'm a little worried about Lurch, though, darling.
- Gomez Addams: [still recuperating from playing samurai with Lurch] You think I overdid it this time, took too much out of him?
- Morticia Addams: No, but I do think we're overworking the poor dear.
- Gomez Addams: We just work him day and night. All the rest of the time's his own.
- Morticia Addams: Ah, dear Lurch. He's so pleased with his new helper.
- Gomez Addams: Always was a warm, friendly, sort.
- Gomez Addams: [admiring Morticia's flower stems] You were born with a green thumb.
- Morticia Addams: [looking at her thumb] Really? Must have been very attractive.
- Wednesday Addams: [walking away from a card game] I give up!
- Morticia Addams: Now-now, darling, you must learn to be a good loser.
- Wednesday Addams: I'm winning.
- Morticia Addams: Oh?
- Wednesday Addams: But it's no fun. Smiley can't cheat like Lurch.
- Morticia Addams: [bowing to Gomez who has come bounding into the living room wielding a samurai sword] Gong ho, my lord and master.
- Gomez Addams: [likewise bowing] Yasho, me shukiyaki.
- Morticia Addams: Samurai time again, darling?
- Gomez Addams: Yes, but it won't be much fun without Lurch. Then, he has to get his rest. I'll teach Smiley. Smiley!
- Smiley: [enters] You - rang?
- Gomez Addams: No, Smiley, I called. I'm going to make an ancient Japanese warrior out of you, Smiley. First thing I want you to do...
- Lurch: [interrupting as he enters] Nooooooooooooo!
- Lurch: [to Smiley] Follow me.
- Morticia Addams: [after Lurch and Smiley exit] Isn't that sweet! I don't think Lurch is jealous of Smiley anymore. He probably wants to play with him.
- Gomez Addams: Well, this house always has bred peace and harmony.
- [loud commotion offstage; Lurch re-enters alone]
- Gomez Addams: What was that noise all about?
- Morticia Addams: And where is Smiley?
- Lurch: [holds up large wrench] Resigned.
- Lurch: [puts down wrench, picks up samurai sword, faces Gomez] Banzai!
- Gomez Addams: [delighted] Banzai!
- [Gomez leaps into action, yelling in Japanese]
- Gomez Addams: Can you imagine a roast aardvark without an apple in its mouth. It's like... it's like, uh... a martini without the egg.
- Morticia Addams: [Lurch is brushing the polar bear] Ah Lurch, when you finish there, I wish you'd milk Pugsley's octopus and shampoo Mama's alligator.
- Lurch: Yes, Mrs. Addams.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, and when you make up our bed, Mr. Addams' pillow is getting soft again. I think you'd better add a dash of cement.
- Morticia Addams: I just peeked into the kitchen and saw Smiley washing the dishes for Lurch.
- Gomez Addams: Splendid. I hope his hands don't rust.