- Johnny Trinno: [giving the toast at Maz's wedding] So to recap, throughout it all, there's been a lot of laughter, and a few tears. But in the end the clouds parted, and the good Lord himself decided it was meant to be. And that's how I finished the regular season batting .706.
- Gina: Okay, you know what? I'm not being a bitch here. You're missing Marie's recital tonight, and I said we could wait 'til after the softball season to go on our honeymoon. I even let you pick your scumbag friend Artie as best man!
- Maz: Sweetheart, listen, huh? It's the first game of the season. I just don't wanna be late, alright? I'm with you on the cakes, I'll look at 'em later.
- Gina: You know, I was gonna surprise you by making your little plastic man on the cake a Derek Jeter action figure. But now? No. I'm making you one of those Puerto Ricans from the fucking Mets!
- Maz: Don't even joke like that, Gina!
- Maz: I'll have an egg-white omelet made with very little oil, dry wheat toast, and grapefruit juice.
- Johnny Trinno: Oh my god, that's the gayest order I've ever heard.
- Artie DeVanzo: You know, in Massachusetts, that order could legally marry a dude.
- Maz: Alright, here it comes.
- Johnny Trinno: You know, just placing an order like that would get you kicked out of the army.
- Artie DeVanzo: You know, if you put a construction helmet on that order, it could join the Village People.
- Rhonda: Would you guys knock it off so I can do my job?
- Maz: Thank you.
- Rhonda: Alright, Maz, that's an egg-white omelet, dry wheat toast, grapefruit juice.
- Maz: That's right.
- Rhonda: Do you want a side order of cock with that?
- Artie DeVanzo: Ohh! Alright, listen up. Anybody who doesn't do a pregame shot with me right now is a fucking pussy.
- Dennis Mangenelli: Jerk off!
- Artie DeVanzo: Hey, did this jerk off just call me a jerk off?
- Maz: If you're gonna ask her, you gotta be prepared to answer the question yourself. So, what's your number?
- Artie DeVanzo: Let's see. I used to be better at keeping track of this. Uh, seventy-three.
- Maz: Not counting whores.
- Artie DeVanzo: Six.
- [Both pause]
- Artie DeVanzo: You're right, I'll drop the whole thing.
- Linda Salvo: I'm so embarrassed right now.
- Artie DeVanzo: You're embarrassed? I just got cock-blocked by my mom!
- Artie DeVanzo: [imitating Yankees PA Announcer Bob Sheppard] Your attention please, now pitching for Mangenelli: Number 1, Needle Dick,
- [Artie's team laughs]
- Artie DeVanzo: Number 1
- Dennis Mangenelli: Yeah, all right!
- Artie DeVanzo: Needle Dick.
- Alfonse: Check it out, my new italiano mit.
- Maz: That's cool, Alfonse.
- Johnny Trinno: How much of a guido could you possibly be?
- Johnny Trinno: [speaking in an announcer-type voice] Now coming to bat is Artie DeVanzo. Last season was a fine one for DeVanzo, we all know that. He batted 420 with 45 RBIs. He enters today's game with a Blood Alcohol Content of .16. If you kids scoring at home, that is an impressive *twice* the legal limit.
- Artie DeVanzo: Come on let's get this guy! Let's get this punk! He's nothin'! He's a loser! He's an asshole! A cock sucker! He's a total piece a shit!
- Dennis Mangenelli: You shut up fatso!
- Artie DeVanzo: Hey, watch the name-calling!
- Dirt: Don't eyeball me tough guy! When I was in the joint, I fucked guys bigger than you!
- Artie DeVanzo: What the hell are we waiting for-hey did Dirt just say he use to fuck guys?
- Linda Salvo: Be honest with me, Artie. The only reason you like me is because I fuck you.
- Artie DeVanzo: Not at all... I mean it's awesome.
- Johnny Trinno: Let me get a bacon egg and cheese on a hard roll with a side order of fries, cheese, and gravy and a bowl of gravy on the side.
- Artie DeVanzo: I'll have the same thing, plus pancakes.
- Rhonda: Chocolate milk?
- Artie DeVanzo: You know it honey.
- Maz: [responding to Artie about un-inviting Mangenelli to the wedding] He's Gina's cousin, he's going to be there, and don't start any trouble.
- Artie DeVanzo: Hey, I'm not one to start trouble.
- Johnny Trinno: Oh my God you fat fuckin' liar.
- Maz: Alright, Dirt. Just throw it in there, baby. Come on!
- Artie DeVanzo: [punches glove] Whatta you say now Dirt, you character.
- Dennis Mangenelli: Hey, DaVanzo
- Artie DeVanzo: If you're gonna ask if you can suck my left nut, the answer's maybe.
- Linda Salvo: [as Artie and Linda sit in the car after their date] Alright listen, if you're really quick I'll give you a blowjob, but you gotta be quick!
- Artie DeVanzo: Kidding me? I hear ya. When blowjobs go on too long it's like you chicks forget guys' dicks get tired.
- Linda Salvo: Stop with the jokes, I gotta be up for work early tomorrow so concentrate, okay?
- Artie DeVanzo: I'll be Hugh fucking Downs.
- Linda Salvo: Who the fuck is that?
- Artie DeVanzo: He was the host of Concentration just blow me.
- Artie's Mom: [interrupting them, unexpectedly] I made tiramisu, you kids wants some?
- Artie DeVanzo: No mom, go back inside!
- Artie's Mom: It's in the fridge, you change your mind.
- Artie DeVanzo: *Back inside*!
- Linda Salvo: I'm so embarrassed right now.
- Artie DeVanzo: You're embarrassed I just got cock blocked by my mom!