Hoodwinked! (2005)

David Ogden Stiers: Nicky Flippers

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nicky Flippers : [preparing to question Red, whose hands are still in cuffs]  What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists can slip right out. How about a cage?

  Det. Bill Stork : [on radio, eager]  Bring in the cage!

  Nicky Flippers : I was being sarcastic.

  Det. Bill Stork : [resigned, into radio]  Sarcasm. Strike the cage...

• Nicky Flippers : What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?

  The Wolf : I'm a shepherd.

• Nicky Flippers : It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.

  [walks past dog typing notes] 

  Nicky Flippers : Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.

  The Wolf : The Goody Bandit

  Nicky Flippers : That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.

  The Woodsman : Not my finger!

  [quickly puts index finger in mouth and starts sucking it] 

  Nicky Flippers : Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.

  [the Woodsman starts spluttering] 

  Nicky Flippers : Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?

  The Woodsman : But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?

  Nicky Flippers : Thats right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right Granny?

  Granny : Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.

  The Woodsman : Huh?

  Nicky Flippers : A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.

  Chief Grizzly : And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?

  Nicky Flippers : Or she could just be another victim... of a hungry Wolf

  The Wolf : Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.

  Nicky Flippers : Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?

  Chief Grizzly : Maybe he's not a wolf at all!

  The Wolf : You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.

  Chief Grizzly : Is this all just a big joke to you?

  The Wolf : I just followed the girl here.

  Granny : You leave my granddaughter alone!

  Nicky Flippers : Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run.

  [camera points to empty chair] 

  Nicky Flippers : Where is she anyway?

• Nicky Flippers : So! Mr. Wolf... May I call you Wolf?

  The Wolf : You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.

  Chief Grizzly : Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, SO START SINGIN'!

• Chief Grizzly : Am I gonna get to put the cuffs on someone or WHAT?

  Nicky Flippers : Ah, remember Ted, pieces of the puzzle make funny shapes, but they still fit together in the end.

  Chief Grizzly : Boy, you're just full o' those, aren'tcha?

• [Red has just explained how she escaped the Wolf] 

  Chief Grizzly : Yep, that settles it. We've got our bandit.

  Nicky Flippers : Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.

  Tommy : [oinks]  Chickens?

  Red Puckett : You've gotta admit, a wolf stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!

  Nicky Flippers : Yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.

  Tommy : [on radio]  Yeah Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?

  Bruce : Uh... the creepy one?

  Tommy : Yeah, better let him go.

  Nicky Flippers : [to Red]  So you went on to Granny's?

  Red Puckett : I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.

• Nicky Flippers : Well! Someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave.

• [Flippers has shown up uninvited] 

  Chief Grizzly : Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is *my* case!

  Nicky Flippers : Well, someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights, thought the circus was in town.

  [eyes the four detainees] 

  Nicky Flippers : Now of course, I see I was right.

  Chief Grizzly : Well you're too late, Nicky, I've got this case wrapped up nice and tight.

  Nicky Flippers : Is that right?

  Chief Grizzly : Yeah.

  Red Puckett : They've got this all wrong, Mr. Flippers.

  [Flippers turns to Red] 

  Nicky Flippers : Oh, I don't know. You look pretty dangerous to me. What's your name?

  Red Puckett : Red.

  Nicky Flippers : And why do they call you that?

  Red Puckett : Why do they call you "Flippers"?

  Nicky Flippers : [Cuts to Flippers on the dance floor at a disco club in a flashy white suit. As the crowd chants "Go Flippers!" in the background, he does a backflip and lands in a splitz]  Uh, no reason.

  Red Puckett : They call me "Red" because of this red hood I wear.

  Nicky Flippers : What about when you're not wearing it?

  [beat] 

  Red Puckett : I usually wear it.

• Granny : [Granny has just revealed that she is an extreme sports athlete]  Honey, don't look at your granny like that.

  Red Puckett : I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G! Or are you the Bandit?

  [beat] 

  Det. Bill Stork : Awkward!

  [awkwardly side slips his way out of the room] 

  Granny : You're being ridiculous, Red.

  Red Puckett : *I'm* being ridiculous? You're off living... La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills! And I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?

  Tommy : I, have a...

  Nicky Flippers : Coffee break, anyone?

  Chief Grizzly : Uh, yeah.

  Det. Bill Stork : Whose got my keys?

  Raccoon Jerry : You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?

  Chief Grizzly : Excuse us.

  [Everyone except Red and Granny files out of the room] 

  Granny : I thought you were happy.

  Red Puckett : Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?

  Granny : Of course you do. You're a Puckett.

  Red Puckett : [sighs]  I don't know what that means anymore.

• Nicky Flippers : [to The Woodsman]  I think it's safe to say that our thespian friend here knows the least about anything of anyone in this room.

• Nicky Flippers : [Twitchy runs across the road, causing Chief Grizzly to swerve before straightening up the car again]  Who taught you how to drive?

  Chief Grizzly : Almost hit a squirrel

• [last lines] 

  Red : Mr. Flippers!

  Nicky Flippers : I see you all got my message. Glad you could make it.

  Granny : What's going on?

  Nicky Flippers : Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me? I could use some fresh talent like you.

  The Wolf : What kind of work are we talking about?

  Nicky Flippers : You'd be under cover, on impossible missions, to far away places. There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens.

  Red : "Happily Ever After Agency"?

  Nicky Flippers : The woods don't go 'round by themselves.

  Twitchy : [talking very fast]  Yeah! Alright! Okay we fight the bad guys, we ride the ski boats, climb the walls, and swing the windows secret agent style. Right! Yeah!

  Nicky Flippers : So what do you think?

  Granny : Bring it honey!

  Red : I always did like happy endings.

• Nicky Flippers : I wanna know more about this fellow with the axe. How does he fit into all this?

  Det. Bill Stork : Maybe you should AXE him yourself! Ha ha ha ha haaa ha haaa! You-haha-see haa ha haaa! Axe-haaa ha ha! He he hee...

  Chief Grizzly : [Stares blankly at Bill] 

  Det. Bill Stork : [glumly]  I'll bring him in.

• Nicky Flippers : [talking to Granny]  What are you hiding, old girl?

• Chief Grizzly : [to the Wolf, after he tells his side]  You got a way to back this up?

  Twitchy : [appears]  I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!

  Nicky Flippers : That so? Let's have a look...

  [examines photos] 

  Nicky Flippers : Hmmm... these are good... Ha...

  [shows picture of Wolf mounted in fish costume] 

  Nicky Flippers : Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.

  The Wolf : Grrph...

  Twitchy : I wanna do an expose' sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, 'course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a china tea/latte book.

  Nicky Flippers : Photos don't lie, Chief.

  The Wolf : Good work, Twitchy.

  Chief Grizzly : Grrph!

• [first lines] 

  Nicky Flippers : [narrating]  Red Riding Hood, you probably know the story.

  [girl screaming] 

  Nicky Flippers : But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say, you can't judge a book by its cover. If you want to know the truth, you've gotta flip through the pages.

• Nicky Flippers : And bring in a police sketch artist. No, make it a cartoonist.