The Heartbreak Kid (2007)
Ben Stiller: Eddie
Photos
Quotes
-
Eddie Cantrow : This is my dad.
Lila : Oh, hi Dad.
Doc : Nice to meet you, Lila.
Lila : How do you know my name?
Doc : Okay, cat's out of the bag. My son found your panties on the sidewalk and we've been talking about you all week. Eddie, give her back her undies.
-
10 Year Old Girl : Are you like a widow or something?
Eddie Cantrow : Yeah, I'm a widow. Yeah.
10 Year Old Girl : Sorry.
12 Year Old Twin : He's full of it. He's gay.
Eddie Cantrow : No. I'm not gay.
12 Year Old Twin : Let's play 5 in 5 then.
Eddie Cantrow : What is that?
12 Year Old Twin : It's where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you're telling the truth, then you shouldn't have to think.
Eddie Cantrow : [shrugs] Yeah, I don't wanna play your game, sorry.
12 Year Old Twin : Quick - how'd your wife die?
Eddie Cantrow : Murdered.
12 Year Old Twin : How?
Eddie Cantrow : Icepick.
12 Year Old Twin : They get the guy?
Eddie Cantrow : Yeah.
12 Year Old Twin : What was his name?
Eddie Cantrow : Ronald.
12 Year Old Twin : Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?
Eddie Cantrow : Brad Pitt.
12 Year Old Twin , 12 Year Old Twin : [point and laugh victoriously]
Eddie Cantrow : No no, no, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise...
-
Doc : So, what's new Eddie? Anything exciting?
Eddie Cantrow : Ah, yeah, we just got those new Nike Sasquatch drivers in the store, so that's been kind of cool.
Doc : Let me rephrase the question. You been crushin' any pussy?
-
Eddie : I think there's been a mistake, 'cuz I'm at table 34, but that's the kids table.
Wedding Coordinator : Oh, oh, that's not the kids table, that's the singles table. Enjoy...
-
Lila : I wouldn't change a darn thing because it made me who I am today, and do you know who I am today?
Eddie Cantrow : Who are you.
Lila : I'm Mrs. Edmond Cantrow.
Eddie Cantrow : Edward.
Lila : Edward? You didn't tell me that!
-
Eddie Cantrow : [to the 12 Year Old Twins] You know what? Why don't you take your little Human Genome Project and hit the road. Homophobic hobbits.
-
Eddie Cantrow : You're in debt? What kind of debt?
Lila : You know, the kind where you owe a lot of money to people.
-
Eddie Cantrow : I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond.
Buzz : Oh, you're too much. Really?
Eddie Cantrow : Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed me down and -
[growls]
Eddie Cantrow : [everyone stops laughing]
Eddie Cantrow : It was not pretty.
[pause]
Gayla : Did you file charges?
Eddie Cantrow : No, I...
Miranda : He was making a joke, Gayla.
Deborah : About anal rape...?
-
Eddie Cantrow : Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?
Tito : Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?
Eddie Cantrow : Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.
Tito : I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.
Eddie Cantrow : Oh.
Tito : Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.
-
Tito : Eddie, What are you doing?
Eddie Cantrow : I'm just hanging with my brother, My brother Manuel.
Tito : Eddie, People are looking for you ah! Your father keeps calling, And The Mac is trying to track you down. And what I supposed to tell the American girl... The... Miranda? What do I tell her?
Eddie Cantrow : Miranda?
Tito : Yes, Her family flew home, But she didn't! And she's been everywhere searching for you!
Eddie Cantrow : [With a smile] She Has?
Tito : [laughing] Screw off! I'm joking man! That chick run for the hills! You should seen your face! You were so happy for a moment, You were like ha! I can't believe I got you again!
-
Eddie Cantrow : Oh, excuse me.
Flamboyant Man : Yeah.
Eddie Cantrow : Hey, are you running this whole thing?
Flamboyant Man : Oh. Sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he's the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.
Eddie Cantrow : No, no. I didn't - I didn't mean that.
Flamboyant Man : Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.
[the obviously gay wedding coordinator walks up to them]
Wedding Coordinator : [in a sing-song voice] Did I hear someone say "wedding coordinator"? That would be *moi*!
[simpering]
Wedding Coordinator : How can I help you?
[after a pause, the flamboyant man simply walks away]
-
Eddie Cantrow : Hey. Listen, Tito, I need you to do me a big, big favor.
Tito : 300 pesos.
Eddie Cantrow : You don't even know what it is yet.
Tito : It is something nasty, or you would be doing it yourself.
Eddie Cantrow : All right, fine.
-
[last lines]
Eddie Cantrow : Fuck me.
-
Eddie Cantrow : [about Lila] She doesn't have a great sense of humor.
Doc : Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...
Mac : Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out.
