Scoop (2006)

Woody Allen: Sid Waterman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sid Waterman : I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older I converted to narcissism

• Sid Waterman : I don't need to work out. My anxiety acts as aerobics.

• Sid Waterman : I was in the lounge, I heard you drowning, I finished my tea and scones and came immediately!

• Sondra Pransky : You are a cynical crapehanger who always see the glass half-empty!

  Sid Waterman : No, you're wrong. I see the glass half full, but of poison.

• Sondra Pransky : I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to marry him someday.

  Sid Waterman : You come from an orthodox family, would they accept a serial killer?

• Sid Waterman : Sixteen, 16 blue horses. Twenty-one jet planes. And - and 12 midgets - 12 spinning - spinning midgets. Spinning midgets.

• Sondra Pransky : Look, I can't just go up to him and say, "Hi, how are you?" I mean, it would make him suspicious. So, you know - anything - he gets... put off or...

  Sid Waterman : Drown!

  Sondra Pransky : What?

  Sid Waterman : Drown! Drown! I'll go get co-, I'll go get co...

  Sondra Pransky : [shakes her head]  Ach...

  Sid Waterman : Listen to me! I'll go get coffee, you get a cramp. Go into the water, flounder around, you know...

  Sondra Pransky : [sighs]  Ahh...

  Sid Waterman : Yes! Go ahead, sweetheart. That's, that's a great idea. He'll oblige to save you that way and if he doesn't, you know, then I'll notify your parents.

• [repeated line] 

  Sid Waterman : I love you, really. With all due respect, you're a beautiful person. You're a credit to your race.

• Sid Waterman : We need to put our heads together.

  Sondra Pransky : If you put OUR heads together, you'll hear a hollow noise.

• Sid Waterman : You may be deceased, but you should not be discouraged.

• [last lines] 

  Sid Waterman : I'll show you a little trick now, and - and - and - I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I mean this sincerely, I say this with all due respect, you're a wonderful group, and a fantastic group of people, I love you, I - and I feel I'm coming back from you, you know, and - and you may be deceased but you should not be discouraged. Because, you know, uh, d-d-don't think of b-being dead as a handicap, you know what - when as I child I stuttered, but with stick-to-it-tiveness and perseverence, you know, you can never tell what can happen. Now I want you to take a card out, Alma, right, take any card you want, just pick...

  Sid's Co-Passenger : Okay.

  Sid Waterman : Pick it, fine, sweetheart, I love you sweetheart, it's fantastic.

• Sondra Pransky : Why don't you think about this as adding some excitement to your life?

  Sid Waterman : Sweeheart, excitement in my life is dinner without heartburn after it.

• Sid Waterman : Did you accomplish anything besides a possible pregnancy?

  Sondra Pransky : I'll tell you what I did see: his mother, Lady Eleanor, has short-cut, brunette hair.

  Sid Waterman : [stuttering]  Yeah, but not a hooker?

  Sondra Pransky : [shocked pause]  No, Sidney, she's not a hooker! I hardly think so. She's practically royalty. Christ, you amaze me sometimes. Your brain!

• Sid Waterman : You're the daughter I never had.

  Sondra Pransky : [touched]  Oh, Sidney...

  Sid Waterman : No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Cause I never wanted to have kids. I didn't because you have kids... what is it? You know you're nice to them... you bring them up... you suffer... y-you take care of them... and then they grow up and... and... and they accuse... uh... you of having Alzheimer's.

• Sid Waterman : You know not everything in the world is sinister... just practically everything.

• Sondra Pransky : Dad, I need to talk to you. Right now.

  [serious] 

  Sid Waterman : Right now, sweetie? I was just about to pull some quarters out of Mrs. Quincy's nose!

• Sid Waterman : You're alone up there with a very, very dangerous man! That's two "very's"!

• Sondra Pransky : How can we meet him?

  Sid Waterman : You know, I don't know... They have a class system. He's an aristocrat and, you know, we're... we're commoners. In fact according to his system, we're... I think we're probably classified as scum.

• Sid Waterman : Not everything in this world is sinister... just practically everything.

  Sondra Pransky : Ugh... the Indian food made me sick.

  Sid Waterman : What? You barely touched your cobra salad, how can you be sick?

• Sid Waterman : Actually, I bought my first Reubens with my poker winnings.

  Garden Party Guest : [stunned]  You bought a Rubens painting?

  Sid Waterman : Oh, oh, no. Not a painting. A sandwich.

• Sid Waterman : This guy must be some lover if you're ready to drop the whole investigation! I must find out what breakfast cereal he eats...

• Sid Waterman : Geez, if I ever catch that Joe Strombel, I'll kill him.

• Sondra Pransky : Do you have a family?

  Sid Waterman : I had a wife but sh... she dumped me if you can believe that.

  Sondra Pransky : Somehow...

  Sid Waterman : She thought I was immature and that I never grew up... I had a great rebuttal for her, I coulda nailed her, you know, but uh... I raised my hand, she would *not* call on me.

• [From trailer] 

  Sid Waterman : The man is a liar and a murderer, and I say that with all due respect.

• Sid Waterman : Oh yes, she can't swim. She sinks like a stone! It's a family trait, actually, lack of buoyancy. Her siblings suffer from it too.

• Man : So what do you do, Mr. Spence?

  Sid Waterman : Real estate.

