Meet the Fockers (2004)

Robert De Niro: Jack Byrnes

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jack Byrnes : I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.

  Greg Focker : It was Barry Poppins.

  Jack Byrnes : What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?

  Roz Focker : Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.

  Jack Byrnes : It was your idea?

  Roz Focker : Yes.

  Jack Byrnes : What is wrong with you people?

  Bernie Focker : You people?

  Dina Byrnes : I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.

  Jack Byrnes : Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?

  Greg Focker : Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?

  Jack Byrnes : He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.

  Roz Focker : The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.

  Greg Focker : Mom.

  Jack Byrnes : What are you saying?

  Roz Focker : I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.

  Jack Byrnes : And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.

  Pam Byrnes : Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.

  Jack Byrnes : I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.

  Roz Focker : Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.

  Jack Byrnes : The Little Jack in me?

  [Greg is getting extremely frusrated] 

  Roz Focker : Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.

  Jack Byrnes : Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.

  Greg Focker : [everyone starts arguing]  Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?

  [everyone is quiet] 

  Greg Focker : Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

• Jack Byrnes : We use the Ferber method.

  Bernie Focker : We use the Focker method. We hugged and kissed that little boy like there was no tomorrow. We Fockerized him.

• Jack Byrnes : Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truely important. Do you know what that is?

  Greg Focker : Love... friendship... enjoying the moment... living... just love.

  Jack Byrnes : His legacy.

  Greg Focker : That, too. Right, yeah. Sure.

  Jack Byrnes : Let me put it very simply. If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.

• Jack Byrnes : I'm not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers.

• Greg Focker : [about the coach loudspeaker]  I like that thing. Hey, mind if I, uh make a little announcement?

  Jack Byrnes : Only the captain gets to make an announcement, Greg.

  [pause] 

  Jack Byrnes : You want to honk the horn?

  Greg Focker : Um, sure.

  Jack Byrnes : Only the captain gets to honk the horn.

• Bernie Focker : Jack, tell me one smart thing the C.L.I.A. has done. I will give you the deed to her house.

  Jack Byrnes : The C.L.I.A.?

  Bernie Focker : Central Lack of Intelligence Agency!

• Greg Focker : They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing.

  [they all laugh] 

  Jack Byrnes : Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?

  Greg Focker : [silence]  They wouldn't.

• Jack Byrnes : You knew she was pregnant?

  Dina Byrnes : We all did, Jack.

  Pam Byrnes : Daddy, I was going to tell you after the wedding, I swear.

  Jack Byrnes : This is the reason I created the circle of trust so we could discuss these things.

  Pam Byrnes : But the circle isn't going to work if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad.

• [Jack is in the RV ready to leave the island but Bernard is lying down in front of the RV so he won't leave] 

  Jack Byrnes : [over loudspeaker]  Bernard, get out from under the vehicle or I will run you over.

  Bernie Focker : I'm not moving, Jack. There's a non-violent way to handle this.

• Greg Focker : You meet some of the... eh... some of the cousins?

  Jack Byrnes : I met some, yes. I met some... Dom?

  Greg Focker : Yeah, Dom Focker, that's my dad's... uh... first cousin. You meet his kids, Randy and Orny?

• Isabel : He is a handsome little Focker!

  Jack Byrnes : He's not a Focker.

• Dina Byrnes : Sweetheart, do we really have to hurry like this?

  Jack Byrnes : Oh, yes. We have to pull a little covert operation here. The bandleader says we've got approximately 23 minutes until it's time to cut the cake.

• Greg Focker : What's the sign for sour milk, 'cause this tastes a little... funky.

  Jack Byrnes : That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.

• Bernie Focker : At least I'm comfortable enough in my skin to cook for my family. Tell me when was the last time you gave your wife breakfast in bed? When was the last time you gave her anything in bed?

  Jack Byrnes : Now you're outta line Focker.

  Bernie Focker : No man you are outta line. You hurt my feelings there. There's no reason to hurt my feelings.

  [looks at Greg and points to Jack] 

  Bernie Focker : He insulted me.

• Jack Byrnes : [from inside soundproof cockpit]  Dina! Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino! Shake a leg, woman!

• Greg Focker : This isn't about you, alright? It's not about either of you. It's about me and Pam. We're getting married. That's it. We're starting our own circle of trust. And guess what.

