Destroy All Humans! (2005 Video Game)

J. Grant Albrecht: Cryptosporidium, G-Man 1, Urban Crazy, Urban Male

Quotes 

• Silhouette : Fool... do you think America is the only civilization on this planet?

  Cryptosporidium : Well, all the Americans seem to think so. At least, the ones I scanned.

• Cryptosporidium : [referring to the Majestic and the army]  If any of those monkeys lay one hairy finger on me, I'll rip 'em a new asshole!

• [in reference to a cow] 

  Cryptosporidium : But they're covered with nipples!

• [Crypto is attempting to communicate with a cow] 

  Cryptosporidium : [to himself]  They eat with their mouths? Ugh! I think I'm going to be violently ill!

  [he then speaks to the cow] 

  Cryptosporidium : Attention, Earth creature. This planet is now part of the Furon Empire. Your benevolent masters welcome you.

  Cow : Moooooooooooo.

  Cryptosporidium : At this time, we wish to abduct you for the purpose of scientific research. The procedure will be protracted and invasive. Do you have any objections?

  Cow : MOOOOOOOOOOO.

  Cryptosporidium : Earth creature, I am addressing you! Respond or be vaporized!

  [cow unloads its bowels] 

  Cryptosporidium : I don't care how many stomachs you have, I don't have time for this!

• Silhouette : Credit is where credit's due, you defeated my beautiful Robo-Prez and I bet right now you're fantasizing about "destroying all the humans". Typical. Sure, you handled the boys: Armquist, Huffman... Ooh, that was a challenge.

  [laughs] 

  Silhouette : But everybody knows which sex dominates *this* planet, and there's plenty of time to get your asses handed to you. That is, if you're not afraid to fight a girl.

  Cryptosporidium : No, no, I'm not hung up on the whole pudenda thing.

  Silhouette : So come on, Crypto. Let's dance. I'll even let you lead. I'm at the Octagon; don't keep me waiting.

• Majestic Agent 1 : Subliminal TV messages. What will Majestic think of next?

  Majestic Agent 2 : Search me.

  Majestic Agent 1 : Do you have any idea what a rhetorical question is?

  Majestic Agent 2 : Nope, not a clue.

• Majestic Agent 2 : Attention space freak. You have ten seconds to drop the weapons and hypnotise yourself into a coma. 10... 9... 8... 7654321 hot damn! Fire!

• Cryptosporidium : [to Orthopox]  You're a smart cookie. But there's a time for thought and a time for action! And this is one of those times!

  Orthopox : Which?

  Cryptosporidium : The second one!

• Cryptosporidium : [to Orthopox]  What's shakin', Pox? You look a little... what's the word... constipated.

• Cryptosporidium : Don't get mad, get sadistic.

• [if a mission is failed] 

  Orthopox : Crypto!

  Cryptosporidium : [agitated]  What?

• [Silhouette is revealed to be a female] 

  Cryptosporidium : You're a *chick*?

  Silhouette : I'm a patriot. If you had to put up with politicians playing grab-ass all day long, you'd wear a mask, too.

  Cryptosporidium : Me, I get my kicks the old-fashioned way: beatin' up bad monkeys.

  Silhouette : Funny. That's what Crypto-136 said. Of course, he was "a real cut-up", too.

• Orthopox : This human "Whither" says the President will appear before his subjects today. This "President" must be more integral to their social society than I expected. I have noticed a significant increase of activity surrounding the White House.

  Cryptosporidium : Right, just tell me where he is and what he looks like.

  Orthopox : I... er... the mothership's tracking system is broken. I think he uses those convoys of long black vehicles for transit.

  Cryptosporidium : You think?

  Orthopox : I can't exactly pinpoint the President from orbit, Crypto. It's not as if he walks around with a big red arrow over his head. I need you follow those vehicles so we can identify him!

• Cryptosporidium : [disguised]  Aren't you jumping the gun here Armquist? That fire could have been started by rowdy teenagers. I did as much or worse in my day.

  Head of the Marines : He's right General. Kids these days lack discipline, but they're not Communists. I think you're making too big a deal out of this.

• Cryptosporidium : So, waving the white flag, huh? All the monkeys got together, scratched their heads, accepted the inevitable?

  Silhouette : That sense of humor, just like your...

  Cryptosporidium : Like my what?

  Silhouette : Er, file. Your dossier, Crypto; Said you were quite the joker.

  Cryptosporidium : I think I never told you my name.

  Silhouette : No, I suppose I have your brother to thank for that.

• Majestic Agent 2 : Did you see what I saw?

  Majestic Agent 1 : You bet your sweet ass I did. What did you see?

  Majestic Agent 2 : Little green man in a flying saucer wiping out the best infantry unit in the U.S. Army.

  Majestic Agent 1 : Right. Good. Me, too. Green, not gray?

  Majestic Agent 2 : Don't be a stiff. Do you know what it means?

  Majestic Agent 1 : Absolutely. What?

  Majestic Agent 2 : It means the papers got it right for once. Get on the horn to Silhouette. We've got the worst case scenario.

• Cryptosporidium : Man, I love the smell of presidential brains in the morning.

  Orthopox : Just shut up and remember who set that presidential foetus of destruction upon you!

  Cryptosporidium : Riiight...

  Orthopox : You know who I mean.

  Cryptosporidium : Oh, that Silhouette guy, right? Or chick?

  Orthopox : Would you do me a favor and NOT creep me out?

  Cryptosporidium : Sure.

• Cryptosporidium : A Cryptosporidium captured by a bunch of monkeys! We gotta go in, we gotta crack some craniums. I've gotta rescue me - him - he's gotta rescue me - I mean we gotta - I gotta - brains, man - WHEN DO I GET TO BLOW THINGS UP?

