Dylan Moran: Monster (2004 Video)

Dylan Moran: Self

Quotes 

• Dylan Moran : What a lovely day. The trees are singing, the birds are swaying.

• Dylan Moran : [on religion]  So I respect all the differences, y'know, but I will say that if you believe in any of it, you're a moron. Because, the thing is, to me, it really is just people talking about their imaginary friend. At length.

• Dylan Moran : Yes! Yes! Yes! I control sandwichmonkey!

• Dylan Moran : I kind of have limited sympathy with people who get messed up by heroine because you would think by *now* some of them would've heard something bad about it. People might say, 'Yeah, it's very buzzy; but it can give you a bit of a gippy tummy.'

• Dylan Moran : And then there's the Eastern religions that people are discovering more and more now. You know, like Zen and so on... which I've always found kind of hard to penetrate. Y'know, the stories are dense. The parables are fairly Gnomic. They say two monks were walking over a bridge and the cherry blossoms are falling all around them, and one of them says, 'You know - I'm very thirsty.' And the other one says, 'Yes, but I'm quite tall.' Did I miss something?

• Dylan Moran : Even *that* has become something that's much harder to enjoy. Just eating! Because it's become fetishized by this idea of lifestyle, y'know? The cookery programs that everybody watches are ridiculous. And, so are the house programs. You do not *need* a fish tank in the atrium that you haven't got. And people come in there and they feel under pressure to perform in their *lives*! Who has the time? Who has the time to skin the baby rabbit and dip it in the duck's tears and nail it to the garden roof and get to work with the blow torch so that it has just the right texture, so that it matches the tomatoes you've squashed that morning using just your elbows? Who... has the time. Nobody lives like this! We go around thinking everybody *else* does, y'know? Because what happens is that you come home from work and you think, maybe - at most, if you're getting very adventurous you will think, 'Tonight! We will eat something that has *two* colors in it.' But you don't. You end up sitting in front of the television, watching these programs, eating bread *from* the bag... dipping it in anything runnier than bread. Because their isn't time! There is no time for this horse shit.

• Dylan Moran : [concerning a song called Funk Soul Brother]  I'm not saying it's a bad song, y'know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that you could get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, and put the other end up my arse, and stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.