Men in Black (1997)

Rip Torn: Zed

Photos 

Quotes 

• Zed : You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.

• James Edwards : Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?

  Zed : [noticing a recruit raising his hand]  Son?

  Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson : Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!

  Zed : [throws Edwards a contemptible glance as Edwards laughs]  What's so funny, Edwards?

  James Edwards : Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.

• Jay : Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?

  Zed : The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.

• [to candidates rejected as MIB agents] 

  Zed : Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. Now please step this way, as we provide you with our final test: an eye exam...

  [a series of flashes occur] 

• [In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl] 

  Zed : May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?

  James Edwards : Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.

  Zed : How'd you come to that conclusion?

  James Edwards : Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.

  [pause] 

  James Edwards : Or do I owe her an apology?

  [pause] 

  James Edwards : That's a good shot though...

• Zed : Kay, give the kid a weapon.

  [Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle] 

  Kay : A Series Four De-atomizer.

  Jay : That's what I'm talkin' about.

  Kay : [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay]  Noisy Cricket.

  Jay : [stares the weapon in disgust]  Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you - you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I - I get a little - little midgy cricket?

  Kay : [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction]  WHOA! Kid...

  [grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him] 

  Jay : Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!

• Zed : We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.

• Kay : Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.

  Jay : A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?

  Kay : One hour.

  Jay : One hour... then what?

  [the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."] 

  Jay : Oh, now that's bullshit.

  [the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins] 

  Kay : Look, kid, to keep the bugs from getting it, the Arquillians WILL destroy that galaxy.

  Zed : And whatever planet it's on.

  Jay : You're talking about us?

  Zed : [chuckles]  Sucks, huh?

• Zed : Edwards. Let's put it on.

  Edwards : Put what on?

  Zed : The last suit you'll ever wear.

• Kay : Z, get a containment unit to come down to the city morgue...

  Zed : Containment will be of little point, old friend. Most of the aliens and ships are gone already. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets the cheque...

  [sees the worms are leaving] 

  Zed : You miserable little ingrates!

• Zed : You're late. Sit down.

  [Edwards takes the remaining chair. The elevator doors slide shut. Zed continues addressing the Recruits] 

  Zed : My name is Zed. You're all here because you're the best of the best. Marines, Navy SEALS, Army Rangers... NYPD. And we're looking for one of you. Just one. What will follow is a series of simple tests designed to quantify motor skills, hand-eye coordination, concentration, stamina.

  Zed : [notices Edwards has his hand raised]  I see we have a question.

  Jay : Uh yeah. I'm... I'm sorry, maybe you already answered this but... , but -- why, exactly, are we here?

  [Silence. Then one of the young recruits eagerly raises his hand. Zed calls on him] 

  Zed : Son?

  1st Lt. Jake Jensen : [loud and formal]  2nd Lieutenant Jensen. West Point graduate with honours. We're here because you want the best of the best of the best, sir!

  Jay : [Edwards tries to stifle a laugh, but can't] 

  Zed : What's so funny, Edwards?

  Jay : Your boy, Captain America, here. "The best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honours." He's just really excited, and he has no clue why we're here. That's very funny to me. Y'all ain't laughing, though.

  Zed : Okay, let's get going.