Rock Me, Baby (2003–2004)

Bianca Kajlich: Beth Cox

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jimmy : It's been 10 weeks since Otis was born and you combine that with the last nine weeks of pregnancy and we haven't done it in almost five months. I miss it in there.

  Beth : I know, it's just... Well, last time it was in there for nine months and it kinda trashed the place.

  Jimmy : OK, fair enough. Any other vacancies in the building?

• [Jimmy wants to have sex] 

  Jimmy : I'll take care of him until midnight, even though I get up at four, if you just take one for the team.

  Beth : Take one for the team?

  Jimmy : Yeah. Yeah, you know, like when a baseball player gets hit by a pitch on purpose. It doesn't feel good but you do it for the team.

• Kate : They're dying to see you and your new boobs.

  Beth : They are pretty awesome, aren't they?

  Kate : Yeah. I hate babies but I'm thinkin' about gettin' knocked up just to get a pair.

• Beth : OK, so I left CPR instructions on the counter right next to the number for poison control.

  Jimmy : Poison control? You think I'm gonna poison him?

  Beth : No! But if you do, the number's on the counter.

• Beth : You've seen how tired I am. Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a chore.

  Jimmy : Oh, so sex is a chore now?

  Beth : Well you did put it on my to-do list.

  Jimmy : Yeah, and I'm still waitin' for you to do me.

• Beth : We need parent friends. If we had friends with babies, we'd know how they do it.

  Jimmy : Honey, I know how they do it. Same as we did: busted condom.

• Pam : Can you see my nipples in this picture?

  Beth : Nope. No nippage.

  Pam : Damn! I gotta get these reshot. It's for the cover of my demo CD and the title is "Caught in the Headlights!"

• Beth : This is just my "I had no idea you were gay" look.

• Beth : I'm sorry, you just didn't seem... the type.

  Steve : Why, because I don't have six-pack abs? You know, pudgy guys like having sex with men too.

• Pam : It's me, Pam. Open the door, it's an emergency!

  Beth : What's the matter?

  Pam : I'm hungry!

• Pam : I was meetin' a blind date for dinner tonight but there was a problem.

  Beth : What was the problem?

  Pam : He was ugly. And I'm not blind!

• Beth : Did you sleep with any hookers or kill anyone?

  Jimmy : Oh, you got me. I slept with a hooker and then I killed her. And just for fun, I kicked a puppy.

• Pam : Guys are always askin', "How many guys have you been with before me? Be honest." And then you tell'em 28 and suddenly they start lookin at you different.

  Beth : 28?

  Pam : Imagine if I'd told the truth!

• Pam : Why do women start saying things like "diapee" and "poopie" after they have a kid?

  Beth : Sounds better than "feces" and "pee-catcher".

• Beth : I'm a terrible mother!

  Pam : See, that's why I take the pill twice a day. I'm goin to take a bonus one right now.

• Beth : I'm not angry.

  Jimmy : Damn! I was hopin' for make-up sex.

• Beth : You'll find another job.

  Jimmy : Beth, once you've blown chunks in a chopper, there's not a lot of places to go.

• Pam : Beth, you're the boss, and as the boss, it's your job to make him think that he's the boss.

  Beth : What the hell are you talking about?

  Pam : I don't know. I saw it on "Who's the Boss?"

• Beth : So you're sure you're OK with me sticking my nose in your business?

  Jimmy : Oh, yeah! Yeah, I love that... Oh, you mean *business* business.

• Beth : We could have a dinner party. Like, with real grownup conversation and we could finally use our crystal and china and linen napkins. And we'll make a gourmet meal...

  Jimmy : And Jello shots.

  Beth : Yes!

• Beth : It's just like Thanksgiving.

  Jimmy : Yeah, well, it would be if my grandpa were here, all drunk, talking about those dang homosectionals.

• Beth : Otis has a runny nose.

  Jimmy : Is it green or clear? Oh God! You know, I can't believe how much we talk about this boy's bodily fluids. It's like he's a tiny Bill Clinton.

• Mandy : I'm a dancer.

  Beth : Oooh, what kind of dance?

