Stargate: Atlantis (2004–2009)

Joe Flanigan: Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, Major John Sheppard, Lt. Col. John Sheppard, Detective John Sheppard

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Quotes 

• [Sheppard is giving McKay flying lessons, and they get into an argument] 

  Maj. John Sheppard : This is why parents get someone else to teach their kids how to drive.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : I'm both insulted and touched by that.

• Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : How could something as big as Atlantis just sink?

  Maj. John Sheppard : I'm sure the passengers on the Titanic were asking themselves the same thing.

• [Sheppard and McKay whisper while spying on a Wraith in disguise] 

  Maj. John Sheppard : That's her!

  Dr. Rodney McKay : That's the Wraith?

  Maj. John Sheppard : Yeah.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Wow... She's hot! I mean seriously hot!

  Maj. John Sheppard : Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith!

  Dr. Rodney McKay : I know, I... disgust myself sometimes.

• Carson Beckett M. D. : [a parasite has attached itself to Sheppard's neck, paralyzing him]  I'm told you have something of a cling-on.

  Maj. John Sheppard : That's funny.

• Maj. John Sheppard : [the sensors have discovered a powerful energy field]  You think it's worth checking out?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilization.

  Maj. John Sheppard : So... you think it's worth checking out?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : [sarcastically]  I'm sorry. Yes. Energy field good.

• Ronon Dex : [after Sheppard shows him some of the guns used on the base]  I still prefer this.

  [Ronon draws his own gun and blasts a large hole through one of the targets] 

  Maj. John Sheppard : [surprised]  I can see why you would.

• [Dr. McKay is wearing an Ancient personal force field generator] 

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.

  Maj. John Sheppard : [Smug]  I shot him.

  [Dr. Weir gives him "the look"] 

  Maj. John Sheppard : In the leg!

  Dr. Rodney McKay : I'm invulnerable!

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : [Smug]  In-vul-nerable!

• Maj. John Sheppard : [to Ronon Dex, who is struggling to escape his bonds]  Take it easy, Chewie - you're gonna cut your damned hands off.

• Maj. John Sheppard : [after being chased by an alien drone]  That was different.

  General Jack O'Neill USAF : For me... not so much.

• Maj. John Sheppard : Without inertial dampening, we'd be hit by so many g's, our eyes would pop, our skin would pull away from our faces, our brains would squish up to the back our skulls, and our internal organs would be crushed into these chairs. What about that sandwich?

• Dr. Rodney McKay : I'm not crazy. I just have another consciousness in my brain.

  Maj. John Sheppard : So he just looks crazy.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : I'm sure I do, but only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid over here was in way over his head!

• Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : We're heading towards a food shortage.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : [Mouth full]  I know, it's getting desperate. I'm almost out of coffee.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Well, maybe you should stop drinking eleven cups a day.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : I'm just making sure I'm getting my fair share before it's all gone.

  Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : Sounds fair.

• Teyla Emmagan : Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Certain countries, yes.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Do we need to get into this right now?

• Maj. John Sheppard : How's it coming, Rodney?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.

• [Teyla, Sheppard, Dex, McKay and the prisoner Eldon approach their grounded puddle jumper and some prisoners waiting to ambush them in the episode "Condemned"] 

  Maj. John Sheppard : At least we've got the element of surprise.

  Ronon Dex : I was beginning to think you were afraid to fight.

  Maj. John Sheppard : I'm just naturally lazy, but I will if I have to - and it's starting to look like we have to.

• Maj. John Sheppard : Just out of political curiosity, how much trouble is it gonna cause you if I knock this Woolsey guy in the head?

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : May I ask why you'd like to do that?

  Maj. John Sheppard : It's just an impulse, really, one I suspect I'm gonna have again next time I see him. He may not even have to say anything.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : I've never seen you like this. What did Woolsey say to you?

  Maj. John Sheppard : Besides judging every damned decision you've ever made?

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : [amused]  John Sheppard, are you defending my honor?

  Maj. John Sheppard : [pauses]  And judging me for agreeing with you.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : Well, don't be too hard on him. I think of all the circling wolves, he's the least likely to actually bite. In fact, he might even convince the others to leave us alone.