  [stutters, double take] 

  Sid Waterman : Uh, I mean, oil. I WAS in real estate, but now I'm in oil. I mean, now land is getting hard to come by... especially... outdoors.

• Sondra Pransky : Why would Peter kill a prostitute?

  Sid Waterman : Because it looks bad on his resume!

• Sid Waterman : I don't know what you've been smoking, but don't try to bring it through customs.

• Sondra Pransky : He asked me to go dancing with him.

  Sid Waterman : That's perfect strategy. You worm your way in like a rodent or a roach, and as the crumbs fall off the table, you collect them and we analyze them.

• Sondra Pransky : [Speaking of Strombel]  Look, the spirit appeared next to me. at first I thought he was one of your stooges.

  Sid Waterman : I don't work with stooges. You know, because you gotta pay them health benefits.

• Sid Waterman : Maybe he's got another woman on the side, and he likes you, but he's sexually attracted to her.

  Sondra Pransky : Thanks, Sidney!

• [From trailer] 

  Sondra Pransky : This guy is a serial killer! He could just kill at any moment!

  Sid Waterman : Yeah, I heard that part. That's when I knew I was gonna make other plans.

• Sid Waterman : You're a pretty girl. You know, I think you could probably get this guy to get interested in you.

  Sondra Pransky : Oh, you're silly...

  Sid Waterman : Yeah, particularly if he's got a twisted mind.

• Sid Waterman : This guy is a serial-killer like I play for the New York Jets.

• Sondra Pransky : [Peter told them he'd be out of town but then they spotted him across the street]  I just can't believe he lied to me!

  Sid Waterman : Maybe he's just doing something he's ashamed of, like maybe he belongs to these clubs where he dresses up as a crossdresser, or maybe he does folk dancing!

• Sid Waterman : They'll take us to the Tower of London and behead us!

• Sid Waterman : What about Indian food, do you like spicy food?

  Sondra Pransky : No, no, it's OK, I don't have that much of an appetite.

  Sid Waterman : But you will, when they bring out the prawns in hydrochloric acid...

• Sondra Pransky : I think it's time that we show my story to a real journalist.

  Sid Waterman : What do you mean, a real journalist?

  Sondra Pransky : One that's living.

• Sid Waterman : Do we have time for a card trick?

  Sid's Co-Passenger : Yes!

  Sid's Co-Passenger : [stands]  I believe we have eternity.

• Sid Waterman : I'm gonna start agitating your molecules.

• Sid Waterman : It's a red sweater. It's kind of a red, tomato red, like a fire engine. A red, a rouge...

  Housekeeper : I understand, sir. Red.

• Desk Clerk : Peter Lyman. Yes, came in a few minutes ago.

  Sid Waterman : What color bathing suit does he have on?

  Sondra Pransky : Hey, what...?

  Sid Waterman : I - do you want me clash with him?

  [scoffs] 

• Sid Waterman : [at Peter Lyman's garden party]  Should we hit the buffet table first, though? Because the stuff looks great.

  Sondra Pransky : No, Dad! Remember, we wanted to look around.

  Sid Waterman : Yes, of course, of course, blessed offspring.

• Sid Waterman : [Attempts to break the door cipher]  It's eight blue horses. No, no, no. It's 10. Ten spinning midgets. No, it's 12.

  [stammering] 

  Sid Waterman : Twelve jet planes and eight... No. Calm down, calm down. It was... It was...

  [stuttering] 

  Sid Waterman : Eight maids a-milking and three French hens. No, no... Sixteen, wait, 20 jet planes, 12 spinning midgets.

  [chuckling] 

  Sid Waterman : Eureka!

  [Lock beeping] 

• Sid Waterman : Where are you from, Sondra? No, no, no. Don't tell me; because, I got a great ear for that kind of thing. Eh, Alabama? Am I right.

  Sondra Pransky : Close. I'm from Brooklyn.

• Sid Waterman : Have you ever been dematerialized before?

• Sid Waterman : I'm on stage. I'm doing the dematerializer trick with this chick from Manchester. I don't know where they get these people, but she looked like Sitting Bull.

• Sid Waterman : I must find out who does the hedges here. Back home, my topiary moose is starting to look a little shabby around the antlers.

• Sid Waterman : I was just checking out the Stradivarius. And I play a few pieces myself on the violin. Prokofiev and Bartok, "The Hot Canary".

• Sid Waterman : He wanted to share it with me because, you know, in case something happened, you know, life is very capricious. A stroke, a sudden embolism, or lightning.

• Jan : What paper? What paper are you from?

  Sid Waterman : The Washington Post. I'm one of the top reporters on the - Did you see "All the President's Men"? I was the short guy.

• Sid Waterman : I notice you didn't get the red sweater. She probably left it in another bedroom. You know, she's got a little problem with promiscuity.

• Sid Waterman : I play the blues harp. It's a little metal thing you put in your mouth and makes a twanging sound. Very musical. It used to be called the Jew's harp, but you know how those people are. The slightest hint of anti-Semitism and they write letters.

• Sid Waterman : No, darling, I do not think it's a good idea.

  Sondra Pransky : It's a very good idea!

• Sid Waterman : I just go exotic to give the square haircuts a little charisma now and then.

• Sid Waterman : Get in the box. Get in the box. Go ahead. In the box. Go ahead. Get in the box. Get in the box. Hurry up.