The Ladykillers (2004)

Tzi Ma: The General

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Quotes 

• Gawain MacSam : Motherfuck!

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Yes. Unfortunately, Mrs. Munson has rather complicated the situation.

  Gawain MacSam : Yeah, well, I know how to decomplicate it. You bust a cap in that old bitch's head, everything be simple.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Not easy to do. Many reasons. Practical ones. Quiet neighborhood, sleepy town. Reasons of moral repugnance. A harmless woman, a deed conceived and executed in cold blood. Oh, no, Gawain, would that it were simple.

  Gawain MacSam : Well, fuck, man! What we gonna do? Give the money back and go to church?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : I shudder. I quake. You, sir, are a Buddhist. Is there not a "middle" way?

  The General : Mm. Must float like a leaf on the river of life... and kill old lady.

• Marva Munson : Now I want to know what's goin' on.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Oh, indeed, indeed. The thirst for knowledge is a very commendable thing. Though I do believe that when you hear the explanation you shall laugh riotously, slappin' your knee and perhaps even wipin' away a giddy tear, relieved of your former concern. Lump here is an avid collector of Indian arrowheads, and having found one simply lying on your cellar floor - a particularly rare artifact of the Natchez tribe?

  Lump Hudson : Nats... what?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : He enlisted the entire ensemble in an all-out effort to sift through the subsoil in search of others. And apparently, in doing so, we hit a mother lode of natural gas. I myself became acutely aware of the smell of "rotten eggs." And it was just at this inopportune moment that the General here violated the cardinal rule of this house and lit himself a cigarette.

  The General : So sorry.

  Marva Munson : Well, what about all that money?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Ah. The money. Well, the money is Mr. Pancake's.

  Garth Pancake : That's right.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Who only just remortgaged his home in order to raise the money for a surgical procedure that will correct the wandering eye of his common-law wife, Mountain Water, who suffers from astigmia, strabismus and a general curdling of the vitreous jelly. Mr. Pancake is an ardent foe of the Federal Reserve, and is, in fact, one of those eccentrics one often reads about hoardin' his entire life savings, in Mr. Pancake's case, in a Hefty bag that is his constant companion. The Steel Sak.

  Garth Pancake : Don't trust the banks. Never have.

• Professor G.H. Dorr : To penetrate the vault here this afternoon, while Mrs. Munson is at church, havin' blasted that little old rock to pieces durin' Mrs. Munson's choir practice. Garth, can you run us through the game plan for what remains of our tunnel?

  Garth Pancake : Of course. Why, it's child's play now. Easiest thing in the world. Only a couple of feet separate us from the vault. Just the usual spadework until we get to the masonry of the vault, and then we just drill through.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : And will you be able to wield the drill with your maimed extremity?

  Garth Pancake : Oh, well, yeah, I should think so. Yeah, it's, uh, it's only one finger. Inhibits me in doing finer work of course. I'll always have to live with that. Maybe - I'm just thinkin' out loud here - maybe, since as you say there will be problems later, maybe - and I actually mentioned this to Mountain Girl, she agrees with me, so it's not just one person's opinion - maybe, uh... I should get a little extra compensation for the accident. Somewhat larger share. Why, if this was any other line of work, I'd be getting workman's comp. Wouldn't I? Might even have a pretty good lawsuit.

  Gawain MacSam : Wait, so you gonna sue yourself for blowing your own goddamn finger off?

  Garth Pancake : Well, now that is simply asinine.

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Yes, but you see, Garth, this is not what you just called "some other line of work."

  Garth Pancake : Yeah, no, no, no, but if it were...

  Professor G.H. Dorr : This is a criminal enterprise, not to put too fine a point on it, entailing any manner of risk not involved in honest labor. Governmental regulations and civic safeguards cannot be assumed to apply to antisocial pursuits.

  Lump Hudson : Yeah, but he lost his finger.

  Gawain MacSam : We don't give a fuck! That fool could blow his goddamn dick off, it don't make no nevermind to us! We not payin' this jackass for goin' around blowin' off goddamn body parts! Get yo' fuckin' head out yo' ass, man!

  Garth Pancake : Look you, there is no call for...

  The General : No extra share!

  Garth Pancake : OK. Majority rules. Like I say, it was just a trial balloon. Hand's not so bad really. I even get some phantom feeling.

  Gawain MacSam : Yeah, you pull on your prick, you get some phantom feelin'.

  Garth Pancake : Fuck you.

  Gawain MacSam : Fuck you.

  Garth Pancake : Fuck you!

  Gawain MacSam : Fuck you, nubbie!

  Professor G.H. Dorr : Well, now that that matter is settled, why don't we synchronize our watches before Gawain reports to work. In 20 seconds, it will be exactly 12:16. Fifteen...

  Garth Pancake : What, it'll be 12:15?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : No, 15 seconds. Well, 11 seconds now. It'll be 12:16. Eight, seven...

  Lump Hudson : Professor? Prof...?

  Professor G.H. Dorr : ...six... five... Yes, Lump!

  Lump Hudson : I don't have a watch.