  Mandy : Well, I have a degree from the University of Arizona in modern dance and jazz, but now mostly I do lap.

• Beth : We have no friends.

  Jimmy : Yeah but, baby, you gotta look at the big picture. We also have no life.

• Beth : I mean, I know he's just a baby but do you think maybe sometimes he cries just to piss us off?

  Jimmy : Of course. Do you think it's an accident that he cries every time we try to have sex?

• Jimmy : Look, honey, when his show first came to Denver, instead of calling me "Jimmy Cox", he called me "Jimmy No Cox". All right, I've been trying to come up with a nickname for him for years.

  Beth : How 'bout Danny Bonadouchebag?

• Man on TV : Ms. Wilson, come in here and take some... dictation.

  Beth : Wow! Naked people and clever wordplay. It's like the Frasier of porn.

• Beth : Is this the most retarded argument we've ever had?

  Jimmy : No, that would be the time that we argued about whether or not Batman and Robin are gay.

  Beth : They totally are!

  Jimmy : You know what? I don't even wanna go there again.

• Beth : ...we didn't have sex on our anniversary.

  Pam : Really? Well, even I had sex on your anniversary.

• Beth : What happened to your finger?

  Jimmy : Ah, I hurt it playin' with Carl.

  Beth : Did he pull too hard?

• Beth : I am not jealous.

  Jimmy : Yes, you are. Cause that's the same look I get when I watch you eating a popsicle.

• Jimmy : Don't you ever fantasize about someone else when you're makin' love to me?

  Beth : *No*!

  Jimmy : I see. Clearly I did not know that or I would not have asked the question.

• Beth : Oh, come on, Otis, it's strained peas and squash. How can you not like this?

  Pam : Four words: "strained peas and squash".

• Beth : How could you dump her? She's perfect!

  Jimmy : Hey, you're the one that wanted to come here.

  Beth : OK, the correct answer was, "No, she's not!"

• Jimmy : I thought we were done fighting.

  Beth : No, I walked into the bedroom. You were supposed to follow me...

  Jimmy : I'm sorry but when an angry bear walks away, you don't follow it.

• Beth : Look at these teeny tiny little sneakers. Oh, and this tiny little hat. Oh, how come teeny tiny things are always so cute?

  Pam : They're not all cute. Some of them are just inadequate.

• Beth : Oh, look at this crib and it's 25% off.

  Pam : Hey, why don't they make these things for adults? So many places to attach handcuffs.

  Beth : Pam, could you clean up your act? We are in a baby store.

  Pam : I know! How come they have to make everything in here so sexual?

• Beth : I've got a surprise for you.

  Jimmy : Oh no! No, last time you said that you had just finished peeing on a stick.

• [Otis' first night in his own room] 

  Jimmy : Honey, look, you've already checked on him six times tonight.

  Beth : I just wanna make sure he's OK.

  Jimmy : OK. OK, maybe you should. 'Cause he's probably climbed out of his crib, crawled down the block, and reached the Things That Can Lodge in Your Throat store.

• Beth : Jimmy does his hair at, like, the speed of evolution.

• Jimmy : Okay, I'm gonna share a painful memory from my childhood.

  Beth : Oh, is this about when your mother found you "discovering yourself?"

  Jimmy : Thank you for making this such a safe environment in which to share.

• Beth : You know how Ben and J-Lo are called "Bennifer"? Maybe we could name Pam and Carl "Ca-Pam".

• Beth : Oh, shoot! I forgot to tell them that they're both lactose intolerant. You know, that's the kind of mutual struggle that brings people together.

• Beth : Grandma, have you been drinking?

  Grandma : Of course not! You know I never hit the sauce when I'm on duty.

  Beth : Well, then who's been drinking this whiskey?

  Grandma : Oh, that! I gave it to Otis.

• Beth : There's a freezer full of ice to rub on Otis' gums if he gets fussy from the teething.

  Grandma : Ice, gotcha, cause that'll come in handy if he wants something on the rocks.

• Beth : Ca-Pam had to cancel. She's got a stomach virus.

