Dirty Work (1998)

Artie Lange: Sam

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Quotes 

• [Sam and Mitch have learned that they are half-brothers] 

  Mitch : Hey, hey! Hey, you remember in 5th grade when I was under the monkey bars and I sneaked a peek at your sister's underwear? Remember that? Hey, no no! I was sneaking a peek at my *own* sister's underwear!

  Sam : That's right! Yeah, and then remember in the 12th grade, you had sex with her?

  Mitch : [short awkward silence]  Okay, enough reminisicing.

• Kathy : You guys are brothers?

  Mitch : Well, it's a long story...

  Sam : My dad boned his mom.

  Mitch : Okay, it's a short story.

• Sam : Well, Mitch, looks like we got ourselves a fight, huh?

  Mitch : Great, it's fightin' time! Can I be on their side?

• Sam : Hey, doc, what happened to your foot?

  Dr. Farthing : What I don't understand is... when you owe a bookie a lot of money, and he, say, blows off one of your toes, you still owe him the money. Doesn't seem fair to me. Especially when he's gonna kill me in four days anyway.

• Dr. Farthing : For six hundred dollars, I can sell you a perfectly good hospital bed.

  Sam : Are you crazy? I don't need a bed!

  Dr. Farthing : [Nods, and gives the famous Chevy Chase "ingratiating stare."]  Playing hardball, are you? Okay, five fifty.

• [Mitch and Sam screen a movie called "Men in Black Who Like to Have Sex With Each Other" to get revenge against Mr. Hamilton] 

  Screen Voice #1 : Look! An alien!

  Screen Voice #2 : Yeah. We'd better have sex with each other.

  [Sam discreetly looks at the screen] 

  Mitch : Note to self: Sam just looked at the screen.

  Sam : No, I didn't! I was just making sure that the reel had...!

  Screen Voice #1 : Hey! This alien looks just like a hot guy!

  Screen Voice #2 : You're right. We'd better have sex with him.

• Mitch : Hey, Sam, movie line!

  Sam : [Sam wriggles down his pants and pushes his arse against the open window to moon a line of movie-goers from the car]  Whoo-hoooo! How ya like THAT!

  [Mitch stops the car next to the curb and walks across the street, away from the car, leaving Sam mooning the crowd. Sam, humiliated, pulls his trousers back up and exits the car] 

  Sam : He was supposed to keep driving.

  [Sam chases after Mitch] 

• Sam : So, you mean to tell me that that sweet girl's grandmother runs a whorehouse out of the building we're about to destroy?

  Mitch : Yeah, I feel awful doing this to Kathy.

  Sam : Hey, uh, Mitch, you're really starting to like this Kathy, aren't ya?

  Mitch : [with a huge, smirking grin]  Nooooooo.

  Sam : Mitch, I know you, man. When you say "no" like that, you really mean yes.

  Mitch : What are ya talking about?

  Sam : Watch, I'll show you. Mitch, uh, did you ever rob a bank?

  Mitch : [definitely]  No.

  Sam : Did you ever climb Mount Everest?

  Mitch : [more definitely]  No.

  Sam : Did you ever say that you can see why women find Sean Connery sexy?

  Mitch : [with a huge, smirking grin]  Nooooooo. - Okay, so I like Kathy a little bit. Man, I hate the fact that we have to destroy her grandmother's building.

  [pause] 

  Mitch : But we have to.

  Sam : Yep.

  [They jump into the car] 

• Mitch : Sam, tonight we make a wad of cash for doing something that comes natural to us, you know? Revenge! I'm telling you, we should open a revenge-for-hire business.

  Sam : I never heard of a revenge-for-hire business.

  Mitch : Exactly - we'd be the first! With every genius business idea, there's gotta be a first. Like, like the guy who first thought of delivering pizza to people's houses. Or, uh, the guy who invented crack.

  Sam : Who's gonna hire us?

  Mitch : Oh, Sam, I have a feeling that people are gonna pay us a lot of money to do their dirty work.

• Sam : You cheated on Mom?

  Pops : No, she was there too. Who do you think took the picture?

• Mitch : Sam, are you pissing off the side of the building?

  Sam : Sorta.

• Travis Cole : Mitch, Sam. What a pleasant surprise.

  Sam : Yeah. Where's our money?

  Travis Cole : [feigning confusion]  What money?

  Mitch : You owe us $50,000 for getting the building at 99 Franklin Street condemned. We want it now!

  Travis Cole : But, Mitch, I don't even own the building at 99 Franklin. Well, I told you I did, but I lied. Good luck trying to prove it.

  Sam : Son of a bitch!

  Travis Cole : You see, once you stopped my bulldozer from leveling that old lady's house, I couldn't just let you get away with it. So I figured out a way for you to help me and hurt you at the same time. I guess I showed you guys a thing or two about dirty work.

  Sam : Yeah, whatever, but we're not leaving here 'til we get our fifty grand.

• Sam : [after Mitch has been thrown out of his apartment]  I'm guessing by the looks of that popcorn machine she threw you out for good.

• Sam : [to Travis Cole's goons]  How about we kick every one of your asses, and then we go up and kick Cole's ass too?

  [Scene changes to Sam stumbling out of the building and Mitch being thrown out] 

• Mitch : [referring to Hamilton]  That guy's gonna be our boss? Man! After a speech like that, how does he expect us not to screw him over?

  Theater Worker : I said the same thing during my first day working for Hamilton, only that nobody does anything about it.

  Mitch : Well trust me and this isn't just talk, but nobody screws me over like that.

  Sam : Yeah, me neither.

  Theater Worker : Sorry, guys. I can't help you out. I need this job. But if you really screw over Hamilton, I'll give you ten bucks.

  Theater Worker : Mark me down for twenty!