Zoolander (2001)
Ben Stiller: Derek Zoolander
Photos
Quotes
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Derek Zoolander : Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
Derek Zoolander : If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
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Derek Zoolander : I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
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Derek Zoolander : What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
Mugatu : Derek, this is just a small...
Derek Zoolander : I don't wanna hear your excuses! The building has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
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Derek Zoolander : I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.
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Derek Zoolander : There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".
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Derek Zoolander : But why male models?
J.P. Prewitt : Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.
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Matilda : Derek that was unbelievable!
Derek Zoolander : I know! I turned left!
Matilda : Yeah, that too, but Derek, you saved the prime minister of Malaysia!
Derek Zoolander : Oh, right, cool.
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Derek Zoolander : Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Matilda : Honestly?
Hansel : Yes.
Matilda : I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Hansel : I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
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Matilda : I've been trying to reach you for a week.
Derek Zoolander : A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Matilda : That was last Friday.
Derek Zoolander : Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
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J.P. Prewitt : Male models don't think for themselves.
Derek Zoolander : That's not true!
J.P. Prewitt : Yes it is, Derek.
Derek Zoolander : [meekly] Okay.
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Hansel : I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Derek Zoolander : I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
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Derek Zoolander : [looking at the sky] Who am I?
Derek Zoolander : [phone rings] God?
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Matilda : When I was in 7th grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.
Derek Zoolander : Ew!
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J.P. Prewitt : The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
Derek Zoolander : Mugatu!
J.P. Prewitt : [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
Matilda : Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
J.P. Prewitt : You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!
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Larry Zoolander : I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander : Mer-man!
[high-pitched cough]
Derek Zoolander : Mer-man!
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Hansel : So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
Derek Zoolander : And?
Hansel : And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
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Hansel : Excuse me, bra.
Derek Zoolander : You're excused, and I'm not your bra!
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Derek Zoolander : Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us.
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Derek Zoolander : Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."
Matilda : Do what for a career?
Derek Zoolander : Be professionally good looking.
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Derek Zoolander : Or are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?
Matilda : A what?
Derek Zoolander : A eugoogoolizer... one who speaks at funerals.
[Matilda looks at Derek confused]
Derek Zoolander : Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?
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Derek Zoolander : I'm not an ambi-turner.
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VH1 Reporter : Derek, are you worried about Hansel?
Derek Zoolander : Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel.
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Brint : Or the way Hansel combs his hair?
Meekus : Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?
Brint : I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
Meekus : Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
Brint : Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, okay I knew that!
Meekus : Uh earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you *didn't* know it was a joke!
Brint : I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
Meekus : Earth to Brint...
Derek Zoolander : Would you guys stop it already?
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Derek Zoolander : So join now, 'cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?
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Derek Zoolander : How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?
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Derek Zoolander : You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't.
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Maury Ballstein : What do we do when we fall off the horse?
Derek Zoolander : [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently] ... fall off the horse...
Maury Ballstein : [looking to supply finish] ... we... get back on!
Derek Zoolander : Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.
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Derek Zoolander : How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?
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Billy Zane : Hey, Derek, back on top, man.
Derek Zoolander : Thanks, Billy. You rock.
Billy Zane : No, you rock. When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?
Derek Zoolander : Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.
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Derek Zoolander : Pretty soon, they'll be reading *our* eugoogaly!
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Derek Zoolander : You mean, you haven't...
Matilda : Done it in a while, yeh.
Hansel : Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?
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Hansel : Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.
Derek Zoolander : Fine.
Hansel : Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Derek Zoolander : Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Hansel : Well, you go first.
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Matilda : What time is it?
Derek Zoolander : Almost five.
Matilda : What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...
Hansel : Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."
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Derek Zoolander : What say we settle this on the runway... Han-Solo?
Hansel : Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-Lander?
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Derek Zoolander : Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested.
Matilda : What?
Derek Zoolander : I can't sleep with you OK? My head is killing me...
Matilda : What are you talking about?
Derek Zoolander : OK, if you just want to fool around or...
Matilda : WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you!
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Derek Zoolander : Who am I?
Derek's Reflection : I don't know.
Derek Zoolander : I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.
Hansel : The results are in, amigo! What's left to ponder?
[Derek stares at Hansel]
Hansel : Nice comeback!
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Derek Zoolander : [to Winona Ryder] Look, I gotta go pee, but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.
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Derek Zoolander : Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?
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Derek Zoolander : Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?
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Derek Zoolander : Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.
Matilda : What?
Derek Zoolander : A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?
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Derek Zoolander : Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.
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Derek Zoolander : God?
Maury Ballstein : God? What the shit are you talkin' about. It's me, Maury.
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Matilda : I became...
Hansel : What?
Matilda : Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander : You can read minds?
Matilda : It's where you throw up after every meal!
Derek Zoolander : [laughing] Matilda! Matilda! SO WHAT? I've thrown up after *lots* of meals!
Hansel : Yeah! It's a great way to lose pounds before a show!
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Winona Ryder : I just thought the way that you handled losing that award to Hansel and then you started to lay low for awhile and then made your comeback, that was so courageous.
Derek Zoolander : Look, I got to go pee, but I would really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.
Winona Ryder : Yeah.
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Derek Zoolander : I'm sorry I was wack.
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Derek Zoolander : What? Are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?
Matilda : A what?
Derek Zoolander : A eugoogoolizer... you know one who speaks at funerals.
[Matilda looks at Derek confused]
Derek Zoolander : Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?
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Derek Zoolander : Oh, Snap!
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Derek Zoolander : Seriously, do you like service yourself ten times a day?
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Derek Zoolander : Put a cork in it, Zane!
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Derek Zoolander : For serious.
