Bedazzled (2000)

Frances O'Connor: Alison, Nicole

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alison Gardner : Don't you think that secular humanism is yummy?

• Alison Gardner : I just had to tell you how much I loved your novel "Always Toujours."

  Elliot Richards : Well, I was just trying to make a simple point, really. Every time I've reread Camus and Sartre, I kept thinking to myself, "Why does the existential dilemma have to be so damned bleak?"

  Alison Gardner : Yes.

  Elliot Richards : Yes, we're alone in the universe. Yes, life is meaningless, death is inevitable. But is that necessarily so depressing?

  Alison Gardner : I couldn't agree more. Don't you think secular humanism is yummy?

  Elliot Richards : Oh, delish.

• [Elliot as the most emotionally sensitive man is being abandoned by Alison] 

  Elliot : I can't handle this kind of rejection. Why don't you want to stay?

  Alison : You want to know why, Elliot? Because you're just *too* sensitive! I'm about to go out of my mind! It's been wonderful, and God knows I love you, but enough is enough! I just want to be with a man who'll ignore me and take me for granted, who's only pretending to be interested in who I am and what I think so he can get into my pants.

  Jerry : That would be me.

  Alison : Oh, thank you! Let's get out of here.

  Elliot : Alison! Wait! Alison! I'll get into your pants!

• Elliot Richards : [as the handsome, articulate author Elliot]  Do you know the largest organ in the human body?

  Alison Gardner : [looks down; flirtatiously]  I can guess...

  Elliot Richards : [sing-songy]  You'd be wrong.

  [they laugh] 

  Elliot Richards : It's your integumentary system. Your creamy... soft... and completely desirable skin.

• [Elliot has just wished to be the President of the United States; his wish pulls him into the lobby of an antiquated theater with Alison appearing as a courtly woman in 1860s garb] 

  Alison Gardner : Mr. President! Alison Gardner. We're so honored to have you here, sir.

  [Elliot turns to look in the mirror and realizes he's Abraham Lincoln on April 14th, 1865 at Ford's Theatre - the night of his asssassination] 

  Elliot Richards : Oh, no, no, no, no.

  Alison Gardner : The actors are beside themselves with excitement.

  Elliot Richards : We're going to a play?

  Alison Gardner : I think you'll find it quite amusing. It's called "Our American Cousin".

  Elliot Richards : You know, I think I've seen it. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I have.

  Alison Gardner : I don't think you've seen it, sir. It's an entirely new play.

  Elliot Richards : Really? I think I know how it ends.

• [Elliot as his 7'6'' basketball player self - dressed only in a towel - is being interviewed in the locker room by Alison who is now a sports writer] 

  Alison Gardner : God, you were incredible tonight. Watching you... I just kept thinking how unbelievably *big* your ego must be after a game like that.

  Elliot Richards : Well, not that big, really.

  Alison Gardner : I bet it's pretty big.

  Elliot Richards : Well, it gets a little bit bigger.

  [they both laugh] 

  Elliot Richards : Depends on how happy I am!

  [laughing harder] 

  Elliot Richards : Want to go back to my place? I'll show you my bottle cap collection.

  Alison Gardner : Oh, God, that would... that would be tremendous.

  Elliot Richards : All right! Well... I should... I should get dressed.

  Alison Gardner : I can't wait.

  [Alison makes it clear she's not going anywhere. Elliot sheepishly disrobes his towel; though the audience can't see, it's clear from their reactions that Elliot's great height may be compensating for something...] 

  Alison Gardner : Oh, my God.

  Elliot Richards : [howling]  Hey! What the hell?

  Alison Gardner : God, there's this...

  Elliot Richards : [Alison holds her ears in pain as Elliot howls again]  Hey! Damn! Oh, heck!

  Alison Gardner : Oh, God, I remembered there's this teeny, tiny thing to do.

  Elliot Richards : What's teeny?

  Alison Gardner : No, no. Just something I have to write.

  Elliot Richards : About me?

  Alison Gardner : Yeah, just a little, short, itty-bitty blurb about tonight's game.

  Elliot Richards : Well, can I see you after the road trip?

  Alison Gardner : I would love to, but I'm working on a really *big, huge, enormous* story on the NFL, so I probably won't have time.

  Elliot Richards : Shoot, I understand. You gotta give 110%.

  Alison Gardner : Right.

  Elliot Richards : Stay within yourself.

  Alison Gardner : Hey, go, yeah. Hey, um... thanks for your time.

  Elliot Richards : So long.

  [she leaves; Elliot looks down at himself] 

  Elliot Richards : What the hell? Oh, damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell!