- Père Blaise: Ok, this is how it sounds "Chevaliers Perceval and Karadoc boldy boarded the boat, slew the giant serpent and were welcomed back to the village as heroes". How's that?
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Good.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: Except we didn't get on a boat.
- Père Blaise: What then?
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Nothing. We were at the edge of the lake. I just took off my boots.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: We had water up to our knees.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: And the giant serpent attacked you at the edge of the lake.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: Yes.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: In that much
- [about three feet]
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: water.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: Yes.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: How big was this giant serpent?
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: About this long
- [about two feet]
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: .
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: So basically you caught an eel.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: It's the smallest ones you have to watch out for.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: They're fast.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: The villagers welcomed you back as heros?
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: They're overrun by eels. Catching one does them a favour.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: You're not fish wardens!
- Père Blaise: So will you be going back?
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: It's a long way.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: 40 days to get there.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: The same to get back.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: The time you were away three months it was that?
- Père Blaise: I don't know how I'm gonna make this sound good.
- Merlin, enchanteur: Call up a pack of wolves? I'd like to but I warn you, if they turn on us and eat our butts don't come crying to me.
- Père Blaise: It mustn't be forgotten that without the Romans we'd be just a bunch of yokels wading around in the mud.
- [Arthur is confronted by certain Knights who reproach him for his obstinacy to refuse the practice of torture. He reads a parchment, hardly lending his ear to the words of his wife]
- Guenièvre: Today I had the rose bush in the rear courtyard pruned because it really needed it.
- [Arthur doesn't react]
- Guenièvre: Why don't you tell me about your day?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Wait, it takes time to appreciate yours, not too many emotions in one go!
- Bohort, chevalier: Sire! Don't go in there!
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Why not? It's the throne room.
- Bohort, chevalier: Atilla is in there! They say where he goes the grass doesn't grow back.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: There's no grass in the throne room.
- Guenièvre: [talking about her phobia of birds] I never said it was logical.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: You were right.
- Lancelot: How much is a polymorphie potion?
- Merlin, enchanteur: Depends. Who do you want to change into?
- Lancelot: A famous person.
- Merlin, enchanteur: I changed into Julius Cesar for a party once. I won't tell you about the evening, though.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: This table, it's called the "table of the cavaliers".
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: There was a guy who called it the "table of the two idiots" but I don't think he recognised us.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Sire, the reason we've summoned you here -
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Excuse me? You think you can summon me? I'm here because I choose to be.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: We've asked Karadoc to be here because he's an expert on bread.
- Guethenoc, peasant: An expert on bread?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Yes. So, Karadoc? What do you think of this one?
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: It's shit.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: And beware - in hierarchy, knights are above druids !
- Merlin, enchanteur: No.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: What, no?
- Merlin, enchanteur: Druids are above knights...
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Really? And if I ask you "please"?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: [to Guethenoc] I've never even spoken to your daughter!
- Madenn: Yes, you did at that village dance. You plucked a ladybird from my hair and asked if it was my sister.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Yeah!
- Lancelot: That's romantic!
- Guenièvre: It seems to me that we should have sides of pork for the visit of the Duc de Gorlais, it's less classy than game, though.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: My little nephew's a coppersmith. He can make me about 30 grails a day.
- [Venec is still boasting about his products]
- Venec: [showing small toothed pliers] This is part of what I call the travel range. When you are out and you don't want to carry all the other stuff around with you, you take this.
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: And that's for?
- Venec: You chop off a finger at the first phalanx.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Well, that's less vicious anyway.
- Bohort, chevalier: Less vicious?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Compared with everything else.
- Venec: It is progressive. One phalanx, another phalanx, if that does not work, you return to the first finger, you take out another phalanx... Anyway, it comes with a booklet which explains it all.
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: We can always take four or five of them, not a bad investment.
- Venec: There we go, the whole tour. There is also this...
- [brings out large shears]
- Venec: It is a beautiful tool, too.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: What do you cut with that?
- Venec: Whatever you like really, but it's rather for anything genital.
- Bohort, chevalier: Do you mind if I vomit?
- [Arthur is explaining to Guenièvre the workings of a curious utensil]
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: So you put this end into an orifice.
- Guenièvre: An orifice?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: There's a choice but classically, it is, it... Then, you prick the bottom of the rat with the needle - right, this is a stuffed rat but it is just to show you! - the rat goes into the orifice and eats everything.
