Rock Me, Baby (2003–2004)

Dan Cortese: Jimmy Cox

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jimmy : It's been 10 weeks since Otis was born and you combine that with the last nine weeks of pregnancy and we haven't done it in almost five months. I miss it in there.

  Beth : I know, it's just... Well, last time it was in there for nine months and it kinda trashed the place.

  Jimmy : OK, fair enough. Any other vacancies in the building?

• [Jimmy and Carl wake up spooning] 

  Carl : How much beer did we drink?

  Jimmy : Is my hand on your ass?

  Carl : Yes.

  Jimmy : Too much!

• Carl : How do you like your steak?

  Jimmy : Like I like my Childhood Mutism: very rare.

• [Jimmy wants to have sex] 

  Jimmy : I'll take care of him until midnight, even though I get up at four, if you just take one for the team.

  Beth : Take one for the team?

  Jimmy : Yeah. Yeah, you know, like when a baseball player gets hit by a pitch on purpose. It doesn't feel good but you do it for the team.

• Jimmy : Thanks a lot, Otis. You know, when you're 18 and about to get some, I'm gonna pee on you.

• Boyle : You know what it means when a morning D.J. yawns on the air?

  Jimmy : Yeah, he's tired.

  Boyle : No, he's dead. The only thing that makes people change their stations faster is four in a row by Kenny G.

• Boyle : I told you, there's no room for kids in morning radio. They make you lose your edge. That's why I never had kids.

  Jimmy : Really? I thought it was because no one would do you... I'm sorry... I mean for free.

• Jimmy : Before your wife has the baby she is a sex machine. Ok, after the baby is born, the ol' sex machine shuts down for a while and, uh... Well, you gotta use the hand crank.

• Beth : OK, so I left CPR instructions on the counter right next to the number for poison control.

  Jimmy : Poison control? You think I'm gonna poison him?

  Beth : No! But if you do, the number's on the counter.

• Jimmy : You're putting beer in Otis' bottles.

  Carl : Hey, you're the one who named him after the town drunk from Mayberry.

• Jimmy : Dude, you just drank breast milk. That's Beth.

  Kevin : Got Beth?

• Jimmy : Dude, being a dad changes you. I mean, every time I look down at this little guy I realize that he needs me to take care of him. I've never loved anything so much.

  Carl : Wow, sounds like being a dad changes you--into a woman.

• Jimmy : You're better at diapers than me. You get to all the nooks and crannies. The kid's like an English muffin down there.

• Beth : You've seen how tired I am. Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a chore.

  Jimmy : Oh, so sex is a chore now?

  Beth : Well you did put it on my to-do list.

  Jimmy : Yeah, and I'm still waitin' for you to do me.

• Jimmy : I think we should consider traditional gender roles. You gather the laundry, dishes, and diapers and I will hunt for bison... and porn on the Internet.

• Beth : We need parent friends. If we had friends with babies, we'd know how they do it.

  Jimmy : Honey, I know how they do it. Same as we did: busted condom.

• Kelly : Were you guys gonna watch the game?

  Jimmy : Yeah, but we can go in the kitchen and eat quiche if you'd like.

  Kelly : Listen, I'm gay but I'm not that gay.

• Kelly : I love Assies! You do know that it's a gay sports bar, right?

  Jimmy : No, really? So the waitresses are...

  Kelly : Waiters.

  Jimmy : And the assies are...

  Kelly : To die for!

• Jimmy : You're still my partner and my best buddy and I-and I'm watching the Broncos with you.

  Carl : What about your new gay friend?

  Jimmy : I'll blow him off. God, I hope this mic isn't on.

• Jimmy : All gay guys are cool.

  Carl : Hey, I thought all Black guys were cool.

  Jimmy : No, not since the '80s. Urkel screwed that up for you.

• Jimmy : I'm a dad. I can't be doing drugs anymore.

  Carl : Apparently you don't watch The Osbournes.

• Jimmy : Smell my breath. Does it smell like pot?

  Carl : No. Smells like feet and ass.

  Kevin : Here, I've got some minty breath spray. My breath smells like ass too, but not the good kind.

• Jimmy : It's time we start acting like grownups... but I'm still watching "Spongebob".

• Carl : Jimmy was just telling me he's gonna get some life insurance. Kind of a Ward Cleaver thing to do, isn't it, Jimmy?

  Jimmy : Well, Carl, it is my job to protect the Beaver.

• [Jimmy takes out a million-dollar insurance policy on himself] 

  Jimmy : Yeah, I want Beth to be taken care of but, you know, I don't wanna give her too much incentive to have me whacked.

  Carl : Man, for a million dollars, I'd whack ya.

  Jimmy : OK, when you say "whack", you mean "kill", right?

  Carl : Either way.

• Beth : Did you sleep with any hookers or kill anyone?

