Romy and Michele's High School Reunion (1997)

Janeane Garofalo: Heather

Photos 

Quotes 

• Romy : Heather, um, has anyone ever told you that smoking can kill you?

  Heather : No. No one. Thank you.

• Heather : [attempting to light a cigarette, turns and sees the cowboy offering her a light]  Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what do you want?

  Cowboy : You were right, I was a brain dead redneck asshole. Though I never screwed a sheep or my sister.

  Heather : Why not, couldn't catch 'em?

• Heather : Do you live with Michele Weinberger?

  Romy : Yeah.

  Heather : I just figured she'd be married to Sandy by now.

  Romy : Sandy Frink?

  Heather : Yes, Sandy Frink! He could barely contain his erection every time she walked by! Why do you think he always carried around that huge notebook?

  Romy : The Frink-a-zoid and Michele... I'm sure! Besides, didn't *you* have a thing for Sandy in high school?

  Heather : I did not have a THING! I did not have a thing, I did NOT have a THING! I was VERY much in love with him! VERY much in love and there's a difference!

  [to customer behind her] 

  Heather : There's a difference!

  [to Romy] 

  Heather : There's a difference! I have to go now!

• Heather : This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

  Michele : OK, I don't even know what you're talking about cause of those words, but come here.

• [Heather thinks she's never made anyone's life hell] 

  Toby Walters : Since you never got around to it in high school, I was wondering if you would sign my yearbook. And please don't tell me to fuck off, because it really hurts my feelings.

  Heather : I hurt your feelings?

  Toby Walters : Yeah, all the time.

  Heather : Tremendous! That's tremendous! Go get your stupid yearbook, I would be happy to sign it!

• Heather : Why don't you tell everyone I said to go fuck themselves for making my teen years a living hell?

• Heather : Wow, all that time you guys were making my life hell, the A group was doing the same thing to you! I had no idea!

  Michele : You know? I bet in high school, everybody made somebody's life hell.

  Heather : Nope, sorry, never had the opportunity.

  Michele : I bet that's not true...

  Heather : You think?

  Michele : Oh, yeah, you were really unpleasant.

• Heather : Okay, cowboy, I don't know what your trip is, but if this is some kind of a sick game... If you fuck with me, in any way, I will rip each and every appendage from your body, starting with your dick. Capice?

• [the secret of her cigarette paper invention] 

  Heather : Twice the taste in half the time for the gal on the go.

• Heather : [to the cowboy]  Why are you tormenting me? Why don't you go fuck a sheep, or your sister, or *yourself*? Braindead redneck asshole!

• Heather : [after the Cowboy says he wants to talk to her]  Okay. What the hell! What is your name?

  Cowboy : Clarence.

  Heather : I like your hat, Clarence. Pick up the pace!

• Romy : [reading the customer paperwork]  Heather? Heather Mooney? From Sagebrush High in Tuscon?

  Heather : [disinterested yet quietly anxious]  Yeah?

  Romy : [excitedly]  It's Romy! Romy White!

  Heather : [disinterestedly taking a drag from her cigarette]  You're shittin' me.

  Romy : No! This is so weird - I didn't know you were living in L.A.

  Heather : Well, now that you know, will we be getting together a lot?

• Romy : Well, anyways, are you going?

  Heather : [referring to her cigarette]  I'd rather put this out in my ass!

• Heather : What a waste of a tank of gas!

• Heather : Uh, he's not here. I already asked Toby Dumbfuck.