Dirt Merchant (1999)
Danny Masterson: Dirt Merchant
Quotes
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Detective Harry Ball : You have the right to shut up. Anything you say, can and will piss me off! If you can't afford a shyster attorney, we will assign you an overworked loser, who doesn't give a shit and will screw up your case anyway. Now, do you understand your rights?
Dirt Merchant : Yeah, I understand. This is a total frameup. Speaking of rights, where's your warrant anyway?
Detective Harry Ball : Huh? What?
Detective Harry Ball : [checking pockets and finding nothing] Shit!
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[after looking at a series of portraits of Holly So Tightly alongside famous singers]
Dirt Merchant : Unbelievable!
Holly So Tightly : What is?
Dirt Merchant : You've humped half of my record collection.
Holly So Tightly : Whatever...
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Dirt Merchant : I knew it all along. But why? Huh? Why?
Holly So Tightly : Why do you think? Johnny, Eric, Bart... they didn't love me. All they wanted was sex!
Dirt Merchant : You're a fucking porn star. What the hell do you expect?
Holly So Tightly : I'm not whore! Like help put my career, some real respect, and maybe a half decent orgasm once in a while!
Dirt Merchant : What about Ronnie? Huh?
Holly So Tightly : Figure it out, "Encyclopedia Brown"!
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[Holly So Tightly suddenly stops her car around the runaway Dirt Merchant]
Holly So Tightly : Come with me if you wanna leave.
Dirt Merchant : Huh?
Holly So Tightly : Don't worry, I know you're innocent!
Dirt Merchant : You do?
Holly So Tightly : Just get in the car!
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[after Dirt Merchants' roommates get paid by a reporter and start talking provocatively about him]
Holly So Tightly : Consider yourself lucky...
[pulls Dirt Merchant to bed with her]
Holly So Tightly : ...at least you still have friends!
Holly So Tightly : My last three guys... Eric, Bart, John... dead! Gone!
[puts her arm around him and starts crying]
Holly So Tightly : I mean, do I have bad Karma or what?
Dirt Merchant : Maybe, you know... but ah... well, sometimes... shit just happens.
Holly So Tightly : Ah... you are so understanding.
Dirt Merchant : Thanks.
Holly So Tightly : Kiss me, you tool!
[kisses him]
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[after Dirt Merchant joins Holly So Tightly per her request in centering himself via meditation]
Holly So Tightly : Ok, I'm centered. Now do me dirty, Dirt!
[jumps him]
Holly So Tightly : [Holly So Tightly mounts Dirt Merchant aggressively in a pool's corner]
Holly So Tightly : [afterwards] I hope you don't mind me using you like a hapless sack of meat. But you know, sometimes a girl just gotta have it.
Dirt Merchant : [breathing to relax] Yeah, no problem, I guess...
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[Holly So Tightly walks around the pool topless after she slept with Dirt Merchant]
Dirt Merchant : Watching her reminded me of something Sly would have said. "There's no such thing as fake tits".
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Angie : Look obviously this was a bad idea and I have to get back for a meeting. You have my card, maybe we can do lunch sometime.
Dirt Merchant : Sure, that'd be great. You know, thanks for coming by. It was really nice seeing you and er, congratulations on your new job.
Angie : You really mean it?
Dirt Merchant : Sure. Happy for you Ang.
Angie : Thanks, call me okay? Let's be friends.
Dirt Merchant : Absolutely.
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Dirt Merchant : Angie, how are you?
Angie : Yeah, I need to hire a detective.
Dirt Merchant : To do what?
Angie : Find a missing person.
Dirt Merchant : Who might that be?
Angie : My ex-boyfriend.
Dirt Merchant : What is his name again?
Angie : Dirt, if he doesn't kiss me right now.
[they go to kiss each other but Dirt stops it]
Dirt Merchant : Wait just so you're aware.
Angie : Of what?
Dirt Merchant : That we're friends, just friends.
Angie : Whatever.
[they kiss]