- [Arthur smiles observing the effects of his talk on his wife, becomes as uncomfortable about it as her]
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Yeah. You're right. It's nicer just to talk about our days.
- [Arthur, his knights and Père Blaise are meeting at the round table]
- Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie: Sire, I'm trying to understand.
- Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse: We've succeeded in catching the cattle thief, but he refuses to tell us the name of his accomplice: what are we waiting for?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: What are we waiting for?
- [checking with Père Blaise]
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: He still doesn't want to talk?
- Père Blaise: Still not. He says that we get on his nerves.
- Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse: Even better.
- Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie: Who does he think we are, I ask you!
- Bohort, chevalier: What do you want us to do about it?
- Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse: We're not lacking in solutions.
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: It's true that it's curious, this not wanting to torture. Where does it come from?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: It comes from my home. There's no torture, that's all.
- Bohort, chevalier: It's good that.
- Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie: Yes, it's very good. Very modern.
- Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse: And while we're waiting the accomplice is getting away.
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: [to Arthur] Torture, it's not what you think! When it's done by a pro there's not a drop of blood.
- Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse: Just taking the tools out he cracks.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: And if he doesn't crack?
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: Ah well, then it's butchery!
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Oh, yeah, that reminds me. I need a chevalier for a mission of confidence.
- Lancelot: A chevalier worthy of confidence? Won't be easy. What's the mission?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: To watch over the queen while I'm away.
- Lancelot: Hmm.
- [thinks]
- Lancelot: Well, I'll do it.
- Séli, Guenièvre's mother: You know, the roof of your castle's falling apart.
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: She's an expert on carpentry now.
- Séli, Guenièvre's mother: I was sitting here at breakfast and a bird fell in my lap.
- Guenièvre: A bird?
- [runs out of the room in a panic]
- Séli, Guenièvre's mother: What did I say?
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: Something stupid.
- Centurion Caius Camilus: What haven't you nicked from the Greeks?
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: The costumes.
- Centurion Caius Camilus: Don't get me started on that, it'll finish badly.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: The little red skirts with bits of metal that's all roman.
- Centurion Caius Camilus: I've told you I can't stand the skirts but it's the standard uniform, I'm obliged.
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: It's impressive!
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Oh, yeah!
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: When the Ostrogoths see you coming, it really freaks them out.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Centurion Caius Camilus
- [Arthur and Léodagon sing a camp tune]
- Centurion Caius Camilus: That's not right what you're doing.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Only last week the king of Orcadie had the tongue and fingernails removed from a knight who spilt meat juice on his shoes.
- Bohort, chevalier: What has this to do with a ghost?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: You don't think I may be one of the milder kings?
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: If I sit you on one of my catapults and aim at the Colosseum I like my chances.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Oh, no. I hate this habit of bringing breakfast up to bed.
- Angharad, Guenièvre's maid: I don't like it either. Madame has no idea how much work we have.
- Guenièvre: It happens like that in Rome.
- Angharad, Guenièvre's maid: In Rome, the houses are flat. Servants don't have to lug trays up six flights of stairs.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: Ah, this inn's the best place to be.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: [to the hooded figure at the table] Hey, there's a free table over there you know.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: [the figure lowers his hood - it's Arthur] Sire! What are you doing here?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: And you, you bunch of idiots?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: [Arthur is questioning Lancelot about his conduct towards the Queen in the King's absence] So, when you're alone with the Queen, do you talk about me or not?
- [pause]
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: You don't want to answer.
- Lancelot: I'm trying to decide, sire, which would make you more angry.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Either really.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: It was a good idea that. To give them one of your cows.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: I don't have cows.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: What? Where are you going to get one from then?
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: I thought maybe Kaamelott could give them a cow.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Kaamelott is not a bovine collective, we don't have any!
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: Oops.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Have you, er... Did you, er... ever take a vow of celibacy?
- Lancelot: Pardon?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Just a question.
- Lancelot: Soon, sire, you will have proof that I did not take a vow of celibacy.
- Lancelot: The reason we've called you here is that we have a serious problem.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Excalibur has been stolen.
- Venec: Excalibur? Your magic sword?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Exactly.
- Venec: So you called me here because I'm the chief thief?
- Lancelot: That's right.
- Venec: Well, let me have a look
- [brings out a diary]
- Venec: Yeah, yeah, they were my guys.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: You told them to steal Excalibur?
