'Allo 'Allo! (TV Series)

The Nicked Knockwurst (1986)

Gorden Kaye: René Artois

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Yvette has brought more hot water for René's bath] 

  Yvette Carte-Blanche : The old boiler is in a terrible state.

  René : I do not know why I married her in the first place.

• [Edith has just given another tuneless singing performance] 

  Lt. Hubert Gruber : Madame Edith has an unusual voice, René. Was it trained?

  René Artois : Oh, yes... But it escaped and returned to the wild.

• René : [singing in bathtub]  Are you, by any chance, thinking that I am singing in the bath, because I am happy? No, You are wrong. I am singing in the bath because there is no lock on the door.

• Yvette Carte-Blanche : [Yvette delivering hot water to René's bath]  The old boiler is in a terrible state.

  René : I do not know why I married her in the first place.

• Michelle Dubois : [Michelle talking to Rene through the upper story bathroom window]  ... Now, pay carful attention. This is the plan, the brackets have cracked and are coming away from the wall.

  René : What does that mean?

  Michelle Dubois : It means you are going to need a new drainpipe...

  [screams as she disappears from the window] 

• René : Maria will you take over the bar and make sure the lieutenant gets what he wants.

  Maria Recamier : Oh, can't I just take over the bar?

  [Lt Grubber frowns] 

• René : He

  [Herr Flick] 

  René : will have me shot.

  Col. Von Strom : No he will not, I'm the Commandant here. Herr Flick has no authority to have you shot.

  Capt. Hans Geering : He will have to ask the Coronel, and he will have you shot.

  René : That makes me feel a lot better.

• Col. Von Strom : [Colonel von Strom demands René stop helping the resistance]  Promise me, on your honor.

  René : Well...

  Capt. Hans Geering : On your honor as a Frenchman.

  René : Oh Well, that is different. You have my word.