Waiting... (I) (2005)

Wendie Malick: Monty's Mom

Quotes 

• Monty's Mom : So I called your house today, at two. You were still asleep, weren't you?

  Monty : That's an understatement.

  Monty's Mom : So what did you do last night? I trust my little angel didn't do anything immoral.

  Monty : Well, ummm... Let's see. I started by getting completely hammered drunk. It was bad. Then drove, while intoxicated, to pick up this disease-infested hooker.

  Monty's Mom : Uh huh...

  Monty : From there... uh, let's see. Me and the hooker went back to my place...

  Monty's Mom : The hooker and I.

  Monty : Excuse me. The hooker and I went back to my place and from there... God, it was just a blur of intravenous drug abuse and unprotected sex, while taking the Lord's name in vain.

  Monty's Mom : Dean, did you know that when Monty was a child everyone thought he was retarded?

  Monty : Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?

  Monty's Mom : So why aren't you and Serena still together? I liked her.

  Monty : I don't know. I guess it got old. We had a relationship based on orgasms.

  Monty's Mom : Oh, how charming. You are being safe aren't you? I don't think I could handle the idea of you reproducing.

  Monty : Come on, mom! Of course I'm being safe. I pull out.

  Monty's Mom : Yes, well your father pulled out too but we've all seen the tragic end of that story.

  Monty : You think I wanna have kids? Absolutely not! That's why I stick to anal sex.

  Monty's Mom : If only I had been so lucky.