Man of the House (I) (2005)

Paula Garcés: Teresa

Photos 

Quotes 

• Roland Sharp : Furthermore, I'd appreciate it if you'd cover yourselves in our presence. I realize how very proud you are... of your tattoos, piercings, and other body modifications. However, my colleagues and I do not need to see these! Are there any questions?

  Teresa : I have one. Are you always such a dick?

  Roland Sharp : Yes!

• Teresa : [Sharp has a pizza delivered at dinner, while the girls all have homemade salads]  What is that?

  Roland Sharp : The Carnivore. Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham and olive loaf all gathered together in one savory pie. With jalepenos. Want some?

  Heather : Yes. No!

  Roland Sharp : Extra thick crust.

  Anne : I can't, I'm on the zone.

  Roland Sharp : What zone?

  Anne : The proper combination of protein, fat and carbohydrates.

  Roland Sharp : This combination here is proper as hell.

  Barb : I'm a total Atkins girl.

  Evie : I'm on Weight Watchers, you'll probably blow all your daily points with just one bite.

  Roland Sharp : This baby has one point and one point only, and that is tasting good.

• Teresa : You *clearly* don't know how to speak to women.

  Roland Sharp : I know how to speak to women. I *clearly* choose not to.

• Anne : No, he means the other Texas Rangers, you know, like The Lone Ranger.

  Heather : He had that cool Indian friend, what was his name?

  Teresa : Tonto?

  Barb : He was hot! Why don't guys wear loincloths anymore?

• Roland Sharp : [yelling at the radio]  Why do you find it necessary to listen to this constant *crap*?

  Anne : What's the matter? You don't like vagina music?

  Roland Sharp : Do you have to use that word before I've had my coffee and soymilk?

  Anne : [mocking him]  Vagina, vagina, *vagina*!

  Teresa : [walks in room]  Whose?

• Teresa : [Roland Sharp has just had a huge air-conditioning unit installed; he set the thermostat to 45 degrees Fahrenheit. The girls, wearing winter clothes, walk downstairs.]  Alright. You win, okay? We all agree to put on more clothes. Now, can you please turn the temperature up?

  Roland Sharp : That's a very mature decision and I'm proud of you girls. But we should come to a common understanding of the meaning, the definition of the word "more. "

  Anne : We thought you might say that.

  Barb : [she brings over a life-size cardboard cut-out of a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader]  This is Courtney Ryan, my personal hero. Like Courtney, we feel we should not be penalized for maximizing our assets. However, we've all agreed to cover up these areas here... and this area right here.

  Roland Sharp : Good. But what about these other problem areas?

  Roland Sharp : [uses a black marker pen to outline the areas: 1 - upper thighs, 2 - around bosom, 3 - around belly-button.]  Here... here... and here.

  Anne : [upset]  You're killing me! Barb.

  Barb : [confers with other girls, then she announces]  All right. We'll cave in on the first two. But we absolutely must maintain NAVEL visibility.

  Roland Sharp : One inch on either side.

  Anne : Three.

  Roland Sharp : Two.

  Anne : Done!

• Teresa : [she is from Colombia.]  I have to have my baby in America!

• Anne : We had the situation under control.

  Teresa : Yeah. We were about to go all Buffy on their gringo asses.

• Teresa : I'll tell you something about this daughter of yours that you know nothing about, she must be severely messed up in the head from living with you.

  Roland Sharp : She lives with her mother.

  Evie : Why did your marriage fall apart?

  Roland Sharp : That is one of many things you and I will never discuss.

• Teresa : [advising Roland]  Remember, a woman is like a horse. She likes to know that the guy on the saddle has a tight grip on the reins.

  Heather : [frowns]  Excuse me, a woman is not a horse.

  [to Roland:] 

  Heather : Just be yourself.

  Anne : [smiling]  I'm not so sure that being himself is going in the right direction.