Kevin Spencer (1998–2005)

Greg Lawrence: Percy Spencer, Narrator

Quotes 

• Narrator : Kevin's father was told he was being dishonourably discharged from the Army. Those were some pretty big words for Kevin's father and he was unsure if it was a come on. So he punched the drill Sergeant in the face to avoid looking fruity.

• Percy : Never mind about that. Where's the smokes I asked you to bring me? I had to pinch out all butts in the ashtray to make rollies. Then I had to pinch out the rollie butts to make rollies out of the rollies. And then I smoked all the pepper.

• Narrator : Kevin thought he'd like to have another pet of his very own. Kevin never had that much luck with pets, because the voices in his head kept making him kill them. He briefly owned an alligator, but that didn't work out very well, either.

  [Shows Percy getting attacked by the alligator] 

• Anastasia : You, you eat like a pig!

  Percy : You LOOK like a pig!

• Percy : And that's why I weren't had no fuckin' pants on when you's found me, not because I was doin' nothing like them other times I got arrested for not havin' no fuckin' pants on!

• Percy : Look, I want a job as much as the next guy, but what with affirmative action, gay action, immigrant action, and me only havin' my Grade 7, ain't no jobs left for guys like me. Besides, I'm Percy Spencer. The world fuckin' owes me!

• [after getting a letter from a woman in prison and giving it to Peter Wilcox, his cellmate, to read for him] 

  Peter : Why do I have to read it?

  Percy : I can't read, and your hooked on phonics.

  Peter : I'm hooked on crack, you moron!

• [Percy talking to Charlie Plunt about his lousy love life with Anastasia] 

  Percy : She ain't been puttin' out for me ever since I called her a fat dumb whore.

• Percy : Help! I'm stuck in an elevator! And I'm out of smokes!

• Percy : If it ain't on TV then it's no-good know-how. Besides, I don't know how to fuckin' read and so far I ain't heard no one tell me a good reason for learnin'.

• Percy : If it ain't on TV then it's no-good know-how. Besides, I don't know how to fuckin' read and so far I ain't heard no one give me a good reason for learnin'!

• Percy : Never mind about that. Where's the smokes I asked you to bring me? I had to pinch out all the butts in the ashtray to make rollies. Then I had to pinch out the rolly butts to make rollies out of the rollies. And then I smoked all the pepper. Had you not've come back sooner I might've been desperate.

• Percy : Kiss my ass!

  Anastasia : Why don't you kiss my ass!

  Percy : Well, why don't you kiss my ass!

  Anastasia : Why don't you kiss my ass!

  Percy : Why don't you kiss my ass!

  Anastasia : Why don't you kiss my ass!

  Percy : Kiss my ass!

  Anastasia : Why don't you kiss my ass!

  Percy : KISS MY FUCKIN' ASS!

  [She punches him unconscious] 

• [Percy at the fairground hearing a breaking sound in the women's bathroom] 

  Percy : Holy shit! That sounds like ma's head hittin' the porcelain! Told her to go easy on the gin, it's a rough hangover!

• [while laughing at Anastasia for being hit in the head with a flying hubcap, he snorts milk out of his nose] 

  Percy : Oh, now you went and made me laugh my milk through my nose!

  Anastasia : Milk? What are you even doin' in the same room with a glass of milk?

  Percy : There's a contest on TV that says you can win a truck if you phone in the sounds you make while drinking milk.

  [Anastasia looks at him angrily] 

  Percy : Hi, I'm Percy, and this is the sound of me drinking milk

  [Drinks milk straight from the carton] 

  Percy : Ohhhh, fuck! It's been a while since I drank this stuff, hang on!

  [Belches while on speakerphone in the milk company's head's office on the other end] 

  Percy : How long's this shit been in the fridge?

  [Milk company head is silent] 

  Percy : Aw fuck it, I'll just steal a truck.

• Percy : Goddammit! Ma! The kid went and dug up all the dead animals in the yard again!

• [while talking to a cop after being caught for drunk driving] 

  Percy : Why aren't you arresting them?

  [Kevin & Anastasia] 

  Percy : They were drunk too!

  Officer : They weren't driving!

  Percy : Oh, and like that makes a fuckin' difference!

• Percy : Don't forget to ask for codine, boy! Papa likes codine!

• Anastasia Spencer : How come every plan you come up with always involves killing the boy?

  Percy : It just does!

• Percy : You don't mess with the Quebec Mafia. They're all ex-bikers and speak French.