- Mandy: [Mandy describes to Matt the importance of women's power of abstinence] Women have been doing this since, well, forever, so we know all about the power. See, us having the power, that's part of the system, and by you taking the power, you're fucking with the system. And I think you see why we can't let that happen.
- [Ryan finds his porn stash that Matt hid in a basket]
- Ryan: Do you know how many hours I spent looking for my "Temple of Poon" tape. One. That is a long time to be looking for porn, Matt. What the fuck is going on here?
- Bagel Guy: Yeah. Fire in the hole.
- Ryan: [upon learning Matt's given up sex for Lent] One - you can't do it. It's j... This isn't a personal attack towards you, I'm just saying that no man can do it. It goes against nature. The male was biologically designed to spread his seed, Matt. You're gonna piss off the seeds, man! You're gonna... It goes against science! You wanna be the guy who goes against science?
- Matt: [patiently] And two?
- Ryan: Two - are you out of your fucking mind? You're the guy who can't finish a sandwich! You think you can go 40 days? Four... Do... This isn't normal. Did your brother put you up to this or something?
- Matt: No. You know what? He's about as supportive as you are. And what do you care, anyway? This doesn't affect you in any way.
- Ryan: You... This affects everyone.
- Matt: Listen, isn't part of the priestly thing giving relationship advice?
- John Sullivan: Relationship advice, yes - sex advice, no. Part of the priestly thing - and stop calling it that - is not to have sex, remember?
- Matt: Now, it's funny - I didn't say a thing about sex.
- John Sullivan: Sure you did.
- Matt: No, I didn't. I guess thinking about sex *is* part of the priestly thing - at least for some.
- John Sullivan: Get out.
- Matt: Fine.
- Erica: Don't you ever feel like you just keep meeting the same exact people over and over? You know, like people that went to *this* kind of college and...
- Matt: And now in *that* kind of job, right?
- Erica: Yeah. I wanna have a party with a list on my door of all my friends and friends of friends, and if you're on that list, or know somebody on that list, then you cannot come in.
- Matt: How do you know I am not on that list?
- Erica: Nobody on that list would have talked to me like you did last week, or *not* talked to me.
- Erica: [On her job as a Cyber Nanny] Some days I think that if I have to look at another blowjob I'll scream.
- Matt: [bursting into his brother's chamber] You gotta help me!
- John Sullivan: You gotta knock!
- Matt: I'm seeing things! I swear to God, everywhere I look I'm seeing tits and ass. When I came in here, I swear to God, I thought I saw you kissing a nun. Oh, my God! You *were* kissing a nun!
- Candy: [describing the typical sexuality of men] They're like animals. Their entire lives revolve around their penises.
- Nicole: [as she's getting thrown out of Matt's apartment] Matt, I am... so mad that I have... I have to tell you. Watching you standing up for yourself like this has never made me so... so... hot. I *like* this. Where have *you* been? You can slam that door in my face if you want, but I'll just be on the other side, even hotter. Holy Hell! Slam that door in my dirty, bad, bad face. Oh, God, Matt, slam it!
- [slam]
- Matt: You gotta help me. You gotta light a candle for me or something.
- John Sullivan: I'm not lighting a candle so you can feel better about getting laid!
- Ryan: Look, Matt, I know you're still trying to work out your Nicole issues with the big black hole, but trust me, trust me...
- Matt: I don't have any Nicole issues.
- Ryan: ...you...
- [Ryan picks up an old picture of Matt and Nicole]
- Ryan: 'Hi, I'm one of the many pictures of Nicole that infest Ryan and Matt's apartment after six months.' And she's hot, Matt, I don't mind looking at her. I'm just saying you have issues.
- Jerry Anderson: I've jerked off three times since lunch. I still got this fucking hard-on.
- Mikey: Way to go, Mr. Anderson. Two more and you break the company record.
- [in the toilet, Matt discovers Jerry is in the next booth masturbating]
- Matt: Jerry?
- Jerry Anderson: Uh, Jerry's not here right now. May I take a message?
- Walter Sullivan: They're grown men. I mean, they're old enough to know that their mother's machine is still running hot.
- Bagel Guy: [Unaware he's talking to Matt about his former girlfriend] Whew, I can't believe it because that girl, you can't even look right at her. She's so hot you need one of those cardboard eclipse-watching things just to look directly at her, she's so radiantly hot! It makes me want to just throw her down, you know, and just
- [hip-thrusts the table before him]
- Bagel Guy: . You know what I mean? I'm glad we can connect on that.
- Ryan: [Giving sex advice to Matt] All right, all right, all right. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna strap a helmet on Big John, put him in the game, and he will play his little heart out, okay? He'll put up big numbers for you. You're gonna forget about the cracks in the ceiling, forget about Nicole. Go out and give your star player the support he needs. Right?
- Chris: If you want to get laid you take a chick to a fancy restaurant, but if you really like her you take her to your secret place.
- Matt: Yesterday, I was fine. I mean, physically speaking, I was fine. But today? I'm not fine. This morning at the coffee shop they were unofficially sponsoring Hot Women Wearing No Bras Day.
- Sam: [Scene opens after Erica has told Sam about her date the night before, during which she experienced an orgasm though she wasn't touched] From a Flower? Like a vibrating flower?
- [to Matt on why he should tell Erica about his vow]
- Ryan: Dude, you got to tell her. Seriously. You can pass off two dates without a kiss as old fashioned - you go three and you're a homo.