  Jimmy : Oh, you got me. I slept with a hooker and then I killed her. And just for fun, I kicked a puppy.

• Beth : I'm not angry.

  Jimmy : Damn! I was hopin' for make-up sex.

• Jimmy : If I have to clip one more coupon I'm gonna slit my wrists. Oh, that reminds me, I have a coupon for Band-Aids.

• Beth : You'll find another job.

  Jimmy : Beth, once you've blown chunks in a chopper, there's not a lot of places to go.

• Beth : So you're sure you're OK with me sticking my nose in your business?

  Jimmy : Oh, yeah! Yeah, I love that... Oh, you mean *business* business.

• Jimmy : There probably are a lot of jobs that are tougher than being a mom. What about those guys that have to clean out the port-o-johns from outdoor rock concerts?

  Carl : I've been in those things. I don't think that job exists.

• Beth : We could have a dinner party. Like, with real grownup conversation and we could finally use our crystal and china and linen napkins. And we'll make a gourmet meal...

  Jimmy : And Jello shots.

  Beth : Yes!

• Kevin : Can I bring a date?

  Jimmy : Uh, well, you may bring a date, but the question is can you? Not your mother.

• Beth : It's just like Thanksgiving.

  Jimmy : Yeah, well, it would be if my grandpa were here, all drunk, talking about those dang homosectionals.

• Beth : Otis has a runny nose.

  Jimmy : Is it green or clear? Oh God! You know, I can't believe how much we talk about this boy's bodily fluids. It's like he's a tiny Bill Clinton.

• Jimmy : Just because Otis has a little sniffle, we can't let it ruin our evening. That's what we have Kevin for.

• [Otis has pinkeye] 

  Jimmy : Poor guy, he could use a makeover. Little Queer Eye for the Pinkeye.

• Beth : We have no friends.

  Jimmy : Yeah but, baby, you gotta look at the big picture. We also have no life.

• Beth : I mean, I know he's just a baby but do you think maybe sometimes he cries just to piss us off?

  Jimmy : Of course. Do you think it's an accident that he cries every time we try to have sex?

• Jimmy : Look, honey, when his show first came to Denver, instead of calling me "Jimmy Cox", he called me "Jimmy No Cox". All right, I've been trying to come up with a nickname for him for years.

  Beth : How 'bout Danny Bonadouchebag?

• Carl : To me, kids are like musicals.

  Jimmy : Oh yeah? How's that?

  Carl : I don't like 'em.

• Jimmy : I'm pathetic? You own a blowup doll.

  Carl : Hey, I told you it's not a blowup doll. It's an action figure.

  Jimmy : So, you seen any action lately?

• Jimmy : Yeah, well having a wife and child is the most rewarding thing a man can do with his life.

  Carl : You know she's not here, right?

  Jimmy : Yeah, but you never know when they're gonna sneak up behind ya.

• Jimmy : Listen, I'd love to stay here and chat but I know you've got that multi-colored schoolbus to catch, so...

  Danny Bonaduce : Oh, a "Partridge Family" joke. How fresh!

• Jimmy : I want you to go and I will watch little Otie-woatie-toadie-bodie.

  Jimmy : Well, it's official. You got no nads!

• Kia : Oh, and you don't have to worry because I'm a nurse in a pediatric unit.

  Jimmy : Oh, well, then you two have a lot in common because a lot of women have told Carl he has a pediatric unit.

• Beth : Is this the most retarded argument we've ever had?

  Jimmy : No, that would be the time that we argued about whether or not Batman and Robin are gay.

  Beth : They totally are!

  Jimmy : You know what? I don't even wanna go there again.

• Beth : What happened to your finger?

  Jimmy : Ah, I hurt it playin' with Carl.

  Beth : Did he pull too hard?

• Jimmy : Well, uh, I don't like to brag but I was voted Best Dancer in high school. It was prob'ly cause I had a seizure at the prom. Yeah, turns out I'm allergic to shrimp.

• Beth : I am not jealous.

  Jimmy : Yes, you are. Cause that's the same look I get when I watch you eating a popsicle.

• [After sex] 

  Jimmy : I think we finally settled that debate over who your daddy is once and for all.

• Jimmy : I mean, what, you don't get bed head like this from just sleepin' on it, right?

• Jimmy : Don't you ever fantasize about someone else when you're makin' love to me?

  Beth : *No*!

  Jimmy : I see. Clearly I did not know that or I would not have asked the question.

• Jimmy : Yeah, the wife meeting the old girlfriend, isn't that in The Bad Idea Hall of Fame?

  Carl : It's right up there next to mesh condoms.

• Beth : How could you dump her? She's perfect!

  Jimmy : Hey, you're the one that wanted to come here.

  Beth : OK, the correct answer was, "No, she's not!"

• Jimmy : I thought we were done fighting.

