Transformers (2007)

John Turturro: Agent Simmons

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Quotes 

• Agent Simmons : [looks at a Nokia phone]  Ooh. Nokias are real nasty. You've gotta respect the Japanese. They know the way of the samurai...

  Maggie Madsen : Nokia's from Finland.

  Keller : Yes, but he's, you know, a little strange. He's a little strange.

• Agent Simmons : Last night at the station, you told the officer your car transformed. Enlighten me.

  Sam Witwicky : Well, here's what I said, okay? 'Cause this is a total misunderstanding that my car had been stolen...

  Agent Simmons : Really?

  Sam Witwicky : ...from me, from my home, but it's fine now because it's back! It came back!

  Mikaela : Well, not by itself.

  Sam Witwicky : Well, no.

  Mikaela : Because cars don't do that because that would be crazy.

  [everyone laughs] 

  Agent Simmons : So what do you kids know about aliens, huh?

  [laughing stops] 

• Agent Simmons : Ronald Wikity?

  Ron Witwicky : It's Witwicky. Who are you?

  Agent Simmons : We're the government. Sector Seven.

  Ron Witwicky : Never heard of it.

  Agent Simmons : Never will.

• Captain Lennox : [points a gun at Simmons]  Take him to his car!

  [a standoff ensues between the Special Forces and Sector 7] 

  Tom Banachek : Whoa whoa whoa...

  Agent Simmons : Drop your weapon, solider. There's an alien war going on and you're gonna shot me?

  Captain Lennox : You know, we didn't ask to be here.

  Agent Simmons : I'm ordering you under S-Seven executive jurisdiction...

  USAF Tech Sergeant Epps : S-7 don't exist!

  Captain Lennox : Right, and we don't take orders from people that don't exist.

  Agent Simmons : I'm gonna count to five, okay...

  Captain Lennox : Well, I'm gonna count to three.

  [cocks his gun] 

• Sam Witwicky : Where's my car?

  Tom Banachek : Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here. We need to know everything you know, and we need to know it right now.

  Sam Witwicky : Okay... But first I'll take my car, my parents - maybe you should write that down. Oh, and her juvie record. That's gotta be gone. Like, forever.

  Tom Banachek : [exhales]  Come with me. We'll talk about your car.

  Mikaela : [to Sam]  Thank you.

  Sam Witwicky : Sure.

  Agent Simmons : [deep sigh]  The man's an extortionist.

• Agent Simmons : [staring at Optimus Prime]  Hi, there.

  Optimus Prime : You don't seem afraid. Are you not surprised to see us?

  Agent Simmons : Look, there are certain rules I have to abide by. I'm not authorized to communicate with you except... to say I can't communicate with you...

  Optimus Prime : Get out of the car.

  Agent Simmons : Right. Uh, me? You want me to...?

  Optimus Prime : Now!

• Agent Simmons : What you're about to see is totally classified...

  [Project Iceman is reveled: a towering mechanical clossus, imprisoned in a cryogenic chamber] 

  Keller : Dear God... what is this?

  Tom Banachek : We think that when he made his approach over the North Pole our gravitation field screwed up his telemetry and crashed into the ice, probably a few thousand years ago. We shipped him here to this facility in 1934.

  Agent Simmons : We call him NBE-1.

  Sam Witwicky : I don't mean to correct you on all that you think you know, but that's Megatron. He's the leader of the Decepticons.

  Tom Banachek : He's been in cryo-stasis since 1935. Your great-great-grandfather made one of the greatest discoveries in the history of mankind.

  Agent Simmons : Fact is, you're looking at the source of the modern age. The microchip, lasers, cars, space flight: all reverse-engineered by studying him. NBE-1...

  [glares at Sam] 

  Agent Simmons : That's what we call IT!

  Keller : And you didn't think that the United States Military might need to know that you're keeping a hostile alien robot frozen in the basement?

  Tom Banachek : Until these events we had no credible threats to national security.

  Keller : Well, you got one now!

