Man of the House (I) (2005)

Kelli Garner: Barb

Photos 

Quotes 

• Teresa : [Sharp has a pizza delivered at dinner, while the girls all have homemade salads]  What is that?

  Roland Sharp : The Carnivore. Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham and olive loaf all gathered together in one savory pie. With jalepenos. Want some?

  Heather : Yes. No!

  Roland Sharp : Extra thick crust.

  Anne : I can't, I'm on the zone.

  Roland Sharp : What zone?

  Anne : The proper combination of protein, fat and carbohydrates.

  Roland Sharp : This combination here is proper as hell.

  Barb : I'm a total Atkins girl.

  Evie : I'm on Weight Watchers, you'll probably blow all your daily points with just one bite.

  Roland Sharp : This baby has one point and one point only, and that is tasting good.

• Heather : [Barb is playing with her breasts in front of a mirror in an interrogation room]  That is a two-way mirror, girl. People are watching you!

  Barb : I know!

• Anne : No, he means the other Texas Rangers, you know, like The Lone Ranger.

  Heather : He had that cool Indian friend, what was his name?

  Teresa : Tonto?

  Barb : He was hot! Why don't guys wear loincloths anymore?

• Roland Sharp : I cannot hear myself think!

  [turns off music] 

  Evie : Okay, as we involuntarily enter into this enforced period of silence, can I ask if there's any medication you forgot to take... or some I might recommend you should try?

  Barb : Yes, like take a...

  All Girls : CHILL PILL!

  Roland Sharp : I only need one witness!

  Barb : Get. Out!

• Barb : [confronted about her plagiarized paper]  What's the big deal? Presidents don't write their own speeches...

• Barb : You like me, don't you?

  Roland Sharp : No!

• Barb : [eagerly raising her hand]  I'm willing to skip all my classes for the greater good of the group!

• Teresa : [Roland Sharp has just had a huge air-conditioning unit installed; he set the thermostat to 45 degrees Fahrenheit. The girls, wearing winter clothes, walk downstairs.]  Alright. You win, okay? We all agree to put on more clothes. Now, can you please turn the temperature up?

  Roland Sharp : That's a very mature decision and I'm proud of you girls. But we should come to a common understanding of the meaning, the definition of the word "more. "

  Anne : We thought you might say that.

  Barb : [she brings over a life-size cardboard cut-out of a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader]  This is Courtney Ryan, my personal hero. Like Courtney, we feel we should not be penalized for maximizing our assets. However, we've all agreed to cover up these areas here... and this area right here.

  Roland Sharp : Good. But what about these other problem areas?

  Roland Sharp : [uses a black marker pen to outline the areas: 1 - upper thighs, 2 - around bosom, 3 - around belly-button.]  Here... here... and here.

  Anne : [upset]  You're killing me! Barb.

  Barb : [confers with other girls, then she announces]  All right. We'll cave in on the first two. But we absolutely must maintain NAVEL visibility.

  Roland Sharp : One inch on either side.

  Anne : Three.

  Roland Sharp : Two.

  Anne : Done!

• Barb : [off Roland's upset look and stops chewing her gum all of a sudden]  Oh, do you want a piece?

  Roland Sharp : No, I do not.

  Barb : What, you don't like gum?

  Roland Sharp : No. Chewing gum is the most significant factor in the decline of Western civilization.

  Evie : The decline of what?

• Roland Sharp : [after several guys greeted Barb fondly]  You got some admirers on this campus here, don't you?

  Barb : Now you don't be jealous, such a silly boy.

  [casually:] 

  Barb : We can stop this charade and run away together.

  Roland Sharp : You have a paper to write!

  Barb : I know. But if I write it myself, it is just gonna be stupid.

  Roland Sharp : You don't know that, because you haven't tried. And cheating is a hell of a lot worse than being stupid. Plagiarism is an academic crime. It is punishable by academic death.

  Barb : What do you care anyway?

  Roland Sharp : I wanna see you stay alive. Academically, physically and every other way.

  Barb : You like me, don't ya?

  Roland Sharp : [gruffly]  No!