  [points to both of them] 

  Greg Focker : You're not in it.

  Jack Byrnes : You can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle.

  Greg Focker : You know what, you don't have a patent on the circle, Jack. And by the way, you're not even in your own circle right now.

  Jack Byrnes : That is untrue! I say who's in or out of the circle!

  Bernie Focker : Well I'm confused. Who's circle am I in?

  Greg Focker , Jack Byrnes : Nobody's.

• [Bernie is laying under the RV to prevent Jack from leaving] 

  Jack Byrnes : Bernie, get out from under the car or I will run you over!

• Jack Byrnes : [about Focker Isle]  We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL.

• Roz Focker : Yeah, and now it's up to 50 Fockers.

  Jack Byrnes : 50 Fockers. What could be better?

• Jack Byrnes : [holding up a card of a female nurse, Little Jack laughing]  Sorry, Greg. It only comes in one gender.

• Jack Byrnes : I'm down here... under the bed.

• Jack Byrnes : [Greg is cursing around Little Jack]  I don't want his first word to be a profanity!

• Bernie Focker : It's not about winning or losing. It's about passion. We just wanted him to love what he's doing. Know what I mean, Jack?

  Jack Byrnes : Not really, Bernard. I think a competitive drive is the essential key that makes America the only remaining superpower in the world today.

  Bernie Focker : Well, whatever works.

• [Jack just finished taking a shower and opens the curtain to find Bernie sitting on the toilet] 

  Bernie Focker : Morning, partner!

  Jack Byrnes : Morning.

  Bernie Focker : Sleep okay?

  Jack Byrnes : I slept alright, thank you.

  Bernie Focker : [long pause as Bernie and the dog stare at Jack]  It's nice all of us being here together, don't you think?

  Jack Byrnes : Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy?

  Bernie Focker : Almost done.

• Bernie Focker : [hitting toilet with fire extinguisher]  I gotta save my dog!

  Jack Byrnes : Forget your dog, what about my toilet?

• Jack Byrnes : Okay we can play 3 on 2, but we'll need someone to be official quarterback.

  Bernie Focker : Gay goes both ways.

  Jack Byrnes : Oh, I'll bet he does.

• Dina Byrnes : [after Bernie has destroyed Jack's toilet to save Moses]  Jack, he was just trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it had been Jinx who fell in the toilet?

  Jack Byrnes : [matter-of-factly]  Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to have done in a submergion.

• Dina Byrnes : Oh, Jack, isn't it wonderful? The kids are *finally* getting married?

  Jack Byrnes : [about Little Jack]  Wait a second; I think he spoke!

  [pushes Dina aside] 

  Jack Byrnes : Little Jack! Were you about to speak?

  [Little Jack passes gas] 

  Jack Byrnes : It's nothing, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, Dina?

• Dina Byrnes : It's a custom designed, climate-controlled motor coach.

  Jack Byrnes : Jack calls it the Highlight of our Twilight.

• Bernie Focker : You think you can take me, flower man?

  Jack Byrnes : I think I can, Mr. Mom.

  Bernie Focker : You're going down, Byrnesie Boy. I'm going to rearrange your bouquet.

• Jack Byrnes : I'm calling a family conference.

• Bernie Focker : Truth is, Jack, when Gay was born, I stopped practicing and became a stay-at-home dad.

  Jack Byrnes : So Roz was the primary breadwinner and you didn't have a job.

• Greg Focker : And do you talk yet, Mr. Munchkinhead?

  [makes baby noises at Little Jack] 

  Jack Byrnes : Greg, Greg, Greg. Don't infantilize him. Talk to him like an adult.

  Dina Byrnes : Muskrat.

  Jack Byrnes : Huh?

  Dina Byrnes : Muskrat, Jack.

  Jack Byrnes : Oh right.

  [to Greg] 

  Jack Byrnes : Just try to understand, he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands.

• Jack Byrnes : Officer, do you mind telling me why you're arresting these men?

  Officer LeFlore : Oh, mercy. It just gets better and better. This is none of your business, looky-loo!

  Jack Byrnes : At ease, son. Put down the taser.

  [pulls ID out] 

  Jack Byrnes : Jack Byrnes, C.I.A.

  Officer LeFlore : C.I... what?

