Hoodwinked! (2005)
David Ogden Stiers: Nicky Flippers
Photos
Quotes
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Nicky Flippers : [preparing to question Red, whose hands are still in cuffs] What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists can slip right out. How about a cage?
Det. Bill Stork : [on radio, eager] Bring in the cage!
Nicky Flippers : I was being sarcastic.
Det. Bill Stork : [resigned, into radio] Sarcasm. Strike the cage...
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Nicky Flippers : What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?
The Wolf : I'm a shepherd.
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Nicky Flippers : It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.
[walks past dog typing notes]
Nicky Flippers : Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.
The Wolf : The Goody Bandit
Nicky Flippers : That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.
The Woodsman : Not my finger!
[quickly puts index finger in mouth and starts sucking it]
Nicky Flippers : Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.
[the Woodsman starts spluttering]
Nicky Flippers : Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?
The Woodsman : But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?
Nicky Flippers : Thats right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right Granny?
Granny : Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.
The Woodsman : Huh?
Nicky Flippers : A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.
Chief Grizzly : And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?
Nicky Flippers : Or she could just be another victim... of a hungry Wolf
The Wolf : Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.
Nicky Flippers : Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?
Chief Grizzly : Maybe he's not a wolf at all!
The Wolf : You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.
Chief Grizzly : Is this all just a big joke to you?
The Wolf : I just followed the girl here.
Granny : You leave my granddaughter alone!
Nicky Flippers : Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run.
[camera points to empty chair]
Nicky Flippers : Where is she anyway?
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Nicky Flippers : So! Mr. Wolf... May I call you Wolf?
The Wolf : You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.
Chief Grizzly : Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, SO START SINGIN'!
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Chief Grizzly : Am I gonna get to put the cuffs on someone or WHAT?
Nicky Flippers : Ah, remember Ted, pieces of the puzzle make funny shapes, but they still fit together in the end.
Chief Grizzly : Boy, you're just full o' those, aren'tcha?
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[Red has just explained how she escaped the Wolf]
Chief Grizzly : Yep, that settles it. We've got our bandit.
Nicky Flippers : Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.
Tommy : [oinks] Chickens?
Red Puckett : You've gotta admit, a wolf stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!
Nicky Flippers : Yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.
Tommy : [on radio] Yeah Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?
Bruce : Uh... the creepy one?
Tommy : Yeah, better let him go.
Nicky Flippers : [to Red] So you went on to Granny's?
Red Puckett : I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.
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Nicky Flippers : Well! Someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave.
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[Flippers has shown up uninvited]
Chief Grizzly : Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is *my* case!
Nicky Flippers : Well, someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights, thought the circus was in town.
[eyes the four detainees]
Nicky Flippers : Now of course, I see I was right.
Chief Grizzly : Well you're too late, Nicky, I've got this case wrapped up nice and tight.
Nicky Flippers : Is that right?
Chief Grizzly : Yeah.
Red Puckett : They've got this all wrong, Mr. Flippers.
[Flippers turns to Red]
Nicky Flippers : Oh, I don't know. You look pretty dangerous to me. What's your name?
Red Puckett : Red.
Nicky Flippers : And why do they call you that?
Red Puckett : Why do they call you "Flippers"?
Nicky Flippers : [Cuts to Flippers on the dance floor at a disco club in a flashy white suit. As the crowd chants "Go Flippers!" in the background, he does a backflip and lands in a splitz] Uh, no reason.
Red Puckett : They call me "Red" because of this red hood I wear.
Nicky Flippers : What about when you're not wearing it?
[beat]
Red Puckett : I usually wear it.
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Granny : [Granny has just revealed that she is an extreme sports athlete] Honey, don't look at your granny like that.
Red Puckett : I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G! Or are you the Bandit?
[beat]
Det. Bill Stork : Awkward!
[awkwardly side slips his way out of the room]
Granny : You're being ridiculous, Red.
Red Puckett : *I'm* being ridiculous? You're off living... La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills! And I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?
Tommy : I, have a...
Nicky Flippers : Coffee break, anyone?
Chief Grizzly : Uh, yeah.
Det. Bill Stork : Whose got my keys?
Raccoon Jerry : You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?
Chief Grizzly : Excuse us.
[Everyone except Red and Granny files out of the room]
Granny : I thought you were happy.
Red Puckett : Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?
Granny : Of course you do. You're a Puckett.
Red Puckett : [sighs] I don't know what that means anymore.
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Nicky Flippers : [to The Woodsman] I think it's safe to say that our thespian friend here knows the least about anything of anyone in this room.
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Nicky Flippers : [Twitchy runs across the road, causing Chief Grizzly to swerve before straightening up the car again] Who taught you how to drive?
Chief Grizzly : Almost hit a squirrel
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[last lines]
Red : Mr. Flippers!
Nicky Flippers : I see you all got my message. Glad you could make it.
Granny : What's going on?
Nicky Flippers : Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me? I could use some fresh talent like you.
The Wolf : What kind of work are we talking about?
Nicky Flippers : You'd be under cover, on impossible missions, to far away places. There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens.
Red : "Happily Ever After Agency"?
Nicky Flippers : The woods don't go 'round by themselves.
Twitchy : [talking very fast] Yeah! Alright! Okay we fight the bad guys, we ride the ski boats, climb the walls, and swing the windows secret agent style. Right! Yeah!
Nicky Flippers : So what do you think?
Granny : Bring it honey!
Red : I always did like happy endings.
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Nicky Flippers : I wanna know more about this fellow with the axe. How does he fit into all this?
Det. Bill Stork : Maybe you should AXE him yourself! Ha ha ha ha haaa ha haaa! You-haha-see haa ha haaa! Axe-haaa ha ha! He he hee...
Chief Grizzly : [Stares blankly at Bill]
Det. Bill Stork : [glumly] I'll bring him in.
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Nicky Flippers : [talking to Granny] What are you hiding, old girl?
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Chief Grizzly : [to the Wolf, after he tells his side] You got a way to back this up?
Twitchy : [appears] I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!
Nicky Flippers : That so? Let's have a look...
[examines photos]
Nicky Flippers : Hmmm... these are good... Ha...
[shows picture of Wolf mounted in fish costume]
Nicky Flippers : Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.
The Wolf : Grrph...
Twitchy : I wanna do an expose' sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, 'course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a china tea/latte book.
Nicky Flippers : Photos don't lie, Chief.
The Wolf : Good work, Twitchy.
Chief Grizzly : Grrph!
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[first lines]
Nicky Flippers : [narrating] Red Riding Hood, you probably know the story.
[girl screaming]
Nicky Flippers : But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say, you can't judge a book by its cover. If you want to know the truth, you've gotta flip through the pages.
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Nicky Flippers : And bring in a police sketch artist. No, make it a cartoonist.