- Isobel Dunbar: Mr. Addams, ah... I've been thinking about us. I'm afraid we're making a mistake.
- Gomez Addams: [grabbing her] A mistake?
- Isobel Dunbar: Oh...
- Gomez Addams: Did Sampson and Delilah make a mistake?
- Isobel Dunbar: Yes!
- Gomez Addams: Did Anthony and Cleopatra make a mistake?
- Isobel Dunbar: Yes!
- Gomez Addams: Did Romeo and Juliet make a mistake?
- Isobel Dunbar: Yes!
- Gomez Addams: Well, everyone's entitled to one mistake.
- Uncle Fester: He sure convinced me, having that woman laying down in his arms like that, with her hair stragling down all over her shoulders, and her eyes afire, and her cheeks aflame!
- Morticia Addams: You saw all that?
- Uncle Fester: Yeah! And I only caught a glance.
- [Principal Jennings interrupts Gomez's ovations to Miss Dunbar]
- Gomez Addams: Sir, if you're a jealous husband or boyfriend, the whole thing was a mistake, an April Fool joke.
- J. Laurel Jennings: An April Fool joke - In October?
- Gomez Addams: I like to get an early start.
- Isobel Dunbar: [reading Pugsley's letter aloud] "When I first saw you from afar, my heart flamed with a fierce passion. And when you spoke French - Ooo-la-la! Ah, your radiant beauty..."
- Isobel Dunbar, Gomez Addams: [together] "... your captivating allure..."
- Gomez Addams: "... drew me to you like honey to a suckle." Honey to a suckle?
- Isobel Dunbar: Then... you wrote this?
- Gomez Addams: [taking the letter in fond reminiscence] I certainly did.
- Isobel Dunbar: Oh, Mr. Addams. I don't know what to say. I never had an attractive man like you fall in love with me before.
- Gomez Addams: Heh-heh-heh... What?
- Gomez Addams: We'll fly away together to the Black Forest.
- Isobel Dunbar: But what about your wife?
- Gomez Addams: She's been there.
- Morticia Addams: Gomez, I'm leaving this house and taking the children with me.
- Gomez Addams: Go ahead and leave!
- Isobel Dunbar: Mr. Addams...
- Gomez Addams: Hush, my darling. Take the children. Take the neighbor's children! Take Uncle Fester. Take Mama!
- Morticia Addams: She's your Mama...
- Gomez Addams: Very well, we'll share custody. But I get full custody of Lurch!
- [Something's ailing Pugsley]
- Morticia Addams: The poor dear looks miserable.
- Uncle Fester: Well, he never was too attractive.
- Gomez Addams: I'll never forget my first crush. She was a ravishing creature of eight, but it didn't work out. The first time I kissed her we locked braces. Took the dentist two hours to pry us apart.
- Pugsley Addams: I'm writing a letter.
- Morticia Addams: [sniffs] Scented?
- Pugsley Addams: Licorice. My favorite.
- J. Laurel Jennings: [truly surprised at Pugsley's letter to Miss Dunbar] How do you know the Addams boy wrote it?
- Isobel Dunbar: I saw him sneak it on my desk.
- J. Laurel Jennings: Well, you had better see Romeo's folks about this immediately.
- Isobel Dunbar: [fawning] I was hoping you'd come with me Mr. Jennings. You're so diplomatic, assured, poised - masculine!
- J. Laurel Jennings: True. True.
- Isobel Dunbar: And I'm so bumbling, helpless, ineffective...
- J. Laurel Jennings: True. True.
- Isobel Dunbar: ...Feminine!
- J. Laurel Jennings: [avoiding the bait] Come, Miss Dunbar, you'll have to handle this yourself.
- Isobel Dunbar: I have a... a... Well, there's a letter I simply must read to you.
- Gomez Addams: Well, sit right down. Make yourself comfortable. Read away.
- Isobel Dunbar: Some of this is embarrassing.
- Gomez Addams: Really? My favorite reading.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, what have I done? Our wonderful life together, our magical moments, gone!
- [picks up a small vase and smashes it to pieces]
- Morticia Addams: Broken!
- [picks up a mug and smashes it on the floor]
- Morticia Addams: Smashed to bits!
- [picks up a large vase and throws it to the floor]
- Morticia Addams: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
- Gomez Addams: Lincoln?
- Morticia Addams: Jefferson.
- Uncle Fester: [to Gomez] I don't know about you, but I come from a long line of stool pigeons.
- [shouting]
- Uncle Fester: Morticia!
- Uncle Fester: Morticia, I don't know how to tell you this, but your husband's a fink.
- Morticia Addams: My husband Gomez?
- Uncle Fester: You got another? He's playin' footsies with another woman. And when I say "footsies" I don't mean "footsies."
- Morticia Addams: Just tell Gomez I said 'Don't stop.'
- Uncle Fester: 'Don't stop.'
- Morticia Addams: He'll understand.
- Uncle Fester: You know me - Old Dependable.
- [later]
- Uncle Fester: Morticia says 'Don't stop'.
- Gomez Addams: Don't stop? Thanks.
- Gomez Addams: [back to Miss Dunbar] Now what was I saying before we were interrupted? Ah, yes! I was saying that nobody must be allowed to interrupt.
- Uncle Fester: [running out of the room] Morticia!