Fun with Dick and Jane (2005)

Alec Baldwin: Jack McCallister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dick Harper : [holding McCallister at gunpoint]  I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed because of you, and I'm not leaving here without your money.

  Jack McCallister : What are you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form?

  Dick Harper : Write me a check.

  Jack McCallister : You are kidding me.

  Jane Harper : Dick, it's not going to do us any good. He's just going to cancel it the minute we walk out of here.

  Dick Harper : [eyes watering, getting emotional]  I don't care... I don't care. I'm not walking out of this bank empty-handed.

  Jack McCallister : ...Alright. Alright, Dick, I'm gonna write you a check. I'm gonna need my hand back though.

  Dick Harper : Gladly.

  [releases grip] 

  Jack McCallister : Alright, yes sir, I'm gonna write you that check, and what's more I'm not gonna cancel it as soon as I leave the bank because I think it takes alotta cojones to do what you two have done here today, and I admire that. So, here you go. Just a little something to show you what I think you're worth.

  [hands him a check for $100] 

  Jack McCallister : Y'all take care now.

  [McCallister leaves; Jane approaches a dejected Dick tenderly] 

  Jane Harper : Honey... sweetie... give me the squirt gun.

  Dick Harper : [not looking at her]  Do you still have McCallister's form?

  Jane Harper : Yeah, why?

  [Dick looks up at her holding McCallister's check] 

  Dick Harper : Because I just got his signature.

  [He holds up a fountain pen] 

  Dick Harper : Weren't you an art major?

  [Jane realizes that, just like McCallister, she's been had by Dick] 

  Jane Harper : [quietly excited]  Dick Harper! I was completely fooled! I didn't know you could act!

  Dick Harper : Hon. In 10th grade, I played Biff in "Death of a Salesman". See how I got my eyes all watering up? Yes, sir. It's all right there.

• Jack McCallister : [shoots at a duck]  Did I get him?

  Jack's Assistant : [Shoots his gun]  Now you did.

• Jack McCallister : Dick Harper, Dick Harper, Dick Harper playing the harp. Harpo Marx playing the Jews harp.*DH*, DH! You're my Designated Hitter!