Strange Wilderness (2008)

Steve Zahn: Peter

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Gaulke : [after being shown clip of an alligator attack]  Luckily, we caught that on tape so that man will be honored.

  Ed Lawson : You want to honor the man by showing him being killed by an alligator on your wildlife show?

• Peter Gaulke : [looking at napkin]  This is it? Our entire voice-over for our show on bears is written on a cocktail napkin?

  Fred Wolf : Yeah, we wrote it last night when we were at P.J. Mahoney's.

  Peter Gaulke : [reading napkin]  Bears are large and brown. Alright, come on. Not all bears are large. How about baby bears, huh? Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. No. It's the other way around. Jesus Christ Fred, come on. It is estimated that bears kill over two million salmon a year. Attacks by salmon on bears are much more rare. Right, that's got to be true, right? Alright, let's go with that one.

• Peter Gaulke : [doing voice-over]  No matter how many sea lions are killed each year by sharks, it never seems like enough

• Peter Gaulke : [narrating]  Monkeys make up over 80% of the world's monkey population.

• Peter Gaulke : [upon seeing a monkey's balls]  Those balls are sensational. To a lion, these balls are called a sack lunch.

• Peter Gaulke : Bears are a proud people, although they're not people per-say. They're animals. Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. Bears have been known to attack man, although the fact is that fewer people have been killed by bears than in all of World World I and World War II combined. Brown bears bloves fishing. Brown... Brown bears bloves... God, why am I having so much trouble saying brown...

  Fred Wolf : Maybe it's the two b's in brown bears. Try something different.

  Peter Gaulke : I got it. I'm ready. Okay. Red bears love fish.

  Debbie : [walking into room]  Pete, you're late for your meeting with Lawson down at KPIP.

  Peter Gaulke : Deb, we're in the middle of a recording session. So every fucking thing you say is going down on tape.

  Debbie : Oh, right, like you guys ever care about that crap?

• Peter Gaulke : Sharks are only found in two places on Earth: the northern and southern hemishperes.

• Whitaker : Hey, wait a minute. These are the fish that ate Dick, right?

  Peter Gaulke , Cooker : Yeah!

  Whitaker : Alright, so go with me here. If Dick is in the fishes, and we're eating the fishes, doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?

  Cooker : [after a long pause]  What the fuck!

  [everyone spits out the fish in disgust] 

• Ed Lawson : [after showing clip of topless girls dancing around in front of a fake background]  Now what the hell is that?

  Peter Gaulke : It's the African wilderness. It's, uh, natives doing a war dance.

  Ed Lawson : That's not Africa.

  Peter Gaulke : Right, well, not totally. See, um, a lot of the women of the bush; they're not really that good looking. So we got these girls instead. They're from Long Beach.

• Peter Gaulke : These birds are saying howdy to the zebra. Actually, they're not saying howdy. They're eating the shit out of him.

• Peter Gaulke : Is that a thong you're wearing?

  Cooker : What the fuck you say?

  Peter Gaulke : You have a thong on?

  Cooker : [laughing]  Yeah, I'm wearing a thong.

• Cheryl : You guys! I have been tracking you for hours! Why did you leave me back there?

  Peter Gaulke : Well, we... we thought you ran off with Gus Hayden.

  Cheryl : You really think I'd do that?

  Fred Wolf : Yeah.

  Cheryl : Gross! I'd want to fuck even you guys before I'd want to fuck him!

• Peter Gaulke : I should've never hired you!

  Cooker : That's the most un-American thing I've ever heard in my life!

• [first lines] 

  Peter Gaulke : [talking on phone]  Look at my dad. He was the king. I mean, no matter what happened, I mean he was as cool as a cucumber. He never forgot a line, and he never let anything ruffle him. My dad was the king. No doubt. And his TV show ruled the ratings.

  [lights up weed] 

  Peter Gaulke : What was that?

  [coughs while getting high] 

  Peter Gaulke : Excuse me. It was a wildlife show called Strange Wilderness. Oh, you remember that? Do you remember my dad? Oh cool. Yeah, then he died and then I took over the show, then it went all to hell. I mean, I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all. I don't know. I don't know if it was like I wasn't bright enough, or I didn't work hard enough, or I used to smoke a lot of dope. So... um... no I quit. Yeah, totally. What happened to the show? At first, it was great. I had a really great crew, we were doing what we loved, but then... I don't know. Things got a little strange.

• Fred Wolf : [while recording Peter]  I hear that weird bubbling sound again.

  Peter Gaulke : It's not bubbling.

  Milas : Junior, I said knock it off!

• Fred Wolf : [seeing smoke entering the shot]  We got fog rolling in, man.

  Peter Gaulke : It's not fog. Milas, can you help me out here?

  Milas : For god's sake Junior, just sit the bong down!

• Peter Gaulke : I need you to take an inventory of everything's that left, okay? Go! Now!

  Whitaker : [looking around]  Uh, okay. We got one sleeping bag, so I think we're pretty much fucked.

• Dick : That jungle is thick. I don't think anybody's even been in there. You know, you should quit now while you're alive.

  Peter Gaulke : Nope. Not on my watch.

• Peter Gaulke : [to wheelchair-bound Danny]  Hey, why are you all up in my waist, man? You feeling froggy? Huh? Why don't you take a leap?

  Danny Guiterrez : I can't. That's fucked up!

• Peter Gaulke : [rejecting Whitaker during job interview]  Well if you want, we could, eh, hire you, fire you, push you into a mud puddle and then you could keep this whole sad sack train chugging along.

• Fred Wolf : [to Whitaker]  Why don't you, eh, go make a Blues album?

  Peter Gaulke : Yeah, you could call it 'Im a poor little sad sack'.

• Bill Calhoun : Pierson may have the map and a three days head start, but that won't be enough.

  [hands over a copy of the map] 

  Peter Gaulke : Thanks.

  Bill Calhoun : Cause now you have the map and I'm gonna give you a little something extra. His name is Gus Hayden.

  Peter Gaulke : You are shitting me! You know Bigfoot's name?