Man of the House (I) (2005)

Tommy Lee Jones: Roland Sharp

Photos 

Quotes 

• Roland Sharp : I gave up alcohol about 10 years ago.

  Molly McCarthy : Didn't like yourself when you were drinking, huh?

  Roland Sharp : Hell, I loved myself when I was drinking. It was the other people that had the problem!

• Roland Sharp : [to the pizza guy through the window]  Set the pizza on the porch, take two steps back, put your hands behind your head!

  Pizza Delivery Guy : [Sharp comes outside, begins to frisk the pizza guy]  Uhh... what's the problem dude?

  Roland Sharp : If that pizza's warm, there won't be a problem.

  [pays the guy] 

  Pizza Delivery Guy : [notices the girls inside]  Dude, do you live here with all these girls?

  Roland Sharp : Temporarily.

  Pizza Delivery Guy : Dude, you're my new hero.

  Roland Sharp : Imagine what that means to me.

  [shuts the door] 

• Roland Sharp : Furthermore, I'd appreciate it if you'd cover yourselves in our presence. I realize how very proud you are... of your tattoos, piercings, and other body modifications. However, my colleagues and I do not need to see these! Are there any questions?

  Teresa : I have one. Are you always such a dick?

  Roland Sharp : Yes!

• Binky Beauregard : [Sharp, posing as an assistant cheerleading coach, is looking dour at a game]  Where's your happy face?

  Roland Sharp : This *is* my happy face!

• Teresa : [Sharp has a pizza delivered at dinner, while the girls all have homemade salads]  What is that?

  Roland Sharp : The Carnivore. Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham and olive loaf all gathered together in one savory pie. With jalepenos. Want some?

  Heather : Yes. No!

  Roland Sharp : Extra thick crust.

  Anne : I can't, I'm on the zone.

  Roland Sharp : What zone?

  Anne : The proper combination of protein, fat and carbohydrates.

  Roland Sharp : This combination here is proper as hell.

  Barb : I'm a total Atkins girl.

  Evie : I'm on Weight Watchers, you'll probably blow all your daily points with just one bite.

  Roland Sharp : This baby has one point and one point only, and that is tasting good.

• Teresa : You *clearly* don't know how to speak to women.

  Roland Sharp : I know how to speak to women. I *clearly* choose not to.

• Roland Sharp : I cannot hear myself think!

  [turns off music] 

  Evie : Okay, as we involuntarily enter into this enforced period of silence, can I ask if there's any medication you forgot to take... or some I might recommend you should try?

  Barb : Yes, like take a...

  All Girls : CHILL PILL!

  Roland Sharp : I only need one witness!

  Barb : Get. Out!

• Roland Sharp : [yelling at the radio]  Why do you find it necessary to listen to this constant *crap*?

  Anne : What's the matter? You don't like vagina music?

  Roland Sharp : Do you have to use that word before I've had my coffee and soymilk?

  Anne : [mocking him]  Vagina, vagina, *vagina*!

  Teresa : [walks in room]  Whose?

• Roland Sharp : We need to establish that the bathroom at the end of the hall is a 100% masculine bathroom, and from this moment on it is off-limits to you people and your foolish undergarments.

• Ranger Riggs : Yes, sir. And I just want to say thank you for taking me along on this one, sir.

  Roland Sharp : That's the third time today you've thanked me, and I can honestly say at this point I feel the full brunt of your gratitude.

  Ranger Riggs : [looks at Teresa's butt as she climbs in the van]  Thank you again, sir!

  Roland Sharp : Get in the damn van!

• Barb : You like me, don't you?

  Roland Sharp : No!

• Maggie Swanson : Look, Ball, you've got three choices. A, you can stay in this hellhole and burn to death. B, you can come with us and testify against John Cortland.

  Morgan Ball : A and B suck! What about C?

  Roland Sharp : [pulls a gun on Ball from behind]  C's my personal favorite.

• Teresa : [Roland Sharp has just had a huge air-conditioning unit installed; he set the thermostat to 45 degrees Fahrenheit. The girls, wearing winter clothes, walk downstairs.]  Alright. You win, okay? We all agree to put on more clothes. Now, can you please turn the temperature up?

  Roland Sharp : That's a very mature decision and I'm proud of you girls. But we should come to a common understanding of the meaning, the definition of the word "more. "

  Anne : We thought you might say that.

  Barb : [she brings over a life-size cardboard cut-out of a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader]  This is Courtney Ryan, my personal hero. Like Courtney, we feel we should not be penalized for maximizing our assets. However, we've all agreed to cover up these areas here... and this area right here.

  Roland Sharp : Good. But what about these other problem areas?

  Roland Sharp : [uses a black marker pen to outline the areas: 1 - upper thighs, 2 - around bosom, 3 - around belly-button.]  Here... here... and here.

  Anne : [upset]  You're killing me! Barb.