• Urban Crazy : The end is nigh! Really, really nigh!

• Silhouette : You're probably watching... gloating.

  Cryptosporidium : Pretty much.

  Orthopox : It seems only fair.

• Suburban Crazy : Pardon my impertinence but uh, are you an alien?

  Cryptosporidium : How'd ya guess?

  Suburban Crazy : Oh my prayers have been answered! On behalf of all the nations of the Earth let me welcome you, brother from another planet!

  Cryptosporidium : Thanks, it means a lot to me.

  Orthopox : Enough chit chat! Where is Bert Whither,crackpot human?

  Suburban Crazy : You want Bert Whither? I'll take you to him.

  Cryptosporidium : Perfect.

• Farmer's Wife : [seeing Crypto]  Aaagh! Little green space men!

  Cryptosporidium : I am not green.

• Worker 1 : L-L-Little green men!

  Cryptosporidium : Not again! Colorblind morons.

  [he aims his disintegrator ray gun at the worker] 

  Cryptosporidium : Die, pea-brain!

  [but the gun doesn't work] 

  Cryptosporidium : Hey, where's the... What did you do with my clip, monkey boy?

  Worker 1 : Phew!

  Cryptosporidium : So much for wholesale carnage. I guess I'll just have to settle for ripping your limbs off one by one with my bare hands, until I find it. With my bare hands!

  Worker 1 : AAAAAAAAAAGH!

• General Armquist : So you didn't want to destroy us?

  Cryptosporidium : No, we were as scared as you. Deep in our hearts I think we wanted to be just like you.

  General Armquist : I guess... at the end of the day we really are just... human beings.

  Cryptosporidium : Psyche!

  [he shoots Armquist] 

• Orthopox : Now that their President is dead, the human senators are voting for a new President and the vote is agonisingly close!

  Cryptosporidium : Doesn't the Vice President automatically become President?

  Orthopox : Just shut up and kill those senators before they get to the Capitol!

• Orthopox : Oh no, they're at the main gate again!

  Cryptosporidium : What's the good news?

  Orthopox : Er... this time they're more heavily armed?

  Cryptosporidium : Oh goody...

• Orthopox : [to Crypto]  Shall I tell you a secret? Few of our people know this, but the DNA patterns in our cloning banks are becomming more and more degraded with each new clone.

  Cryptosporidium : That's bad, right?

  Orthopox : Only if we want to attain our immortality through cloning. OF COURSE IT'S BAD!

• Orthopox : Now, Crypto, to ensure this invasion runs smoothly it is imperative we identify the dominant life forms on this world. Those lactating bovoids are likely candidates.

  Cryptosporidium : Surely you don't mean those foul-smelling gasbags beyond the fence?

  Orthopox : Yes, I'm afraid I do.

  Cryptosporidium : But they're covered in nipples!

• Cryptosporidium : Snack time!

• Cryptosporidium : It's probin' time!

• Cryptosporidium : Silhouette, I presume. You don't look like a general.

  Silhouette : You don't look like a little green man.

  Cryptosporidium : *Thank* you.

• Orthopox : Alright Crypto. I've analyzed the data that you've collected, and I've found the perfect candidate for you to...

  Cryptosporidium : Probe and vaporize?

  Orthopox : No, abduct and bring back to the mothership.

  Cryptosporidium : My way's more fun.

  Orthopox : Abduct. Not vaporize.

  Cryptosporidium : Okay, but humanity ain't gonna annihilate itself, all I'm saying.

  Orthopox : Can I finish?

  Cryptosporidium : Can I stop you?

• Orthopox : I've sent Crypto-136 in search of a planet we visited many eons ago. A planet seeded with Furon DNA. But I lost contact.

  Cryptosporidium : Let me get this straight: you sent me... er, him... Crypto-136 to a "hostile planet", and he's disappeared. Maybe captured. Maybe even being tortured as we speak.

  Orthopox : Well, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

  Cryptosporidium : I bet you wouldn't.

• [Crypto has defeated Silhouette] 

  Silhouette : [weakly]  You BEAT me... I can't... believe... you actually... BEAT me!

  Cryptosporidium : They never do. You know, you don't look so hot.

  Silhouette : Majestic will... never give up... the struggle... to RESIST... YOU... ALIEN... FREAKS!

  Cryptosporidium : Struggle's over, babe. Furons: one; humans: zipperooni.

• Cryptosporidium : [discovering that the crashed UFO is gone]  The monkeys must've hitched the ship up to their donkeys and dragged it back to their mud village so they could worship it as a god.

• Cryptosporidium : Attention, humans: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire...

  [steps on Silhouette's face] 

  Cryptosporidium : Resist THIS.

• Majestic Agent 2 : Polly wanna goddamn cracker?

• Orthopox : [Crypto has bent all of the television antennae]  Cross your pods. Here we go. Beginning transmission...

  [the antennae start to shake] 

  Orthopox : Furon signal downlink successful! Oh, this is smashing! All right, I'm increasing the power...

  [the antennae now shake very fast and more violently] 

  Orthopox : Wait! Crypto! The signal is too strong! Humans are weak! Their minds can't take that kind of amplitude! Quickly, Crypto, you've got to bend the antennae before they...

  [suddenly, the humans' heads all explode] 

  Orthopox : Oh, that has to hurt. Eww. Disgusting!

  [the humans' heads continue to explode] 

  Orthopox : Crypto? Crypto! Where did you go?

  Cryptosporidium : [running down a street as the screen goes black]  Snack time!

• Majestic Agent 2 : The truth is right here, biotch