  Maj. John Sheppard : [sits down, more calmly]  All right, so, no head knocking.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : [smiling slightly]  It's the thought that counts.

• Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : The city can handle that?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Yes. Theoretically.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Like "dinosaurs turned into birds" theoretically or "theory of relativity" theoretically?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : [looks confused]  What? Um, somewhere between.

• Dr. Rodney McKay : I'm picking up a strange reading from right over there.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Define strange.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : [pause]  You don't know what strange means?

• Carson Beckett M. D. : We still have no idea how it works, but during the Wraith feeding process, the victim is injected with a special enzyme. It strengthens the human body temporarily and ensures that the heart continues to beat.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Why would they wanna make you stronger?

  Carson Beckett M. D. : So the victim doesn't die immediately. The feeding process is so traumatic, without the special enzyme, we shut down far sooner than they like.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : They make you stronger so they can take more time to kill you.

  Carson Beckett M. D. : Lovely, isn't it?

• [Sheppard and McKay have gotten lost finding their way back to the Genii's village] 

  Dr. Rodney McKay : They were very clear which route to take.

  Maj. John Sheppard : I prefer a straight line...

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Yes, of course, cause everything's a short cut in Sheppard's world.

• [after being beamed aboard form the maximum limit of the beaming technology] 

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : Are you all right?

  Maj. John Sheppard : Two arms, ten fingers... I'll check the rest later.

• Ronon Dex : Well, eventually I will get free and when I do, he's gonna pay for this.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Now listen to me. When you get free, you get us free and we all get out of here. Let 'em find out we're gone after we're gone.

  Ronon Dex : You're expecting me to let them get away with this?

  Maj. John Sheppard : The operative words are "get away".

  Ronon Dex : After I kill them.

  Maj. John Sheppard : That type of thinking will get us killed.

  Ronon Dex : Well, if you had returned fire...

  Maj. John Sheppard : The weapons systems were damaged.

  Ronon Dex : If you say so.

  Maj. John Sheppard : I do say so, and right now I'm saying knock it off.

  Ronon Dex : Is that an order, Sheppard?

  Maj. John Sheppard : I am beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to. But if you need it to be, yeah - it's an order.

  Ronon Dex : Okay.

• Maj. John Sheppard : This is what I do when I have problems with my laptop, I turn it off and then I... turn it on again.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : I think this is a little bit more complicated than that.

  Maj. John Sheppard : I'm just saying that if we're taking a page from the John Sheppard book of computer repair, we're really desperate.

• Dr. Rodney McKay : Seriously, am I the only one creeped out by that guy?

  Maj. John Sheppard : They're politicians, Rodney - they're all creepy.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Margaret Thatcher wasn't creepy. OK - well, maybe a little. In fact, she was like an aunt of mine - same hairstyle, facial structure, only my aunt was much taller, and remarkably hirsute. Oddest thing: she had to shave twice a day.

• [the team need to disable the grounding stations around the city] 

  Maj. John Sheppard : Wait a second, are these things even close to a transporter?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Uh... yes. Elizabeth's is.

  Maj. John Sheppard : And mine?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : It's a brisk walk away.

  Maj. John Sheppard : And by "brisk" you mean "far"?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : [nods]  And by "walk" I mean "run".

• Commander Acastus Kolya : [over radio]  Major Sheppard, how's this for credibility? Weir's dead.

  Maj. John Sheppard : I am going to kill you.

• Maj. John Sheppard : [over radio]  Weir's alive?

  Commander Acastus Kolya : Dr. McKay was able to make a convincing argument for keeping her around.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Let me talk to her!

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : Sheppard! We're both here.

  Maj. John Sheppard : [relieved]  It's good to hear your voice.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : Yeah. It's good to hear.

• Maj. John Sheppard : You know, Rodney, you were great back there. Wanna take the stick?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Really?

  Maj. John Sheppard : No.

• Maj. John Sheppard : Have you ever tried to clear a stump by hand?

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : Yes, it's a hobby.

• Maj. John Sheppard : [while being shot at]  You know, this is not a good way to make new friends!

• Magistrate : Where do you come from?