  Barb : [confers with other girls, then she announces]  All right. We'll cave in on the first two. But we absolutely must maintain NAVEL visibility.

  Roland Sharp : One inch on either side.

  Anne : Three.

  Roland Sharp : Two.

  Anne : Done!

• Bar Patron : I should warn you, I know Karate

  [gets in stance] 

  Roland Sharp : You better know something

  [knocks him out with a pool cue] 

  Roland Sharp : Any rest of you boys in this pool hall wanna play the winner?

• Roland Sharp : ...and you couldn't possibly be talking about my mother, because my mother is allergic to dogs!

• Roland Sharp : [struts through the church door]  Well, if it ain't Martin Luther Vandross.

  Percy Stevens : Uh, why don't you all take a break. Everybody go ahead, real quick. This man's probably got a lot of sins he needs to confess. Probably may have to exorcise him.

• Roland Sharp : [Percy and the cheerleaders have just finished their dance-off]  Now that's old school.

• Heather : ...like in "Full Metal Jacket"? That's my favorite movie.

  Roland Sharp : My favorite movie is "The Sound of Music."

• Teresa : I'll tell you something about this daughter of yours that you know nothing about, she must be severely messed up in the head from living with you.

  Roland Sharp : She lives with her mother.

  Evie : Why did your marriage fall apart?

  Roland Sharp : That is one of many things you and I will never discuss.

• Barb : [off Roland's upset look and stops chewing her gum all of a sudden]  Oh, do you want a piece?

  Roland Sharp : No, I do not.

  Barb : What, you don't like gum?

  Roland Sharp : No. Chewing gum is the most significant factor in the decline of Western civilization.

  Evie : The decline of what?

• Roland Sharp : You're not really the cheerleading type, are you?

  Heather : For me, it's more penance than a passion. Religious ascetics wear a hair shirt, I carry the pom-poms. I don't know. I guess it's the duality of man, you know. "That Jungian thing, sir," Matthew Modine, Full Metal Jacket. Peace sign on one side of his helmet. "Born to Kill" on the other. It's my favorite movie.

• Roland Sharp : [Talking to Holt]  Stay here, don't go contemplating the universe with anybody!

• Anne : Look, you guys, we've got a game on Saturday...

  Evie : Yeah!

  Anne : ...and don't even think about telling us we're not going!

  Roland Sharp : You're not going!

  Heather : [urgent whisper]  Tell him, Anne.

  Anne : As captain of the squad, it is my duty to inform you that if you wanna stop us from cheerleading,

  [folds arms] 

  Anne : you're gonna have to pry the pom-poms from our cold dead hands.

• Roland Sharp : [after several guys greeted Barb fondly]  You got some admirers on this campus here, don't you?

  Barb : Now you don't be jealous, such a silly boy.

  [casually:] 

  Barb : We can stop this charade and run away together.

  Roland Sharp : You have a paper to write!

  Barb : I know. But if I write it myself, it is just gonna be stupid.

  Roland Sharp : You don't know that, because you haven't tried. And cheating is a hell of a lot worse than being stupid. Plagiarism is an academic crime. It is punishable by academic death.

  Barb : What do you care anyway?

  Roland Sharp : I wanna see you stay alive. Academically, physically and every other way.

  Barb : You like me, don't ya?

  Roland Sharp : [gruffly]  No!

• Molly McCarthy : Can't make up your mind?

  Roland Sharp : Do I need the slim fit, the regular protection, or the one with wings?

  Molly McCarthy : The ones with the wings. Definitely.

  [Beat] 

  Molly McCarthy : Cucumber-melon body spray. Vanilla-smoothie bikini cream. Sounds like a busy and painful night for your wife.

  Roland Sharp : I'm divorced. These things are for the girls.

  Molly McCarthy : The cheerleaders? You do their shopping for them?

  Roland Sharp : [Nods] 

  Molly McCarthy : You are a curious fella, Mr. Sharp.

  [Beat] 

  Molly McCarthy : You gay?

  Roland Sharp : No. Girls are all tied up, studyin'. And I volunteered to help out and pick up a few things.

  Molly McCarthy : Are you sleeping with any or possibly all of these girls?

  Roland Sharp : No.

  Molly McCarthy : Wanna have dinner with me tomorrow night?

  Roland Sharp : Negative.

  Molly McCarthy : Negative?

  Roland Sharp : It's not really possible, what with work and all.

  Molly McCarthy : Well, OK, that plane just flew into the side of the mountain. Call off the search, no survivors.

  [Beat] 

  Molly McCarthy : Have a pleasant evening.

• Tommy : You see the taller blonde. Is that Anne or Barb? I can never remember.

  Roland Sharp : HEBAT.

  Tommy : What?

  Roland Sharp : HEBAT. It's a mnemonic device: Heather, Evie, Barbara, Anne, Theresa. HEBAT.

• Roland Sharp : [on screen in Captain Nichols' office]  ... these girls are a different kettle of worms...