Cats & Dogs (2001)
Jon Lovitz: Calico
Quotes
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Mr. Tinkles : You!
Calico : Aah!
Mr. Tinkles : Tell me... Is the game afoot?
Calico : Uhhh... yes?
Mr. Tinkles : WHY IS THE GAME AFOOT?
Calico : Uhh... I... I mean no...
Mr. Tinkles : Ah, excellent. So the puppy is dead. Now, we can move on to...
Calico : Wait, wait... Can i change my answer?
Mr. Tinkles : [exasperated] Is the puppy alive or not?
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Mr. Tinkles : The ninjas failed, and failure is unacceptable! If they ever show their faces again, you know what to do.
Calico : Yes. Tell them to wash with a loofah sponge. Kidding! Hello? Joke!
Mr. Tinkles : This can't be happening. I want them ELIMINATED!
Calico : But they did manage to bug the phone. So maybe we can look at the glass as half full.
[Mr. Tinkles growls and throws the roll at Calico]
Calico : Ow! That's what I like to do.
Mr. Tinkles : Oh, putting a happy face on things. What an interesting philosophy. At what point did you forget WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?
-
[Whilst driving like an imbecile]
Calico : [shouting] Get out of the road you lunatic!
-
Mr. Tinkles : Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow. How many dogs does it take to over throw mankind? Just one stupid puppy.
Lou : Where is my family?
Mr. Tinkles : Oh they're alive, for now, but it won't matter, you see I've-
[the limousine swerves all over the road Mr Tinkles hits the left side of the limousine]
Mr. Tinkles : Oh my. This isn't NASCAR you idiot.
[Clears throat]
Mr. Tinkles : I have seized the professor's formula, and in a mere hour I will reverse it, giving me the power to make all humans allergic to dogs.
Butch : What?
[the limousine swerves again]
Mr. Tinkles : How am supposed to gloat gleefully when you're driving like a chimpanzee? I mean, really!
[Clears throat]
Mr. Tinkles : Now I will make all of humanity violently allergic to your wretched kind, and when you are all hated and despised by those you protect, you will be cast out, leaving me to lead all of catkind in a glorious revolution to conquer the world!
[laughs evilly]
Lou : What will we do?
Butch : "We"? You just handed the world back to the cats and doomed the human race forever. There is nothing left to do.
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog : You always give up too easy, Butch.
Butch : Is that what I think it is?
Lou : What, Butch?
Ivy, the Female Alley Dog : Yep, it's the Cat Tracker 2000.
Mr. Tinkles : [the Scene changes. The limousine is driving back to the factory with the professor's Formula] Those fleabags must be running for the hills!
[Chuckles]
Calico : Yeah I- yeah that's what I was thinking.
-
Sophie the Maid : [Sophie is washing Mr Tinkles. She finishes and puts him on the bath room flour, then leaves] I forgot your bow! Your pretty bow!
Mr. Tinkles : [after she has closed the door] When I rule the earth, you will be the first on my list.
Calico : [Coming from behind the toilet] Hey, you should keep your hair like that. It's very slimming!
Mr. Tinkles : There's plenty of room on that list for you.
Calico : [coming out towards Mr Tinkles] No, I mean it.
Mr. Tinkles : What? We only have a few days to succeed. And although playing pet for that sick old man upstairs is key to my ingenious scheme, I can not take this humiliation any longer. Am I clear?
Calico : Erm...
Mr. Tinkles : Never mind. The puppy won't survive the night. Send in the ninjas.
-
Calico : [the limousine is recklessly driving to the factory gate] Brakes! Gas! Brake!
[the limousine stops at the gate]
Cat : Are we going to get away with this?
Mr. Tinkles : [speaking like Mr Mason] Watch me.
[the passenger window where Mr Tinkles is rolls down. The guard stands back in shock seeing Mr mason is there]
Guard at Factory Gate : Uhh, Mr Mason. What a surprise sir.
Mr. Tinkles : [still talking like Mr Mason] Good morning, human guard. Let us in... that is all.
[the windows closes]
Guard at Factory Gate : Uhh uhh... of course sir.
Calico : Gas it up down there and step on it. Get off the brakes, people!
[the limousine speeds into the factory grounds]