  Maj. John Sheppard : Until recently, uh, Atlantis.

  Magistrate : The ancestral city.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Yeah. Unfortunately it was destroyed by the Wraith a short time ago.

  Magistrate : How tragic.

  Maj. John Sheppard : [deadpan]  Yeah, we're pretty broken up about it.

• Maj. John Sheppard : Well, leave it to convicts to know the best way to tie people up.

• Maj. John Sheppard : "Get as far away from the nuclear explosion as possible." That's good advice, Rodney, thanks.

• Dr. Rodney McKay : Well, assuming that we're still alive, and there doesn't appear to be any damage as a result of the pulse, I think we can safely conclude that, uh... um...

  [long pause] 

  Dr. Rodney McKay : I got nothing. I mean I've got nothing to conclude, I was just... talking for the sake of talking.

  Maj. John Sheppard : You sure you're ok?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : You know how much I hate certain death?

• Maj. John Sheppard : [the team is looking for signs of the Wraith]  Rodney?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : I've got something here.

  Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : Really?

  Dr. Rodney McKay : I dunno. I got a little...

  [trails off while walking away] 

  Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : You've got a little what?

  [grinning] 

  Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : Hey, McKay, you've got a little what?

  [Sheppard looks at him] 

  Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : What?

  [Sheppard gives him a dirty look and follows McKay] 

  Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : Oh, it's okay when you guys make fun of me.

• Maj. John Sheppard : [referring to Wraith bite]  So, how am I doing?

  [not getting a response] 

  Maj. John Sheppard : Anything that's got you speechless has me worried.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : You're going to be fine.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Well, that's "dead man" talk.

• [about an adolescent Wraith] 

  Maj. John Sheppard : So it's a teenage things. Pimples, rebellion, life sucking.

  Carson Beckett M. D. : Something like that.

• Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : It's huge.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Define huge.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Fifteen million square miles. Give or take.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : That would make it approximately the size of, uh... I have no idea, but it sounds huge.

• Maj. John Sheppard : There's plenty of time to solve this thing, but you got to stop using your mouth and start using your brain!

• Cowen : Please, stay as our guests. There will be a harvest ceremony later.

  Teyla Emmagan : Wonderful.

  Maj. John Sheppard : Ford?

  Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : Sir?

  Maj. John Sheppard : We're talking harvest ceremony.

  Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : [pause]  Sounds like fun, sir.

• Dr. Rodney McKay : You have no idea which way to go, do you?

  Maj. John Sheppard : Just trying to get my bearings.

  Dr. Rodney McKay : Translation: "I'm lost. "

• Commander Acastus Kolya : You killed two of my men!

  Maj. John Sheppard : I guess we're even!

  Commander Acastus Kolya : I don't like 'even'!

• Commander Acastus Kolya : My name is Commander Kolya.

  Maj. John Sheppard : "Kolya", that's a difficult name to pronounce. Is that a first name or a last name?

• Maj. John Sheppard : Hi, folks. I hope I didn't crash-land on anybody.

• Maj. John Sheppard : "You're going to be fine"? "Beckett'll figure this out"? You really suck at the whole "bedside manner" thing.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : I know. I'm sorry.

  Maj. John Sheppard : But I appreciate the effort.

• Maj. John Sheppard : [handing over item wrapped in cloth]  Happy birthday.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : [opens gift]  It's beautiful. How'd you find out?

  Maj. John Sheppard : Mum's the word.

• Maj. John Sheppard : [Sheppard and soldiers beam down from Deadelus]  Secure Stargate Operations.

  [looks around the Gate room] 

  Maj. John Sheppard : Well, I'm home.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : [John turns to see Elizabeth approaching. Suddenly she hugs him for several moments then releases him looking relieved]  Yes. You are. I truly thought...

  Maj. John Sheppard : Yeah, yeah. I thought the same thing about you a minute ago. We gotta stop that.

  Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D. : [chuckles]  I'd like that.

  Maj. John Sheppard : [sounding flustered]  So, uh, where are we?

• Cowen : [during negotiations]  We will need more than you offer.

  Maj. John Sheppard : More?

  Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC : I don't think you understand how cool this medicine is.