Hal Smith: Mother Goose

Quotes 

• Mother Goose : [after she had warned Jack that his cow would be taken away if he wouldn't stop sucking it's udders]  I told you so, I told you so.

  Jack : Oh go h-h-hump a hamster you old t-t-transvestite!

• Mother Goose : [after the Cinderella story wraps up]  Well, now, didn't that end nice? Fairy tales always end like that, don't they?... Bullshit! You wanna know why they ended like that? Becuase they were afraid to tell the truth. Do you want to see what happily ever after was really like? OK, I'll show you happily ever after! This is what it was like 20 years into that beautiful sunset. The kingdom continued to slide into bankruptcy because the Prince couldn't get out of bed long enough to run it properly. Cinderella started popping kids out of her belly like biscuits from an oversexed oven until her figure was shot. Morta and the stepsisters ran out of money and had to move into the castle, because that was the easiest way to support them. The Prince took to fooling around with the local talent and got crabs. The stepsisters kept complaining. The kids kept crying. Morta nagged and bitched. The Prince bitched and itched. And Cinderella grew old before her time. That, kiddies, is what "lived happily ever after" is really like!

• Mother Goose : [after a squirrel bites Jack's penis for humping it's tree]  That's no way to collect nuts in May

  [squirrel gives her the finger] 

• Mother Goose : [to Jack]  What are you doing up that tree?

  Jack : [shushing her]  Can't you see that we're st-st-studying nature?

  [looks over at a woman bathing in a pond] 

• Mother Goose : [after the judge asks her if she's really Mother Goose]  You're fucking A right I am!

• Mother Goose : [preparing to tell the story of Jack and the Beanstalk]  Well, um, I guess I'd better start at the fucking beginning.