Big Trouble (2002)

Tim Allen: Eliot Arnold

Photos 

Quotes 

• Eliot Arnold : Strip poker. Strip poker. Now, that's a good game.

  [Grabs a squirt gun away from Matt] 

  Eliot Arnold : This is a stupid game.

  Matt Arnold : Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.

  Eliot Arnold : You could've been killed. And where's your partner in crime?

  Matt Arnold : Andrew?

  Jenny Herk : He ran the other way.

  Eliot Arnold : Did anybody call the police?

  Anna Herk : [off-screen]  I'm making some coffee, you want some?

  Eliot Arnold : I'll call the police.

• Matt Arnold : I hope they don't have a dog.

  Eliot Arnold : [narrating]  As it turns out, the Herks did have a dog. His name was Roger and he was the random result of generations of hasty, unplanned dog sex.

• Eliot Arnold : [voice over]  Arthur Herk. One of the few Floridians who was *not* confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.

• Eliot Arnold : What *is* it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.

• Eliot Arnold : What does a guy like Arthur do for a living?

  Anna Herk : He's an executive at Penultra Corporation.

  Eliot Arnold : I did an article on them once. They built the jail downtown where the plumbing doesn't work. I called it, "Crapital Punishment."

  Anna Herk : Eliot Arnold, from The Herald? I used to read your column! You were so funny. What happened?

  Eliot Arnold : I lost my sense of humor in the divorce.

  [Anna laughs] 

• Eliot Arnold : How does a guy like Arthur end up with someone like you?

  Anna Herk : I married him when Jenny was little. My first husband left us kind of early, and we had to move to this crappy little apartment, and I met Arthur. He was different then. I keep looking up divorce lawyers in the phone book, but then I think about that horrible apartment.

  Eliot Arnold : It's unavailable. I live there.

  [Anna laughs again] 

• [Puggy lays down a heavy metal suitcase in the bar's stockroom] 

  John : Strong. Come back tomorrow one o'clock, maybe I have another job for you.

  [Later that evening, Puggy is walking beside a posh house, sees a banyan tree and pitches camp in its canopy] 

  Eliot Arnold : [v.o]  After only twenty-four hours in Miami, Puggy already had a more rewarding career and lived in a nicer neighborhood than I did.

• Eliot Arnold : Do you think someone's trying to kill your husband?

  Anna Herk : God, I hope so!

• Eliot Arnold : I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.

  Officer Walter Kramitz : If I don't see them, I don't write them.

• Arthur Herk : [to Eliot]  Now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.

  Eliot Arnold : Thanks for everything.

• Eliot Arnold : Let go of the suitcase!

  Snake : The Kingpin will never let go of the Kingpin's suitcase!

• Snake : [on seeing Eddie out cold on the floor]  Eddie... get up! Get up, you lazy shit!

  Eliot Arnold : [confronting Snake]  He's not lazy, he's unconscious.

• Matt Arnold : Dad, the goat kicked your Geo's ass.

  Eliot Arnold : The car is a piece of shit, OK?

• Bruce : [about his ad]  She should be bending over for maximum exposure.

  Eliot Arnold : [thinks about it]  Maximum exposure...

• Anna Herk : Listen, I'm sorry my husband's such an idiot.

  Eliot Arnold : He's probably really upset because someone shot his TV.

  Anna Herk : No, he's an idiot.

• Eliot Arnold : I say we blame the whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television.