  Jimmy : Oh, man, I hope I don't get it. You know, I think I saw her lick her fingers before she grabbed my testicles... Sheep testicles. It's a Moroccan dish. Goes great with cow brains.

  Grandma : And you think whiskey on the gums is peculiar?

• Jimmy : All right, since your parents are coming, I did the standard pre-parent sweep. Which means if you're looking for your "neck massager", it's under the bed.

  Beth : Aren't you excited?

  Jimmy : No. Doesn't work on my "neck".

• Pam : I'll stay here with Otie. You two go.

  Beth : Pam, I can't leave you with a sick baby.

  Pam : I know, but I had to pretend to offer.

• Beth : It's no problem.

  Jimmy : OK, all right, I'm gonna agree with you because history shows that's my best chance for some sweet, sweet lovin'.

• Beth : You know, it's like she's avoiding Otis on purpose, like he's the baby equivalent of jury duty.

• Monty : Ah, I lost something, Beth. I'm gonna go out and try to find it.

  Beth : What?

  Monty : My will to live.

• Beth : So what do you guys think? This place has the best sushi in Denver.

  Ginger : Yeah, it's nice... But at Red Lobster they cook the fish. I know it takes a little more time, but I think it's worth the effort.

• Jimmy : Who are those people?

  Beth : I'll tell you who they are: interlopers.

  Jimmy : OK, honey, some of us went to community college. Use words I can understand.

• Beth : At times like this, I wish I were a guy.

  Pam : Yeah, I wish I was a guy too... cause then I'd find out what it's like to have sex with me.

• [Beth walks in pushing Otis in a carriage] 

  Beth : I walked all over Denver trying to get him asleep. If you make a noise, I'll shoot you.

  Jimmy : Wouldn't a gun make a noise?

  Beth : I'll get a silencer.

  Jimmy : It'll still make that little "phtttt".

• Pam : You think Otis is gonna wake up with all this noise in here?

  Beth : Oh, not a chance. He'll save that for the exact moment I fall asleep tonight.

• Beth : Y'know, I miss Jimmy. Last night is the first time he's been away from me and Otis. It was strange not seeing him come home from work with his usual greeting: "Who's that new guy coming out of Pam's apartment?"

• Pam : He's not my boyfriend.

  Beth : Oh, really? Don't you date him? Accept gifts from him? Sleep with him every night?

  Pam : Yes.

  Beth : Well, then, what does that make him?

  Pam : Lucky!

• Beth : OK, if we are going to tame the wild booty monster inside of you, then we have to do a "flirt intervention". The first step is to recognize that you cannot flirt your way through life.

  Pam : What are you talking about? I just flirt socially... on weekends... at parties... Oh, it doesn't hurt anyone.

• Beth : Have you ever flirted while you were alone?

  Pam : Well, once in a while I look in the mirror... Well, it's not my fault. I'm cute, dammit!

• Beth : Now, do you remember when you started flirting?

  Pam : Yes. I was five. Little Timmy Johnson had this toy truck. I didn't want the truck, but I wanted him to give me the truck. So I batted my eyes and I told him how fine he looked in that sandbox. Well the next thing you know, I had his truck, all his action figures and the keys to his big wheel. From then on I was hooked.

• Beth : You're weak! You're a nobody! You're nothing!

  Pam : What are you doing?

  Beth : Breaking ya down so we can build you back up.

  Pam : All right, fine. But when you build me back up, can you add a few inches to my bustline?

• Beth : He uses my body for nine months like it's an all-you-can-eat salad bar at Sizzler and his first word is "Da-Da".

  Pam : Well maybe he wasn't saying "Da-Da". Maybe he was lookin at me and sayin, "D- damn, Pam's fine".

• Jimmy : What are you two doing in bed together?

  Beth : Pam spent the night. We were having a girls' night.

  Jimmy : Define "girls' night".

  Beth : It's not what you're thinking.

  Jimmy : So you guys aren't gonna put on nurses uniforms and have a pillow fight on a trampoline?

  Beth : No, we did that earlier... just after we washed cars in our bikinis in slow-motion.