- Dex: Look at me. Look at me, okay? Technically, I shouldn't be getting laid, but I do. And do you know why, Dave? Because when I'm hanging out with a woman, that's all I'm doing is hanging out, talking, listening. I'm not sitting there thinking about how to get in bed with her. And this completely confuses them because they're saying "Wait a minute. I'm so much better looking than this guy. Isn't he attracted to me?" The basic principle: We pursue that which retreats from us.
- Rick: It's from Heidegger.
- Unnamed Guy Playing Poker: Groucho Marks said the same thing. "Act like a woman can't join your club, and she'll do almost anything to get in."
- Dex: Do you want to have sex with this woman?
- Dave: Definitely.
- Dex: Okay, then you're violating the first rule of being Steve.
- Dave: Who?
- Dex: You must learn to eliminate your desire.
- Rick: It's Buddhist.
- Dex: I think the Taoists said it first.
- Rick: Hey, are we gonna have a seminar or are we gonna play golf?
- Dex: Just a short seminar on the elimination of desire, okay? If you're out with this girl and even THINKING about getting laid, you're finished, cuz women can smell an agenda like shit on a shoe.
- Dex: Both men and women want to have sex. It's natural, except we're on different timetables. Women want to have sex, like, y'know, fifteen minutes after us, so alright, if you hold out for twenty she'll be chasing you for five.
- Priest: Dex, I find it hard to believe that someone of your, uh...
- Dex: Moral turpitude?
- Priest: Yeah, would ever consider being a priest.
- Dex: Ya know, actually, I was accepted to Divinity school.
- Priest: Really? So what happened?
- Dex: It's like St. Augustine said, ya know: "Lord, give me chastity and virtue, but not just yet."
- Dex: Steve is the prototypical cool American male. Y'know, I'm talking about Steve McGarrett, alright? Steve Austin, Steve McQueen. Y'know, he's the guy on his horse, the guy alone. He has his own code of honor, his own code of ethics, his own rules of living, man. He never, ever tries to impress the women but he always gets the girl.
- Dex: I'm gonna tell you this one last time and maybe you should tattoo it on your dick so you don't forget, okay? "We pursue that which retreats from us."
- Dex: The Tao of Steve isn't about picking up lots of women. It's about being the best person you can be, and I'm not.
- Dex: You think all Buddhist monks are like the Dalai Lama? I mean, you don't there are guys in Nepal, right, who are like, "What should I do? Should I carry packs of heavy shit for Westerners up to the top of the base camp on Mt. Everest, or should I stay down here in Katmandu and maybe just chant all day and check out chicks and pretend to be holy?"
- Dex: Y'know, no one ever says, "Hey, God, how was your day? What can I do for you, God?" Or, "Hey, God, did you catch Letterman last night?"
- Syd: Oh, and I suppose you talk to God like that?
- Dex: Always. All the time.
- Syd: And what does God say?
- Dex: He says, "You know what? I saw Letterman and it sucked."
- Dex: You can't just go up to a woman and say, 'Hi! I'm Dave! I like smoking pot, reading the sports page on the john... wanna have sex with me?'
- Dex: [Dex, talking to his dog] Quit looking at me like that! You're acting like a co-dependant girlfriend!
- Dex: But I think seriously that most people want a composite of the opposite sex. Ya know, cuz you gals aren't ever going to find Antonio Banderas with the personality of Fred MacMurray. And I'm never going to get Rachel Welch with the personality of Lucille Ball.
- Syd: What's wrong with just Lucille Ball?
- Rick: What's wrong with just Rachel Welch?
- Dex: Amen! I mean my biggest fear is that I'm gonna marry the woman that I want to hang out with and talk to in my golden years and then die in a fiery car crash when I'm forty and I miss all those years of having sex.
- Dex: And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness.
- Dex: And that takes us to Part III of the Tao of Steve, okay? Alright, after you've eliminated your desire, and after you've been excellent in her presence, then you must retreat. Okay?
- Dex: Why would I lie about a spider?
- Syd: You lied about the spider so you could get in my tent, so...
- Dex: So what?
- Syd: So you could... you know, make a move on me.
- Dex: You are such a self-aggrandizing, solipsistic ego queen, you don't even know.
- Syd: Did you just say solipsistic?
- Dex: I most certainly did.
- Syd: I love that word.
- Dex: I do too.
- Syd: Don't even think about it.
- Dex: ...solipsistic