- Venec: I told them to steal stuff, I didn't specify Excalibur!
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Do you know Seigneur Karadoc?
- Guethenoc, peasant: Of course. He's the only member of the court who buys paté by the pound. If everyone did that, there'd never be an unhappy peasant again!
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: It's true that from a military point of view, weaponary and military strategy, it's not the best. We can say that.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: I'm not saying anything.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: However, if it concerns food-
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: There, expert. Prince of the fork, except he eats with his fingers.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: I fear no-one.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Anyway. We've asked him here to taste your bread.
- Guethenoc, peasant: I also fear no-one.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: I'll start.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Go ahead.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: Which one?
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: The classic.
- Guethenoc, peasant: Wheat and rye, it's what I sell most of.
- [Karadoc tries a piece]
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Well?
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: It's crap.
- Guethenoc, peasant: What? This is your expert?
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: Karadoc, try not to be so categoric.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Try to develop it a bit.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: There's nothing to develop. It's crap that's all. If they served me this in an inn the innkeeper would get a quiche in his face.
- Guethenoc, peasant: You who are impartial, sire, you try it.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Oh no, I know this one.
- Guethenoc, peasant: Taste it.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Nothing doing.
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: With paté it's not magic but alone I feel like I'm eating my shoes.
- Bohort, chevalier: If only the king had your strength of character.
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: What with his sword that lights up, his Merlin who does nothing and his lady of the lake who takes herself for a trout, the only thing the king of Britain is missing is a trapeze act.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: I don't know what you had to eat before you hit the sack, Bohort, but you've had what is commonly known as a bad dream.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: My father wasn't dishevelled. He had a stupid haircut but it was rather flat and secondly, he wasn't vaporous.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: How do you explain that I didn't hear the screams?
- Bohort, chevalier: You were asleep.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Precisely.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: [Lancelot has just returned from a meeting with the King and Père Blaise to assess his heroic activities during the past week] How did it go?
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Are they happy?
- Lancelot: I didn't have much this week. I saved an old man and his two sons from a forest fire.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: And the King wasn't impressed?
- Lancelot: He's used to better from me.
- Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes: Well that's all right, he's used to nothing at all from us.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: And you never confess?
- Le Répurgateur: Me? No! It's for the Church! When it's for the Church, you see, it's all right. That's it. That's the system...
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Even burning?
- Le Répurgateur: Yes. Even so! Burning is so beautiful!
- Angharad, Guenièvre's maid: What would I be without you ? A miserable wretch...
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Yes, indeed!
- Angharad, Guenièvre's maid: You know, I don't cling to you because I am desperate. I'd like to ask you something. It may sound a bit daring but I must know.
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Go on...
- Angharad, Guenièvre's maid: I'd like to be certain that you feel the same than I do. Lord Perceval, do you, like me, live a romance?
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: I don't know that word!
- Angharad, Guenièvre's maid: Do you mean that our feelings diverge?
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Yes, indeed!
- Guenièvre: Say. Isn't today your training with the maître d'armes?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: [half asleep] I don't know. I don't remember what day it is.
- The Maître d'Armes: [from outside] Ha ha! I'm waiting for you, your Majesty. Unless you want me to tell everyone you're nothing but a big queer who pisses in his armour at the thought of fighting.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: [without opening his eyes] Yeah, I think it's today.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Who's next to complain?
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: I don't know, I don't know the register by heart.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Oh come on, I like to have a rough idea of who's here to complain.
- Léodagan, roi de Carmélide: What difference does it make? We sit there looking like we're listening, we say that's dreadful but there's nothing we can do about it and in an hour we break for a bite to eat. Don't really need a register.
- [both shrug]
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: You're not going to play it during the meeting are you?
- Perceval, chevalier du pays de Galles: Lord Dagonet brought it back from Judea. He says it's typical.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: It's the round table, not a craft fair.
- Demetra: Where's your wife at the moment?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: Rome.
- Demetra: Do you miss her?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: [thinks for a moment] No.
- Demetra: You've been with me for three nights now.
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: You've had enough?
- Demetra: No. But the queen. Doesn't she mind it?
- Arthur, roi de Bretagne: No. Apparently after three days with you I'm relaxed and amiable.
- Demetra: That makes sense. After three days with her you're annoying and aggressive.