  [looks at the ID] 

  Officer LeFlore : It says here you're retired. What are you gonna show me next, your AARP card.

  Jack Byrnes : Now you listen to me, and you listen good...

  Bernie Focker : What's he doing?

  Greg Focker : Don't worry, he's going to get us out of this.

  Jack Byrnes : You have no right to...

  Officer LeFlore : Stand down, sir!

  Jack Byrnes : No, I will not stand, you will stand down!

  Officer LeFlore : I will not stand down!

  Jack Byrnes : Oh, you will stand down or you will be walking a beat at a retirement home in Boyton Beach...

  Officer LeFlore : [shoots Jack in the chest with the taser, Jack starts shaking]  Remain calm!

• [Jack is telling Greg how to babysit Little Jack] 

  Jack Byrnes : Now, remember, Greg, we're Feberizing him, so unless it's an emergency, under no circumstances should you pick him up or cuddle him in any way when he cries.

  Greg Focker : OK.

  Jack Byrnes : He's learning to self-soothe. That means no television, no unapproved toys, and most of all, no monkey business of any kind. Is that clear?

  Greg Focker : Got it. No monkey business.

• [Jack, Greg and Bernie have been arrested and are in jail; Jack and Bernie sit facing each other on bunk beds either side of the cell; Greg stands by them] 

  Greg Focker : Look, we're starting a family, all right? We're gonna have a baby. I have a fifteen-year-old son. You guys just gotta put aside your differences and do what's best for us, OK?

  Jack Byrnes : [sighs]  Greg, Jorge's not your son.

  Greg Focker : What?

  Jack Byrnes : I had a comparative DNA analysis conducted last night, and I made a mistake.

  Greg Focker : You made a mistake?

  Jack Byrnes : Yes, I did.

  Bernie Focker : Wait a minute! Truth serum? DNA matches? Who the hell *are* you, Jack Byrnes?

  Jack Byrnes : I'm not really a florist, Bernard. I was in the CIA for 32 years, and I retired right before I met Greg.

  Bernie Focker : Oh, sure. Well, that makes sense.

• [Jack and Bernie are arrived at home, looked at Little Jack holding the rum bottle with his glue hands, watching the movie Scarface on TV, shocked] 

  Bernie Focker : There's someone you don't see every day.

  [Moses began to humping on Jinx's back] 

  Jack Byrnes : Focker! Focker!

  [Greg enters with wearing moose antlers and a breast] 

  Greg Focker : Okay. I know this is bad. But, I can explain.

  Jack Byrnes : What the hell happened? I said no monkey business!

  [Little Jack began to crying] 

  Greg Focker : No! There's no monkey business.

  Jack Byrnes : No monkey business? You're wearing my breast!

  [Moses barking at Jinx, he gets off his back, Jinx hissing at Moses] 

  Jack Byrnes : Little Jack is drinking, Moses is sodomizing Jinx and you're telling me there's no monkey business? What is going on here?

  [turns to Little Jack] 

  Jack Byrnes : Are you all right, LJ?

  [Roz, Pam and Dina enters home] 

  Roz Focker : Hello, we're home! Hey, guys!

  Jack Byrnes : [grabbing the rum bottle]  Give me the bottle. Give me the bottle.

  Pam Byrnes : Oh, my god. What happened to Little Jack?

  Bernie Focker : Looks like his hands has stuck in the bottle of rum.

  Greg Focker : Thank you, dad.

  Jack Byrnes : You bet, they're stuck.

  Pam Byrnes : Greg? How did this happen?

  [sees his wearing antlers] 

  Pam Byrnes : And why are you wearing antlers?

  Greg Focker : [takes his antlers off]  It's... very complicated.

  Roz Focker : [sees the glue]  It's just a little glue, he's fine.

  Jack Byrnes : He's not fine! If he could use of his hands, he'll tell you by himself!

  [to Little Jack] 

  Jack Byrnes : All right, that's all right. Come on.

  [Little Jack continues crying] 

  Pam Byrnes : Oh, Little Jack. Honey, are you okay? Greg?

  Jack Byrnes : Dina? Pam?

  Dina Byrnes : Yes, dad. I'm coming.

  Pam Byrnes : Little Jack?

  Roz Focker : [to Greg]  Honey, I said a thimble. Not a bottle.