Rock Me, Baby (2003–2004)

Carl Anthony Payne II: Carl

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Jimmy and Carl wake up spooning] 

  Carl : How much beer did we drink?

  Jimmy : Is my hand on your ass?

  Carl : Yes.

  Jimmy : Too much!

• Carl : How do you like your steak?

  Jimmy : Like I like my Childhood Mutism: very rare.

• Jimmy : You're putting beer in Otis' bottles.

  Carl : Hey, you're the one who named him after the town drunk from Mayberry.

• Jimmy : Dude, being a dad changes you. I mean, every time I look down at this little guy I realize that he needs me to take care of him. I've never loved anything so much.

  Carl : Wow, sounds like being a dad changes you--into a woman.

• Carl : Man, I hate it when strippers talk about their kids.

• Carl : Hey, I found this new sports bar where we can watch the game. It's kinda like Hooters only it's for butts. It's called Assies.

• Jimmy : You're still my partner and my best buddy and I-and I'm watching the Broncos with you.

  Carl : What about your new gay friend?

  Jimmy : I'll blow him off. God, I hope this mic isn't on.

• Jimmy : All gay guys are cool.

  Carl : Hey, I thought all Black guys were cool.

  Jimmy : No, not since the '80s. Urkel screwed that up for you.

• Jimmy : I'm a dad. I can't be doing drugs anymore.

  Carl : Apparently you don't watch The Osbournes.

• Jimmy : Smell my breath. Does it smell like pot?

  Carl : No. Smells like feet and ass.

  Kevin : Here, I've got some minty breath spray. My breath smells like ass too, but not the good kind.

• [Jimmy smokes pot but doesn't tell Beth] 

  Carl : As Johnnie Cochran would say, "If you take a hit, you must omit."

• Carl : Jimmy was just telling me he's gonna get some life insurance. Kind of a Ward Cleaver thing to do, isn't it, Jimmy?

  Jimmy : Well, Carl, it is my job to protect the Beaver.

• [Jimmy takes out a million-dollar insurance policy on himself] 

  Jimmy : Yeah, I want Beth to be taken care of but, you know, I don't wanna give her too much incentive to have me whacked.

  Carl : Man, for a million dollars, I'd whack ya.

  Jimmy : OK, when you say "whack", you mean "kill", right?

  Carl : Either way.

• Jimmy : There probably are a lot of jobs that are tougher than being a mom. What about those guys that have to clean out the port-o-johns from outdoor rock concerts?

  Carl : I've been in those things. I don't think that job exists.

• Carl : You took your baby to a cop movie? That's like taking your mother to a porno.

• Carl : You over here talkin' about me? Cause my ears are burnin'.

  Pam : Must be the Aqua Velva.

• Carl : I wouldn't be so quick to dis me if I were you, Pam.

  Pam : You know what, Carl? You're right. I'll dis you more slowly. Goooooo awaayyyy!

• Carl : I could use a little eye candy in my picture.

  Pam : Well, I'm sorry, Carl, but you're gonna have to find some other eye candy... 'cause ya ain't gonna lick me.

• [Otis gives Carl pinkeye] 

  Carl : I wake up this morning with my eye glued to my pillow because you and Beth chose not to inform us that Otis was the host-monkey.

• Carl : That's just great. Great. Seven-hour car ride with a baby. Pop in a John Tesh CD and I'm in hell.

• Carl : To me, kids are like musicals.

  Jimmy : Oh yeah? How's that?

  Carl : I don't like 'em.

• Jimmy : I'm pathetic? You own a blowup doll.

  Carl : Hey, I told you it's not a blowup doll. It's an action figure.

  Jimmy : So, you seen any action lately?

• Jimmy : Yeah, well having a wife and child is the most rewarding thing a man can do with his life.

  Carl : You know she's not here, right?

  Jimmy : Yeah, but you never know when they're gonna sneak up behind ya.

• Jimmy : Yeah, the wife meeting the old girlfriend, isn't that in The Bad Idea Hall of Fame?

  Carl : It's right up there next to mesh condoms.

• Carl : So is this the place you hung out when you used to dress like Boy George?

  Jimmy : That was once, all right, for a Halloween party. And I'd appreciate it if you would take the picture off of your screensaver.

• Jimmy : You know somethin', Carl? The times, they are a-changin'.

  Carl : Mmm, that's hard to believe when you're quoting a 40-year-old song.

• Carl : It's time for us to take a break here on The Core, so if you're in your car, take a minute and pick your nose and pretend no one can see ya.

• Carl : Where'd you get the sweater? I mean, did Bill Cosby throw up on you?

• Pam : You know, you're not that bad when you're looking me in the eyes and not the sweater.

  Carl : You know what? I'm glad you brought that up cause I gotta know. Are they real or, uh, contacts?

  Pam : Oh, they're definitely real. My vision is 36-24-36.

• Carl : Does everybody in Morocco eat with their hands or did this place run out of silverware?

• Carl : Hey, you - you have a webcam in your bedroom?

  Pam : Yeah, I call it the Hot Pam Cam... dot org... dot gasm.

• Carl : Remember the last time we did a radio-thon, right? Mention a pizza place on air, pizza shows up. Mention a bar, boom, beer shows up. This year, I'm thinking big. I'm going for some clothes, jewelry, home-theater system...

• Jimmy : Carl, listen, you're gonna have to pretend that this radio-thon is gonna be torture, Ok?

  Carl : Why?

  Jimmy : Because, man, look I could be the jackhole trying to escape my wife and kid for a few days, or I could be the nice guy forced to sleep on a rooftop for charity. All right? Which one of those guys do you think gets sympathy sex?

• Carl : Well, we define commitment differently, y'know. I call her "my girlfriend", she calls me "Carl".

• [Jimmy awakens Pam by pulling a sleeping bag off of her, thinking she's Carl] 

  Pam : What? You touch my butt once and you come back for seconds?

  Carl : Did he grab your butt? Cause he grabbed mine earlier. What's up with you and Black booty?

• [Carl and Pam have sex on a rooftop] 

  Carl : So listen, what we did up here tonight, right, qualifies us for the, uh, 800-Foot-High Club.

  Pam : Yeah, but I'm already a member--since 1992.