The Stupids (1996)
Tom Arnold: Stanley Stupid
Photos
Quotes
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[Stanley's car has exploded right when he swatted a bee on it with his shoe]
Stanley Stupid : Now that's a well-made shoe.
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[Stanley tries to start it using an invisible key]
Stanley Stupid : The car won't start.
Buster Stupid : Maybe the battery is dead.
Joan Stupid : It was perfectly healthy this morning.
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Joan Stupid : Stanley, you must beware of the Drive B.
Stanley Stupid : What's a Drive B?
Joan Stupid : We don't know, but whatever error you make with it could be fatal.
Stanley Stupid : [notices a bee landing on his steering wheel] What are you doing, you darn bee? Can't you see I'm trying to drive? Oh, my God! The drive bee!
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Stanley's Neighbor : Hey Stanley, I haven't seen you much this weekend. What have you been doing?
Stanley Stupid : Oh you know, had breakfast, read the paper, saved the world.
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Talk Show Hostess : Have you ever thought that you came from a strange or unusual family? Well, after you meet our guests, you might want to adjust your standards.
Talk Show Guest #1 : I divorced my wife in order to marry her daughter.
Talk Show Guest #2 : I married a siamese twin and had an affair with her sister.
Talk Show Guest #3 : I've been engaged to three of my cousins.
Stanley Stupid : I'm, well, to tell you the truth, I'm my own Grandpa.
Talk Show Hostess : You're your own Grandpa? Well, for some of us who don't understand this, can you explain?
Stanley Stupid : Well, yes. It's quite simple, really.
[sings]
Stanley Stupid : Many many years ago when I was twenty three/ I was married to a widow who was purdy as can be/ This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red/ My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed/
Stanley Stupid : This made my dad my son in law and changed my very life/ For my daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife/ To complicate the matters even though it brought me joy I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy/
Stanley Stupid : This little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad/ And so became my uncle though it made me very sad/ For if he was my uncle than it also makes him brother/ To the widow's grown-up daughter who of course if my stepmother/
Stanley Stupid : My father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run/ And he became my grandchild 'cause he was my daughter's son/ My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue/ For although she is my wife she is my grandmother too/
Stanley Stupid : If my wife is my grandmother than I am her grandchild/ And every time I think of this it nearly drives me wild/
Talk Show Hostess : has got to be the craziest thing I ever saw
Stanley Stupid : As husband to my grandmother I am my own grandpa!
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Gas Station Attendant : Sir, did you know there's a hole in your gas tank.
Stanley Stupid : That's how you get the gas in there.
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Stanley Stupid : Be on the look out for anything suspicious.
Buster Stupid : Dad, they're putting make-up on men in there.
Stanley Stupid : Bull's eye.
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Joan Stupid : Oh dear I left the garbage out over night.
Stanley Stupid : [looking inside cans] Oh no. Someone's stolen our garbage again.
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Joan Stupid : As your president of Stupidia, I appoint Stanley Stupid head of the army.
[Stanley who just escaped from the base, raced to the car]
Joan Stupid : Your first assignment is to go onto that army base and rescue my husband.
Buster Stupid : And rescue our dad.
Stanley Stupid : I'm afraid those two will have to wait, we've got to get to a place called Warehouse 21.
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[Stanley is under the delusion that he's been partially turned into a bush]
Stanley Stupid : I have arms. I am a bush with arms! And legs! I am the first bush in history with legs! I can walk! Oh, gaze ye unbelievers upon this miracle. This walking bush... half man, half plant... he dwells in two worlds but is the master of both! Oh, man-bush, you are nature's greatest wonder!
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[When noticing a letter with "Return to Sender" on it]
Stanley : Who is this Sender and what is he doing with other people's mail?
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[flashback of Lloyd in the Planetarium after one of the guards spits gum on the floor]
The Lloyd : Remember: throw your gum in the trash after you get done chewing it. I spend a huge amount of my time cleaning up gum.
[flash forward back to Stanley tied to the chair and enraged]
Stanley Stupid : In the name of the Lloyd!
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Stanley Stupid : I'm stuck, I'm caught, I'm trapped! Somebody help me out here!
Petunia Stupid : I'm cornered!
Stanley Stupid : That's it, I'm cornered! That's the word I'm looking for.
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[after attempting to start his car battery by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation; in doing so, Stanley is able to reason logically]
Stanley Stupid : Wait a minute. What am I doing? I've cooked up some insane conspiracy theory and put myself in the middle of an illegal weapons deal with some of the world's most dangerous men. I've risked my life and the lives of my family in a scheme that makes absolutely no sense at all. Insight fading. I must remember not to go forward with this.
Joan Stupid : What is it, Stanley? What are you supposed to remember?
Stanley Stupid : [back to himself] Um... I don't know.
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Stanley Stupid : What in the world?
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Stanley Stupid : Seems pretty senseless, but whatever!
