Reno 911! (2003– )

Niecy Nash: Deputy Raineesha Williams, T.T.

Photos 

Quotes 

• Deputy Williams : A healthy baby is worth $10-20,000 on the internet, even if it's Chinese.

• Deputy Clementine Johnson : [after a suspect drives off with a police car]  We are screwed! We are screwed!

  Deputy Williams : We gonna say he tried to rape us. We gonna lie, we gonna say he tried to rape us. He attacked us.

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : He took it out.

  Deputy Williams : He tried to...

  [looks at the camera] 

  Deputy Williams : Give us the tape.

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : Hand over the tape.

  [the cameraman runs away] 

  Deputy Williams : Give us that tape!

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : I will cut you!

• Deputy Williams : [Williams is telling the DA who has been using the n word]  Dangle, Junior, Wiegel... even Garcia. And you know who surprised me the most? Dangle! I mean, he a fag! And he calling everybody a nigger!

• Deputy Williams : [in the locker room]  The women on the force, have to get alone. I mean, we're the minorities. We got to stick together, sisterhood, girl power, all that jazz.

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [to the camera]  Rainesha Williams... is a loudmouth, backstabbing... Jew. I wanna say Jew, but I think she's in fact very openly Catholic, which I have a problem with, too.

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : [in the locker room]  I had a saying before I came to work here that feminism is bullshit. But I feel a sisterhood with these special, special people.

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : [to the camera]  Officer Johnson... is a whore.

• Deputy Williams : I am planning a bachlorette party for you.

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : Strippers.

  Deputy Williams : You have a preference? Black, white?

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : I like them all. I like black, I like white... I like black. Just don't get me any Pacific Islanders. I don't "get" them.

• Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Okay, Officer Garcia. God has asked me to speak to you because you are lost. You are lost.

  Deputy Williams : He is evil.

  Reverend Gigg LeCarp : We're hearing it even from the choir! You are lost and evil.

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : And he's a loser!

  Reverend Gigg LeCarp : You are lost, evil, and a loser. Come on, everyone, what are thing that we just don't like about Officer Garcia?

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : He's a Mexican!

• Reverend Gigg LeCarp : [the gang are all in a cell, and Rev LeCarp is yelling at Garcia for beating him 10 years ago]  You motherfucker! You cocksucker! You kicked the shit out of me!

  [Points to his false teeth] 

  Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Look at these teeth! Look at it! Aw, fuck you! Fucking rot in hell, cocksucker!

  [He goes out of the cell and locks it] 

  Reverend Gigg LeCarp : What are you gonna do now, Garica, huh?

  [Leaves] 

  Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Payback's a bitch! You kicked the shit out of me!

  Lt. Jim Dangle : [Trying to open the door]  The door's locked.

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : We're probably in a, in a commercial break.

  Deputy Travis Junior : He's flipping us the bird outside right now.

  [LeCarp does flip everyone off as he runs away] 

  Lt. Jim Dangle : When's the new jailer getting here?

  Deputy Travis Junior : Tuesday. Three day weekend.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Aw... we had to do this on a Friday.

  Deputy Trudy Wiegel : I got even worse news for everyone, I have to take a Number Two.

  [Everyone yells in protest] 

  Deputy Williams : You gonna hold it in like the rest of us!

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Number One's only! Number One's only!

• [repeated line] 

  Deputy Williams : White people are crazy.

• [Jones and Dangle are playing a Halloween prank where Jones pretends to be dead. As Jones lies on a slab, all the others except for Wiegel are mourning him] 

  Deputy James Garcia : Jones... I'm gonna miss you Jones. I'm gonna miss you man.

  [Jones jumps up and scares everyone. He and Dangle laugh while everyone else yells in surprise and anger] 

  Deputy James Garcia : That is not funny! That is not funny! You son of a bitch, Goddammit!

  Deputy Williams : I cannot believe that you did this!

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : Shh, Wiegel's coming, Wiegel's coming!

  Deputy James Garcia : [pause]  Let's do it again!

• Deputy S. Jones : [everyone other than Jones appears to be dead in a shootout]  Guys... guys?

  Kenny Rogers : [waking up in his bed]  Oh! Oh God!

  Lt. Jim Dangle : [waking up next to Rogers]  Whoa! Are you Kenny Rogers?

  Kenny Rogers : Yeah.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Are you dreaming this or am I dreaming this?

  Kenny Rogers : [slaps Dangle]  Did that hurt?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Not really.

  Kenny Rogers : Oh God, oh God.

  Deputy James Garcia : [waking up in the office]  Whoa!

  Deputy S. Jones : Were you having that gayass Kenny Rogers dream again?

  Deputy James Garcia : What Kenny Rogers dream?

  Deputy Williams : The one you have all the time!

  Deputy James Garcia : I don't dream about Kenny Rogers... I don't know what the hell you're...

  Deputy S. Jones : [gently]  Jimmy... get some help.

• Deputy S. Jones : [points to himself and Deputy Williams]  Why are we on this side of the table and everyone us else over there?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : CPT

  Deputy Travis Junior : CPT

  Deputy S. Jones : What?

  Deputy Williams : What? Excuse me? What's CPT?

  Deputy Travis Junior : CPT - Colored People Time. We're the first one's here and take these seats.

  Lt. Jim Dangle : Colored People Time, everyone knows what that means.

  Deputy Williams : What?

  Lt. Jim Dangle : I'm sorry, that was wrong of me to say. I thought you've heard of that before. It's easy to say and it just, it just came out - CPT.

  Deputy S. Jones : Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being colored and for being a person and for being on my time.

  Deputy Travis Junior : Apology accepted, Jones.

• Deputy Williams : Let him that hath known himself unto thine truth walk therein. Huh. That's in the Bible.

• Deputy Clementine Johnson : You caught me. I work in a rat fuck. So I don't care. Go blab it all over the whole fucking station.

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : Why do you do this?

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : Because I need the money.

  Deputy Williams : How much do you pull in a night?

  Deputy Clementine Johnson : I walk away with about $300 a night, $500 if there's a convention.

  Deputy Clementine Johnson , Deputy Williams : [while pouring tequila down a guy's throat]  Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yiiiiiiii!

• Mike Powers : Officer Williams, would you mind removing your hat please?

  Deputy Williams : I keep a Kleenex under there because it sticks to my forehead.

• Deputy James Garcia : I cannot believe that we don't have nothin' in common.

  Deputy James Garcia : Well, believe it because I'm smart and you're not.

  Deputy Williams : You owe Rainessha an apology.

  Deputy James Garcia : I hate people who talk about themselves in the third person, you're right here why do you have to talk about yourself like that? To remind yourself you're alive?