• Agent Simmons : Mean little sucker, huh?

  Maggie Madsen : That thing is freaky!

  Agent Simmons : Kinda like the itty-bitty Energizer Bunny from hell, huh?

• [Epps and Glen stare at the gashes in the All Spark chamber] 

  USAF Tech Sergeant Epps : What's that? Freddy Krueger been up in here or something?

  Glen Whitmann : Oh, no, man. Freddy Krueger have four blades, man. That's only three. That's Wolverine!

  [growls and laughs] 

  Glen Whitmann : Right? That's Wolverine!

  Agent Simmons : [in a serious tone]  That's very funny.

• Agent Simmons : She's a criminal. And criminals are HOT!

• [Bumblebee pours oil over Agent Simmons] 

  Agent Simmons : HEY! HEEYYY!

  Optimus Prime : Bumblebee, stop lubricating the man!

  Agent Simmons : GET THAT THING TO STOP, HUH?

• Agent Simmons : [holding up a badge]  You see this? This is a "Do whatever I want and get away with it" badge!

• Agent Simmons : I'm gonna lock you up forever!

  Mikaela : [to Sam]  Oh God, you know what? Don't listen to him, he's just pissy because he has to get back to guarding the mall.

  Agent Simmons : You in the training bra, do not test me!

• Keller : Simmons?

  Agent Simmons : Yes, sir?

  Keller : I'd do what he says. Losing's really not an option for these guys.

  Agent Simmons : All right, okay! Hey, you want to lay the fate of the world on the kid's Camaro? That's cool.

• Agent Simmons : [to the Special Ops team]  All right, you've all had direct contact with the NBEs...

  Captain Lennox : NBEs?

  Agent Simmons : Non-Biological Extraterrestrials. Try to keep up with the acronyms.

• Sam Witwicky : What is Sector 7? Answer me!

  Agent Simmons : I ask the questions round here, not you, young man!

  Mikaela : All right, how did you know about the aliens?

  Sam Witwicky : Where did you take my parents?

  Agent Simmons : I am not at liberty to discuss...

  [Sam snatches his badge away] 

  Agent Simmons : Hey, you touch me, that's a federal offense!

  Sam Witwicky : [holding it up]  "Do whatever you want and get away with it" badge, right?

  Agent Simmons : Brave now, all of a sudden with his big alien friends standing over there.

• Bumblebee : [through his radio]  "Message from Starfleet, Captain... Let's get to it!"

  Captain Lennox : He's right. If we stay here, we're screwed with Megatron in the other hanger. Mission City is 22 miles away. We're going to sneak that Cube out of here and hide it somewhere in the city.

  Keller : Good, right!

  Captain Lennox : But we cannot make a stand without the Air Force.

  Keller : This place must have some sort of radio link.

  Agent Simmons : Yes!

  Keller : Shortwave, CV...

  Agent Simmons : Right, yes!

  Captain Lennox : [to Keller]  Sir, you're going to have to find some way to get word out to them... Let's move!

• Ron Witwicky : You're not taking my son.

  Agent Simmons : Really? You gonna get rough with us?

  Ron Witwicky : No, but I'm gonna call the cops because there's something fishy going on around here.

  Agent Simmons : Yeah. There's something a little fishy about you, your son, your little Taco Bell dog and this whole operation you got going on here.

  Ron Witwicky : What operation?

  Agent Simmons : That is what we are gonna find out.

• [Simmons, Keller, Maggie and Glenn test a radio to see if it still operates] 

  Agent Simmons : [finding success]  We're hot! We're live!

  Glen Whitmann : Where are the mics?

  Agent Simmons : [freezes]  ... Mics?

  Glen Whitmann : This doesn't work without mics, Simmons!

  Agent Simmons : No, no, no, no, no!

• Agent Simmons : Get out of the way, get out of the way!

  [raises a flamethrower and torches Frenzy] 

  Agent Simmons : BURN, YOU LITTLE SUCKER, BURN!

• Agent Simmons : Anything's possible!