  Beth : No, I walked into the bedroom. You were supposed to follow me...

  Jimmy : I'm sorry but when an angry bear walks away, you don't follow it.

• Marques Houston : Yo, man, obviously you don't know how to deal with the ladies.

  Jimmy : This coming from a man who sings a song called "Pop That Booty".

• Carl : So is this the place you hung out when you used to dress like Boy George?

  Jimmy : That was once, all right, for a Halloween party. And I'd appreciate it if you would take the picture off of your screensaver.

• Beth : I've got a surprise for you.

  Jimmy : Oh no! No, last time you said that you had just finished peeing on a stick.

• Jimmy : You know somethin', Carl? The times, they are a-changin'.

  Carl : Mmm, that's hard to believe when you're quoting a 40-year-old song.

• [Otis' first night in his own room] 

  Jimmy : Honey, look, you've already checked on him six times tonight.

  Beth : I just wanna make sure he's OK.

  Jimmy : OK. OK, maybe you should. 'Cause he's probably climbed out of his crib, crawled down the block, and reached the Things That Can Lodge in Your Throat store.

• Jimmy : Yes! We are playing catch just like I did with my dad. Only this is better because I'm not calling Otis a spazz and yelling that he better stop crying or I'll give him something to cry about.

• Jimmy : No, I am not the male model type, really.

  Janice Dickinson : Clearly, dear. Not with those pores.

• Jimmy : Not all child stars go bad. The kids from "The Cosby Show" turned out OK.

• Jimmy : Okay, I'm gonna share a painful memory from my childhood.

  Beth : Oh, is this about when your mother found you "discovering yourself?"

  Jimmy : Thank you for making this such a safe environment in which to share.

• Jimmy : Oh my God! I like having sex with women but I'm gay, aren't I?

• Jimmy : You gave Otis whiskey?

  Grandma : Yes, that's all right. I didn't let him drive.

• Jimmy : Grandma, you dipped Otis's pacifier in alcohol?

  Grandma : Yes, and then he had some formula as a chaser!

• Grandma : Oh, look, I know that my child-rearing tactics must seem a little outmoded to you, with your car seats and your fancy non-rectal thermometers, but I helped raise you and you turned out OK, Jimmy.

  Jimmy : Yeah, but who knows what my potential would've been if I hadn't been dropped, drugged, and probed?

• Beth : Ca-Pam had to cancel. She's got a stomach virus.

  Jimmy : Oh, man, I hope I don't get it. You know, I think I saw her lick her fingers before she grabbed my testicles... Sheep testicles. It's a Moroccan dish. Goes great with cow brains.

  Grandma : And you think whiskey on the gums is peculiar?

• Jimmy : All right, since your parents are coming, I did the standard pre-parent sweep. Which means if you're looking for your "neck massager", it's under the bed.

  Beth : Aren't you excited?

  Jimmy : No. Doesn't work on my "neck".

• Jimmy : Goodness, how are you guys?

  Monty : So tired I'm about to lose incontinence... You can relax, the day I don't make that joke is the day you have to worry.

• Beth : It's no problem.

  Jimmy : OK, all right, I'm gonna agree with you because history shows that's my best chance for some sweet, sweet lovin'.

• Jimmy : It has nothing to do with your age, all right? Look, I mean Dick Clark is like a thousand.

• Jimmy : Who are those people?

  Beth : I'll tell you who they are: interlopers.

  Jimmy : OK, honey, some of us went to community college. Use words I can understand.

• Jimmy : Carl, we're gonna be spending at least two nights on that rooftop doing this charity radio-thon. Man, you're gonna need a heavy jacket and I know I would appreciate it if you brought a change of underwear.

• Jimmy : Carl, listen, you're gonna have to pretend that this radio-thon is gonna be torture, Ok?

  Carl : Why?

  Jimmy : Because, man, look I could be the jackhole trying to escape my wife and kid for a few days, or I could be the nice guy forced to sleep on a rooftop for charity. All right? Which one of those guys do you think gets sympathy sex?

• [Beth walks in pushing Otis in a carriage] 

  Beth : I walked all over Denver trying to get him asleep. If you make a noise, I'll shoot you.

  Jimmy : Wouldn't a gun make a noise?

  Beth : I'll get a silencer.

  Jimmy : It'll still make that little "phtttt".

• Crandall : And I'm here to kick off our annual radio-a-thon for charity where we give our listeners a chance to help some needy people.

  Jimmy : That's right. This man hasn't had a date in over two years.

• Jimmy : What are you two doing in bed together?

  Beth : Pam spent the night. We were having a girls' night.

  Jimmy : Define "girls' night".

  Beth : It's not what you're thinking.

  Jimmy : So you guys aren't gonna put on nurses uniforms and have a pillow fight on a trampoline?

  Beth : No, we did that earlier... just after we washed cars in our bikinis in slow-motion.